Devoted poet/avid concert-goer/nerd-grrrl extraordinaire Jane Cassady's weekly horoscopes run in this space every Friday morning.
The Holly Jolly Edition
(Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Emulate Buddy from Elf
: Expect people to be nicer, shinier, jollier than they really are. Be amazing and prolific at cut-paper decorations.
(Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Like Brittany from Glee
, you still believe in Santa Claus. Celebrate elaborate ruses, spurious physics and carrots left out for reindeer. The stars believe, too.
(Feb. 20-March 20): All of your far-away friends are thinking of you, their thoughts jingling through the night air in your direction, keeping the children awake.
(March 21-April 18): Edward Scissorhands
is a very sad Christmas movie. Make a place for your inner misfit, not hidden in the castle making snow, but down among the houses, cutting everyone's hair.
(April 19-May 18): You are the Glee
version of "Baby, It's Cold Outside," groundbreaking and old-timey, all at once.
(May 19-June 21): Decorate all of your cookies in the shape of your New Year's resolutions: the books published, the apologies cut down on, the energy conserved.
(June 22-July 23): In the Muppet version of It's a Wonderful Life
, Kermit and Gonzo sing a duet called "Everyone Matters," and it's true! Think of all the good you've done this year, for everyone. The stars would like to thank you.
(July 24-Aug. 23): Like Fred Claus, you have a heart the size of Chicago, the gift of gab, and the propensity to dance to Elvis while disrupting elf productivity. You're sometimes outshined, but never outloved!
(Aug. 24-Sept. 23): Your Christmas card list is expanding. Sit down and write love letters for hours in front of a Top Chef: Just Desserts
marathon. Make mix tapes for all of your sweethearts. Use every single stamp.
(Sept. 24-Oct. 21): Last night during a holiday dinner, a favorite couple of mine performed "Sisters" from White Christmas
, as voiced by two rosemary dinner rolls. Get it, rosemary? Like Rosemary Clooney? Be as silly and perfect and awesome as that.
(Oct. 22-Nov. 22): In Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas, family togetherness triumphs over poverty, greed, and The Riverbottom Nightmare Band. You've overcome so much this year. I wish you hugs from Muppet otters!
(Nov. 23-Dec. 22): "Charlie Brown is a blockhead, but he did get a pretty nice tree." Put aside all of your complaints. Forget everything but singing.