Devoted poet/avid concert-goer/nerd-grrrl extraordinaire Jane Cassady's weekly horoscopes run in this space every Friday morning.
(Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Sam Teitel says: "I just gotta get back on the horse/ even if I know the horse has rabies/ and hates me personally," but I disagree. Sometimes the best thing to do is to stay dismounted.
(Feb. 20-March 20): On last week's Parks and Recreation
, Leslie Knope pulled off a brilliant speech on behalf of her Harvest Festival, in spite of the fact that she was totally zonked out on flu medication. There's no reason to be quite so heroic, but just know you're capable of it.
(March 21-April 18): Since '90s nostalgia is all the rage, watch or rewatch episodes of The State
. If you're an X-er like me, you'll remember such catchphrases as "Two hundred. And forty dollars. Worth of pudding." and "I love you, toothbrush! Let's run around and do things set to popular music!"
(April 19-May 18): "We're gonna have a good day/and all my homies gonna ride today/and all these mommies look fly today and all we wanna do is get by today/hey, we're gonna have a good day/and ain't nobody gotta cry today/cause ain't nobody gonna die today/save that drama for another day" is a really good run-on sentence by Nappy Roots.
(May 19-June 21): Learn some new Scrabble words, even if it's just by typing made-up combinations of letters into the dictionary. Or just work on memorizing your two letter words. As we saw on The Office
: â"K. A. Ka? What does ka mean?" "It means you're playing someone who is going to destroy you."
(June 22-July 23): "She told me she'd love me like fireworks/ and that's the way I like it, "says Ben Lee. Explode with devotion, leaving streaks across the sky and ashes in the air. You remind me of summer.
(July 24-Aug. 23): My wife's phone does not flip shut. Consequently, she butt-dials me at least twice a day, sometimes interrupting math class with her Katy Perry "I Kissed a Girl" ringtone. I check every message, even if I am pretty sure it's just her pants again.
(Aug. 24-Sept. 23): On the most swoondrogynous Portlandia
sketch yet, the overuse of a safe word drives a wedge into a couple's intimacy. The stars think there's a lesson in there somewhere, and feel compelled to tell you their safe word is "marshmallow."
(Sept. 24-Oct. 21): Still haven't taken down the Christmas lights? That's OK, there's still plenty to celebrate: Olivia Munn has a sitcom that's kind of OK! The Mountain Goats are on tour soon! The word "swoondrogynous" was recently invented! (See: Virgo.)
(Oct. 22-Nov. 22): Like Iron Chef José Garces, you really know your way around a passion fruit, and you know you're more likely to win if you serve the judges mojitos. Congrats on your decisive victory.
(Nov. 23-Dec. 22): A pal of mine just told me that Maya Angelou once told Oprah Winfrey that if "someone tells you who they are, believe them." Strip away the sunny advertisement of their turns of phrase. Pull back the fuchsia sequined backdrop. If you still love them, go ahead.
(Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Don't worry if you press "like" too many times soon enough the technology will be obsolete and you'll be able to pulse your compliments directly into you loved ones' neurotransmitters. Maybe you're just ahead of your time.