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Critical Mass welcomes devoted poet/avid concert-goer/nerd-grrrl extraordinaire Jane Cassady to the fold; her weekly horoscopes will run in this space every Friday morning.
The Last Day of Summer Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): I'm writing this from a bench in the Wissahickon. In front of me, a family is applauding. Behind me, a child is playing "Yellow Submarine" on the violin. Congratulate yourself on a summer well spent. Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): (SPOILER ALERT!) Don Draper: "Somebody very important to me died." Peggy: "Who?" Don: "The only person in the world who really knew me." Peggy: "That's not true." Don's at his best when he's with his gal pals, and so are you. Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): Learn to identify birdsongs so that you can think of them as portents. The purple finch means, "All is well." The oriole means, "Are you KIDDING me with how beautiful this is?" The blue jay means, "You're waking up at home." Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): Once you start birdwatching, you'll realize how little detail you were seeing before. You'll realize that what you thought were sparrows were actually chickadees, house finches, winter goldfinches, juncos and sparrows. Start seeing the whole spectrum of birds. Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): A Capricorn pal asked me to write cooler predictions for her, but think of it as a Rorschach test — I could press a butterfly into the ink between the folded pages, but you could see absolutely anything. Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): This month's Glamour features an article called "How to Get Over the Guy You Can't Get Over." It is illustrated by a picture of a girl with a Polaroid in her polka dot undies. The advice goes from "Go Ahead and Wallow," to "Move the Eff on Already." To avoid whatever you need to get over, you won't have to miss many parties. Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): Big lug Lane on Big Brother had this to say when housemate Britney won $10,000: "Damn it, she does not need 10 Gs. She's gonna use that for lipstick and leggings." Help yourself to as many alliterative luxuries as you can this week. Aries (March 21-April 18): In Carolyn Parkhurst's novel The Nobodies Album, the protagonist is a novelist in the process of rewriting the endings of all her books to try and fix her life. You don't need rewritings, though, just sequels. Taurus (April 19-May 18): Make a list of your summer accomplishments. Include tomatoes grown, currents fought, TV series watched in one sitting. Light the list on fire for one more set of S'mores. Gemini (May 19-June 21): Go ahead and pray for the things you want. Your deity of choice will certainly accept your crumpled list. Don't ask me how I know this. Cancer (June 22-July 23): Anne Lamott said, "Write like your parents are dead." But that is too grisly for me. How about, "Write like your in-laws aren't on your Facebook." (Confidential to Lawsons: LOVE YOU!) Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): I have been meaning to learn the names of butterflies, but I've been putting it off. So I Googled "Butterfly identification" and saved some directories to the desktop. 1. I feel a little richer that way. 2. I think I saw a Mourning Cloak. PREVIOUSLY >> POETIC LICENSE: Horoscopes, Sept. 3-9
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