POSTED: Friday, January 28, 2011, 6:00 PM
Filed Under: TV Shore Trash
 |
| mtv.com |
| Sound the trumpet if he's talkin' to a muppet! |
Each Friday, Diana Palmieri breaks down the shenanigans happening on the newest season of Jersey Shore.
Since the beginning of time, man has made momentous discoveries that have shaped the foundation of society. First, there came the knowledge that extreme heat and friction could result in fire, then the invention of the wheel was followed that whole electricity thing that started to catch on. However, today there is a device that may very well surpass all that has come before it. Now, there is the Grenade Whistle.
If you were unsure about how to inform your friend that he wasn't chasing after a pretty girl at the club, but instead mingling with the likes of a "grenade," Pauly has introduced a way to warn your wingman. Do you covertly pull him aside and let him know that someone he thought looked like Scarlett Johansson actually resembled Courtney Love? Send him a quick text? Morse code? Carrier pigeon? No, you blow the Grenade Whistle, an obnoxiously large red horn that was won on the boardwalk. Then, as Pauly smoothly demonstrated, you must also shout "Grenade Whistle!" after said whistle is blown. You know, just to make sure you get the point across.
 |
| mtv.com |
|
My horror (well, mostly delight) over the debut of the Grenade Whistle was short-lived. Other lighter moments, like Snooki and Vinny's purchase of a stripper pole for the house (which I'm really surprised took until season three to be bought), failed to take center stage in the last episode. To my chagrin, the majority of the excitement featured Ronnie and Sammi, arguably the poster couple for relationship dysfunction at its finest. When I saw another fight between them ensue, I debated flipping the channel. But I'm so glad I resisted the urge. Otherwise, I would have missed one of the most epic fights in Jersey Shore history.
It all started — as most conflicts do — at the club. Drinks were flowing and fists were pumping as the night started out drama-free. Then, Ronnie made the mistake of talking to a girl he knew. A girl with a boyfriend. A girl that just had a baby. Sammi, outraged at Ronnie's audacity to engage in conversation with another woman, drunkenly let him know. I felt sorry for Ronnie as he argued his case, because this was a rare moment in which he actually wasn't indulging in his normal douche-like behavior. He explained to Sammi that the girl just had a baby, and that she could even show Sammi her c-section scar to prove it. Who could argue with that?
More trash after the jump ...
When the roommates returned to the house, the two got into it again in their bedroom, ranting and raving about everything pertaining to nothing. When Sammi left the room to get some drunk munchies, Ronnie used the opportunity to take all of Sammi's belongings out of her closet and toss them on the floor. When she returned, he told her that she should pack and leave. Unbeknownst to Ronnie, Sammi had left to bring Ronnie back a peace offering that wasn't to his liking, and only outraged him more. "Not even a protein shake," he argued. "She brings me pizza."
Mike, who has been laying frustratingly low so far in the season, enters the room that he unfortunately was forced to share with Ronnie and Sammi. He surveys the situation and tells Sam, "He just kicked you out of your room," and walks away. Sammi, just having put the pieces fully together, is outraged again. The two yell, Ronnie breaks out into laughter, the two break-up (again), and Ronnie cries. He cries all the way downstairs.
 |
| mtv.com |
|
All that follows next is a blur: Sammi calls her mother to pick her up from the shore house and then retreats to cry in her bed. When all had appeared to die down, an undeterred Mike asks Sammi for a condom. She says he should ask Ronnie. Mike, either stupidly or brilliantly, tells Sammi that Ronnie is busy talking to JWOWW. A fire is sparked in Sammi, as she looks over the balcony to see her former (eh, debatable) boyfriend swapping words with her nemesis. So she rationally reacted like any woman would: she punched him in the face. More surprising than Sammi's instant channeling of Sugar Ray Leonard was what occurred afterward. All of the roommates, besides Ronnie and JWOWW, were consoling Sammi, letting her know that they did not want her to leave the house. What the hell?
Why wouldn't they want her to leave and let the door hit her ass on the way out? I couldn't figure out why these people — who had voiced their disgust for this boyfriend-dependant drama queen — would sway her into staying. In her defense, Snooki was most likely inebriated and thought some type of game was being played, but everyone else appeared fairly coherent. Vinny, having a brief Dr. Phil moment, assured Sammi, "You need sucky things in life to make you stronger." If that's true, everyone in the house would need to be pretty tough to withstand the Telenovela that is Sammi and Ronnie's relationship.
Just as I could picture Sammi leaving Seaside for good, resulting in the heavens opening with a plethora of gumdrops falling from the sky, something horrible happened. Ronnie and Sammi made up. Of course. Isn't that how the story usually goes? Boy loves girl, girl loves boy, boy emotionally abuses girl, girl punches boy in the face, and the world fails to tilt off its axis.
When Sammi sobered up and called her mother to let her know that she would be staying and, oh, also punched Ronnie, Sammi's mother consoled her daughter, telling her to move forward. After all, she argued, that was the lowest things could possibly get. Well, I'm pretty sure that's not true. I don't know if I should loathe Sammi and Ronnie or myself, since I know I'll be tuning in to watch the car crash again next week.
