POSTED: Friday, February 11, 2011, 6:00 PM
Filed Under: TV Shore Trash
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Humanity has proven itself able to withstand adversity in even the most unlikely of times. We made it through the Bubonic Plague, survived the Y2K scare and I'm sure we'll figure out the whole global warming thing any day now. But what's the one thing encompassing the power to doom us all, with no hope in sight?: witnessing one more second of Ronnie and Sammi's hot mess of a relationship.
"Just break the fuck up," Mike advised the gruesome twosome, taking the through right out of my head, and I'm sure any other person watching the show with a propensity for having a pulse.
Seriously, I just don't get it. Watching these two is like watching someone place their hand on a stovetop burner and then doing it again, and again, and again. When the previous episode ended, I thought they were finished. The start of last night's train wreck had them kind of together and I braced myself for the chaos that was about to ensue as they argued and broke up ... again.
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The first "Really?" moment occurred when Deena advised Sammi to cheer up, which obviously meant they were going to day drink on the boardwalk. Pauly, seemingly a volunteer for a Big Brother program, tells Ronnie he needs to get his mind off the fight, and takes him on roller coasters and rides. Sammi slurs as she sees them together from her perch on a barstool, apparently mistaking Pauly for a masculine-looking female with a blowout. A second later, she bitched to Deena that Ronnie was with a girl, and decided to talk to guys at the bar. Yeah, Sammi, that'll show him.
After Ronnie belittles Sammi and reams her out, he is like a shark smelling blood in the water, waiting to attack his next prey. When he overhears Mike and Sammi discussing the merry-go-round from hell that is Sammi and Ronnie's relationship, it naturally pisses him off. He confronts a more perplexed than usual looking Mike, spouts some poetic about disobeying guy code and brings up conversations about Miami. Mike, who has either matured lately or was just thrown off of his high horse, swallows his pride and actually apologizes to Ronnie just to shut him up. They man hug, and all is right with the world. I guess fighting is contagious.
Round two starts as the girls decide to go out and the boys want to hit the club to encourage Ronnie to rear his sloppy face again. As they were getting ready, Sammi pathetically asks Ronnie what he will do if a girl comes up to him at the club. Ding, ding, ding. Ronnie, a protein drinking bat out of hell, grows furious and tells her he wants her to leave. He starts throwing her things out of the closet and even tries to move her bed out of the room while she's on it. The boys, hearing the commotion, go upstairs to save the day. Pauly, who has to stop his task at hand, is not a happy camper. "They're talking about relationships? My sneakers are dirty!" Sammi tells Ronnie he's not worth the tears she's crying as Niagara Falls continues to stream down her face.. As the boys, looking like children caught between a divorce, try to separate the two, Ronnie and Sammi are yelling, but you'd be hard pressed to actually know what they're saying because there's so much bleeping.
The boys leave and Snooki encourages a distraught Sammi to get ready so they can have a girl's night. "We should put you in something hot," she advises. When the girls leave, I thought, great, they'll both slut it up respectively and get over each other. That probably would have happened if they all didn't go to the same club.
Once they go out, Sammi announces she's single and wants to dance with a hot guy. Ronnie, of course, sees Sammi dancing with a guy, grows even more pissed off, goes home and trashes her things. He throws her mattress on the porch, reasoning, "You want to be a dog? Sleep outside like a dog." Mike surveying the damage, announces, "Now that's a breakup right there."
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When Sammi returns home devastated by the mess, she drunkenly brings her busted glasses to Ronnie and asks him why he did that. Ronnie, of course, has awesome reasoning. He explains that Sammi disrespected him by dancing with another guy in front of her face, but when he was in Miami grinding with girls and three-way kissing grenades, he at least respected her enough to go behind her back. Bull. Shit.
Sammi cries, Ronnie locks himself in the bathroom and cries before deciding to leave. As Sammi covertly packs and tells the roommates she's leaving. And Vinny breaks the news to Ronnie by telling him, "It has something to do with packing and rhymes with 'weaving.'" Ronnie grows a conscience and tries to talk with Sammi, but she has grown some dignity and refuses to sit and hash it out with him. They cry again and she tells him she has to go.
Before she leaves, Ronnie sincerely says the most ridiculously loaded thing he's ever said on the show: "What did I do?" I commend Sammi for not whipping out the laundry list I'm sure she's got in her back pocket. But I'll do it for her: He has called her every derogatory word a female could be called, constantly verbally abused her, lied to her, and cheated on her (with grenades, mind you). Oh, and ruined all her shit. No big deal.
Yeah, Sammi, what did Ronnie do? Maybe she thought about it on the cab ride home.
HIGH: Mike, having found the moral compass he always seems to misplace, comments on Ronnie's channeling of The Hulk and messing with Sammi's belongings: "Ronnie is pissed at me about guy code. What happened to general human code?"
LOW (Besides every aspect of the episode that revolved around Ronnie and Sammi): JWOWW seduces Roger with her slutty garb while Deena and Snooki are in the room. As the two climb the stairs to go to the Smoosh Room, Snooki asks, "Can I watch?" And gets shut down. Poor Snooks.
