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| Zoe Saldana: The fave of the evening. |
Well, well, well boys and girls, last night was what sadly may be the most anticipated event of my year ... The Academy Awards (I kid, I kid ... or do I?). I was actually quite pleased with this year's ceremony: Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin had fantastic rapport, the writing was generally humorous (so much so that I actually enjoyed jokes coming out of Robin Williams' mouth) and even though I was all hot and bothered about the 10 best picture nominees, all was well in the end because The Hurt Locker beat the shit out of Ferngully for Adults.
I'll admit I was at first a little disappointed by the gowns, but today, having dedicated far too much time looking at this slideshow, I realized that there were quite a few fabulous numbers strutting down that red carpet, and they deserve to be praised.
Yes
—Kathryn Bigelow — She looked great, and even better, she pulled off the best. revenge. on. an. ex. ever.
—Gabourey Sidibe — What a wonderful night she must've had, and she really looked beautiful, charming, adorable and lots of other heart-warming adjectives. Also, one of my favorite things about last night was listening to everybody try to pronounce her name.
— Zoe Saldana —One word: WOWZA. Some other words: Givenchy couture, bulbous ruffles descending into all sorts of purples, light pink crystal bustier. All very good words.
—Zoe Kravitz — Why was she here? What does Zoe Kravitz actually do besides have really attractive parents? Is that a career? Rumer Willis seems to have done something with it. As much as I question Z. Krav's purpose and worth, I can't deny that girl's style. I love velvet and big bows and chiffon skirts, and all three of those things are hard to pull off, but gdamnit, she done did it.
—Mo'nique — It was a tribute to Hattie McDaniel! She had gardenias in her hair! She has an apostrophe in her name! You know, Mo' never shaves her legs, like, as a rule. It was the mofo-ing Oscars and her legs were as hairy as Robin Williams' knuckles. LOVE her!
—Amanda Seyfried — She's starting to get on my nerves for some reason, but she's pretty and more-than-marginally talented so I better get used to having her around. I enjoyed her dress last night, though I must add that a giant sparkly ball gown is a safe choice and I tend to prefer that my ingenues be risk-takers (see: Zoe Saldana). The dress looks spectacular from the side, and I appreciate that she toned down her hair to let the gown speak for itself, because it had a lot to say.
—Meryl Streep — The most beautiful and wonderful and talented woman on that red carpet. And she always dresses her age, which I really admire. It was nothing special, but she looked radiant.
—Sandra Bullock — I haven't seen The Blind Side, and I am very suspicious of the hype, but Ms. Bullock has pulled out all the stops this awards season (sartorially, that is). Especially loved the lipstick with this outfit. The train was delightfully glamorous, and the flowery brocade business up top was really quite incredible. Plus, I think it gets shinier towards the bottom. I looove shiny.
—Helen MIrren — Remember what I said about Meryl? Just copy and paste that here, but add something nice about her big rack.
—Kate Winslet — What can I say? It was shiny and it fit like a dream. Her hair was the most flattering shade of blonde and it was styled just right: simple and elegant. Also, did anyone else notice that they played the Titanic theme song when she came on stage to announce Best Actor? That was exciting.
Meh
—Vera Farmiga — I couldn't decide if I liked this or only felt so-so about it. I definitely love the color, but I think it could do with fewer ruffles. I think it wanted me to think it was amAZing, but I don't do what dresses tell me to do. Jean shorts, maybe. Dresses no.
—Diane Kruger — This dress was a major letdown as far as I'm concerned. I've been looking forward to The Krug's Oscar outfit since before the Globes, and this was just blah blah blah. A nice gown, I suppose, but not Oscar-worthy by any means. It was frumpy. Hmm, I hope that's not because she's depressed ... or because she's having relationship problems. Oh god.
—Penelope Cruz — Wow, a red dress that hugged your curves. Really out there ,Penny. I expect more from you. I will give you the benefit of the doubt, and believe that the reason for this mediocrity is because you are simply too preoccupied having passionate, crazy, Spanish, Almodovar-style--which-means-l
—Carey Mulligan — I don't feel strongly about this dress either way, which in itself is sort of a problem. At least this one is several steps above both her Globe and SAG choices, in both fit and style. I dug the bejewledness of it all, and the unusual cut of the skirt, but I feel like there has been something missing from each of Carey's outfits this awards season and last night was no exception. The most obvious problem was her hair color, but I was also bothered by the general lack of color in the ensemble.
—Demi Moore — She looked really tan, so that's good, I guess. But I don't know why she was there. Honestly there should've been far fewer ruffles on this number. Plus, homegirl really needs to eat something.
—Cameron Diaz — Yeah yeah, she looked fine. But she sucks majorly.
Noooo
—Tina Fey — I wish I didn't have to put Tina on this list. But this thing made you look awfully hippie and it really looked like it could be purchased at David's Bridal. One of the things I do love about T.F. is that nerdy writer inside who still doesn't quite fit in at these grand masturbatory Hollywood affairs.
—Sarah Jessica Parker — Doesn't Perez Hilton call her SJPeePee? Because her dress was definitely the color of urine. She better play her cards right, because I'm almost to the point where I can no longer enjoy watching Sex and the City reruns on TBS at midnight. God forbid my distaste for Sarah Jess should grow so strong that I am forced to throw away my copy of Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. Please don't make me do it. Please.
—George Clooney's Italian Date — This new nameless, faceless flame of my soulm8 surely can't last long. I mean, she accessorized a red satin dress with a red satin shawl and a red satin clutch. Once again, please.
—Rachel McAdams — The cut was very flattering, but that's about it. I suppose in theory I liked the watercolor print, but would like to know the reason why the colors all seemed to be inspired by different consistencies of sewage.
—Miley Cyrus — She looked nice and all but she seems to be allergic to standing up straight. My friend Mike said she looked like she was pooping. I love Mike.
—Mariah Carey — Will never make it on a best dressed list. Ever.
—Charlize Theron — Rosettes? On your boobies? For reals?
—Kristen Stewart — Just sucks. And apparently, she can't stand still and read from a teleprompter at the same time. Or stand up straight for that matter. And judging by how awful her hygiene seems, she actually might have been pooping. (That's right, that another poop joke. Deal with it.).
What say you? Who did we miss? Who did you love? Who, more importantly, did you hate? Weigh in on the stars' gowns in the comments.
Vera Farmiga is so hot but that dress looks like Lady Gaga's pajamas, the fuck! SJP's dress looks like it used to be wrapped around a slender bottle of some obscure Italian liqueur that your grandparents kept in their liquor cabinet but never drank. Also I'm not sure what's wrong with Clooney's face but he kinda looks like Eurasian k.d. lang now in certain lights.
Oh and that picture you link of Kathryn Bigelow doublefisting Oscars is scary as shit! She's about to pound out some hammercurls and then challenge Jeremy Renner to a drunken stomach punching contest
i disages with mike miley look so fucken pretty so get fuck miley haters
Kristen stewart nearly smiled shame about that dress she's to short to look good in it.
Excuse me but Zoe Kravitz has built and substantial body of acting work showing that she has not only inherited her parents beauty but also their TALENT!
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