The Hours: 24 Season 7 - How a Bill Becomes a Corpse

8-9 p.m. If people stayed out of Jack's way, this whole series would never have happened. Featuring: The saddest silent clock since Edgar. Hell, maybe even Teri.

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The Hours: 24 Season 7 - How a Bill Becomes a Corpse

POSTED: Thursday, March 12, 2009, 6:16 PM

Filed Under: TV 24

8-9 p.m.
If people stayed out of Jack's way, this whole series would never have happened.

Featuring: The saddest silent clock since Edgar. Hell, maybe even Teri.

Our sketchy vice president is busy getting the news about the White House siege from a fake CNN-like channel. Really? Shouldn't he know this stuff before Fake CNN? Our otherwise useless VP is there to remind us that he won't authorize a rescue mission until he knows exactly what is going on inside the White House. Which is kind of what a rescue mission might determine.

Inside, daughter Olivia and Mme. Pillowface weep and hug and let bygones be bygones, which means Olivia is going to do something truly horrific in the very near future.

Jack has joined the group of hostages sitting outside of the non-locked-down Presidential Panic Suite. Jack whispers to Bill that in the three seconds it took him to open the door, he also managed to come up with a plan, set it up, and brief the president. He released some kind of gas in the Presidential Panic Suite, and he exposits to Bill that just one bullet fired in the vicinity would cause a mega explosion. Jack explains his plan, aka his 4,000th attempt to die for his country. He will run to the room, draw the Juma Gang's fire, and then, well, explode. Bill looks troubled.

In an awesome moment straight out of Junior High, Senator Mayer Wiener leans over to the two cool boys and is all, 'hey guys, what are you doing? Tell me your plans and then maybe we can hang out or something.' Jack tells him to shut up and gives him a wedgie.

Across the room, Juma tells Pillowface she will be reading a statement detailing the 'crimes' she committed against Sangala. The Juma Gang has a camera and they are all ready to post her statement on YouTube. Still thinking she is in charge, Mme. Pillowface says she will read the statement if Juma releases a hostage. Important lesson on word choice: she probably should have said, 'I will read the statement if you release a hostage, meaning the hostage gets to leave and stay alive until he or she dies a natural death, not 'release' in the sense of you releasing someone from life via a well-placed bullet.' Juma happily agrees to take advantage of her vague language and selects a Red Shirt to stand up and get 'released.' Mme. Pillowface, who increasingly seems to have never watched this show before, actually looks like she's won a victory, until Juma shoots Red Shirt in the head. Juma asks if she wants him to 'release' any more hostages ' apparently along with a love of violence and oppression, General Juma also loves him some wordplay.

The Candyman cannot.

Mme Pillowface starts her Sangala podcast, and everyone outside scrambles to shut off the connection but apparently cannot. Hey, is Chloe still locked in a room at the FBI? She could probably help.

Larry Moss calls the Vice President to tell him that it's getting more and more obvious that Juma plans to kill the president, and they need to go rescue her asap. Our VP, though, wants to be 'prudent' and 'open dialogue' with the terrorists. This response gains him a lot of eye-rolling from Larry, Renee, and the good folks at Fox. 'Effin Liberals.

Back inside, Bill and Jack whisper about how Juma still has a mole somewhere. Bill says that Jack is the only one who can get out there and find the rest of the bad guys. And then, before Jack or any of us even have time to yell 'DON'T DO IT,' Bill steals Jack's martyr thunder. Usurping Jack's suicide mission, Bill runs to the Presidential Panic Suite, grabs and fires a gun, and blows himself to holy hell.

Chaos ensues and everyone starts running and shooting, but it's hard to see exactly what is going on through all of the tears, er, smoke. Since he's the only redeemable character left, Aaron Pierce ignores his own bullet wound and runs to protect Mme Pillowface and Olivia. Senator Mayer Wiener stands still and screams (he would say 'like a girl,' sexist liberal that he is) and Jack employs his much-maligned 'violence' technique to save the senator's ass. Jack then faces down Juma, who pretends to surrender and then tries to shoot Jack. Really, Juma, that's never a good idea. Jack enjoys a little more violence and ends the whole Sangala conflict. Larry and Renee's troops come rushing in after Jack and Aaron have already taken care of everything. Larry gets all bossy and goes to secure the president. Jack sits down and cries over Bill's body. But he's not really dead, right? Until we see a closeup of a totally dead, charbroiled body there's no way he's ' oh. He appears to be dead dead, not Almeida dead. But there's still one more test of 24 deadness ' yup, there it is. The Silent Clock. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Who's going to tell Karen Hayes? Who's going to tell Chloe?

And now, an obituary for Bill Buchanan:
Buchanan, Bill, of Washington, D.C. formerly of Los Angeles and Seattle, died on Day 7 at 9 p.m. of highly unnatural causes. He is survived by his wife, Karen Hayes. Bill received a BA in English from Brown University (according to the 24 Wiki, which clearly has too much time on its hands). This degree surely served him well when he became a homeland security officer in Seattle. He later moved to Los Angeles to head up the LA office of CTU, where a vacancy existed due to Jack Bauer putting a bullet in the former head's head. Bill really came into his own in this position, moving from a typical obnoxious micromanager (and potential love ruiner for Tony and Michelle) into the one boss who actually understood Jack. He held this position until he was fired by Karen Hayes (yes, the same Karen Hayes). Bill's real accomplishment, though, was doing something few others have done in the 24-verse: He managed to be cool/rogue and he did not torture people. Ok, he authorized Jack to torture people, but he didn't do it himself. He was the only boss who did not spend the majority of his screen time ruining everything and/or being a weasel. In lieu of flowers, the family asks that you send donations to the Will Someone Finally Start Doing Background Checks on High-Ranking Government Officials Fund.

Back to the show:

Mme Pillowface is insisting on staying in the White House, and she would like an update on Skelehubby (still in surgery). We are told, thankfully, that Aaron will survive. Olivia cries about how scared she was and Mme Pillowface tells her it's over and that they are safe. Now it's definite that she never watched this show before. Mother and daughter decide to put their past behind them and there is more hugging. Olivia glances a bit too long at semi-shirtless Aaron as he walks over to get treated. Ew.

Renee approaches still-mourning Jack and tells him the president is safe. Jack expresses his grief over Bill taking the suicide mission away from him. Three seconds later, Jack has done enough emoting, so he gets up and tells Moss that there is another mole in the government. He politely asks to 'talk' to Ryan Burnett again. He even promises not to touch him. Larry is a tool so he takes Jack into custody again. Larry and Renee snipe about her totally obvious crush on Jack. Renee gets a rogue look in her eye, and goes to find Chief Maybebad to go over Larry's head.

Jon Voight is watching Fake CNN, too. His lackey tells him Pillowface is alive and Juma is dead. Jon Voight offers a piece of poetic praise to the president: 'You gotta admire the damn bitch, she doesn't give up easily.' Jon Voight tells his lackey to have a drink and relax, and he says that everything is still on track. He mentions the shipment again, but clarifies that it is weapons, not LL Bean fleeces as previously reported in this column. Our bad. Jon Voight settles in to nail down some targets for said weapons.

Larry is having Jack escorted back to the FBI when Chief Maybebad calls to tell him Renee went over his head. He authorizes Jack to 'talk' to Burnett. Chief Maybebad points out that just having Jack in the room is enough to scare someone, which is fair. We find out that Chief Maybebad made this decision alone and is leaving Pillowface out of the loop.

Teri Bauer knew a little something about having a bad day.

Speaking of Pillowface, she is working with some dude named Patrick and they are both crying a little over their bad day (somewhere, Teri Bauer is saying, 'oh, please'). Chief MaybeBad comes in and has a lingering hug with Pillowface. It verges on awkward. Pillowface announces that she wants to bring Olivia on as a 'special advisor.' Chief Maybebad tells us why everyone hates Olivia: apparently she leaked damaging personal information about Pillowface's opponent and almost cost Pillowface the election. Really, that's it? Chief Maybebad wants nothing to do with the bad seed, but Pillowface insists and is kind of mean about it. Chief Maybebad lies to Pillowface about the whole Jack/Burnett 'conversation' about to take place.

Larry is mega-pissed at Renee for going over his head and Renee offers the standard argument that Jack does terrible things but he always wins. She mentions that if everyone had just stayed out of Jack's way none of this would have happened. If people stayed out of Jack's way, this whole series would never have happened. Larry suspends Renee and says he can't trust her.

We are treated to an overly long and majestic shot of the helicopter carrying Larry and Jack to Burnett. Larry snits to Jack about Renee and says he has known her for nine years but she has never done anything like the crap she's pulled in the past nine hours. Jack is quite the influence.

Pillowface PSA's us about climate change. She tells us the planet is running out of time, among several other terrible 24-related puns.

Jon Voight is in his lair being briefed on target options and civilian casualties. He is also told that Jack is being sent to 'talk' to Burnett, but no one has to worry because somebody named Quinn is going to go take care of both of them. Jon Voight points out that Quinn is good, but Jack is good, too.

At the hospital, the doctor has to revive Burnett because he's in a torture coma or something. The doctor briefly tries out some anti-torture comments but Jack shoots him down with the catch-all 'he's a terrorist.' The doctor's like, 'ok.'

Quinn is dressed up as a doctor (hospitals, like our government, never check ID badges). We've seen him before, in the 24 Redemption Movie Extravaganza. Quinn goes into a room and visits two old, sick men. He asks about their families and then smothers the man who doesn't have any grandkids. Jewish mothers everywhere start calling their kids to say, 'you see what HAPPENS when you don't give us grandchildren?' Old dead man was a distraction for the nurses so that Quinn can do fancy computer stuff that tells him where to find Burnett. Quinn slips into an air duct.

Olivia visits a recovering Aaron to thank him for taking a bullet for her. She tells us/him that he retired and she asks him about Martha Logan. Apparently they broke up after the whole stabbing incident, but Olivia seems to imply that something else 'happened' to her. Aaron gets defensive for a minute but does not explain what happened. Please let this be a prelude to more Jean Smart, please, please, please. And, if it's not too much to ask, can we get Delta Burke, Dixie Carter, Annie Potts, and Meshach Taylor?

Next Week on 24?

Chief Maybebad begrudingly asks Olivia to be special advisor. Olivia responds by turning nasty and calling him incompetent. She says she is going to find out who 'failed' her mother and make sure that person is never in a position to do it again. Let the games begin, little Sherry Palmer.

At hospital, Jack is ready to move in to see Burnett and Larry's all, 'I'm watching you.' He even puts his hand menacingly on Jack's chest, so Jack looks at him in way that most likely made him pee himself a little. In truth, he is watching Jack, through a video feed.

Jack wakes up Burnett with a sweet, 'remember me?' Burnett immediately starts screaming. Quinn is in the ceiling over the room. He must have watched Speed recently, because he has the idea to loop an innocent-looking image of Jack standing next to Burnett's bed so that those outside of the room can't see what's really going on. Hopefully Jack didn't fix his skirt or anything obvious to give it away. Quinn then drops a gas canister in. It's our favorite fake paralytic that makes you stiff and makes you drool but somehow never lasts long and never inhibits your ability to breathe. Jack drools. Quinn slits Burnett's throat and stabs him in the chest. On this show, you can't be too careful. Jack becomes undrooly and follows Quinn out into the air duct.

The live feed comes back on, Burnett is dead and Jack is gone. Of course, all of the Larrys of the world immediately assume Jack went superrogue and stabbed Burnett. Jack doesn't help his situation by knocking out a security guard on his way out. Quinn calls Jon Voight to say Burnett is dead. Voight says, 'now we're having some fun.' Hilarious delivery, Mr. Voight. Well done.

Jack calls Larry and blatantly tells him this is a frame-up, but Larry doesn't seem to buy it. Jack, once again, is alone and on the run. It must be Monday.

Death Watch:

Various Juma Gang members and agents in the firefight (no numbers yet)
The last shred of Senator Mayer's dignity
General Juma
Burnett
And of course, a silent clock for Bill Buchanan.

Next Week: The bad guys threaten Morris -- hopefully they won't tickle him or he'll probably build them a nuke. Jack threatens Senator Mayer Wiener.

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