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The Hours: One 12th of 24 Season 7
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The Hours: One 12th of 24 Season 7
6 p.m.-7 p.m.
I'm Taking You Hostage: It's my go-to move.
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Featuring: Torturous talk about torture and tons of TASERing.
We open at the hospital, where Dubaku! is recovering from his car crash and his emergency flashdrive-ectomy. Alas, a rogue orderly has smuggled in a syringe of death for our adorable sadistic mercenary. Rogue Orderly calls Dubaku!'s boss, General Juma, who automatically seems horribly creepy because he is played by Tony Todd, aka The Candyman, aka the creepy mortuary employee who always has to tell screaming white teenagers that 'death has a design' in the Final Destination movies. Over at the White House, Mme. Pillowface is informed that Juma fled Sangala ' but where could he be? Um, look out your window, Pillowface. Juma is scoping out a scenic photo op near the White House, and has Dubaku! Jr. with him. Juma chooses not to share with Jr. that his dad is dead. Back at the hospital, our love affair with exclamation points comes to an end at 6:06pm. So, one final time: DUBAKU!
At the FBI, Larry Moss is pretending to be in charge, trying to get everyone ready to arrest the half of the government who committed treason. What could possibly go wrong? Jack tells us what will go wrong as he calls Chloe to tell her about the latest impending disaster. He also has a request for our grumpy friend: He wants Chloe to delete Sentator Mayer's Chief of Staff from the 'bad guy' list. Why, you may ask? Well, to keep him all safe so Jack can torture him personally, of course. Let the debates begin'
After Chloe deletes the name, we finally get our first official Chloe/Janis interaction. It is every bit as passive aggressive and bitchy as we could have hoped. There's a lot of 'yeah, great idea, I'll get right on that,' and 'thanks.' It's like a lesson in subtext. This round goes to Chloe, who can out-snark anyone.
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| Round One goes to Chloe. |
Jack and Tony are in a parked car by the White House (consider that your opening line, 24 slash fiction fans). Jack is giving his 7,000th 'I have to do this alone' speech. This one contains some lovely metaphors like, 'I'm driving off a cliff here, Tony, and I don't need to put Bill in the passenger's seat.' Very Thelma and Louise. Jack then goes off toward the White House to go it alone.
Senator Mayor and Chief Maybebad are in said White House, sharing a drink and some non-pleasantries. Mayer is appalled that the President let Bauer save the world again. Torture is necessary, torture is wrong, blah blah blah. Mayer goes so far as to call Jack a 'thug.' Chief Maybebad offers Mayer Pillowface's bribe of choice ' backing some 'human rights' bill in exchange for Mayer forgetting about Jack. Pillowface has also threatened to go over Mayer's head and pardon Jack. Mayer basically challenges her to a 'street fight,' (his words), which is a funny mental image.
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| Bill gets Behrooz'd. |
Bill is hanging at the White House, 'securing' things. Jack busts into his office (when did Bill get on the payroll again?) and takes Bill hostage for NO reason. Did someone teach Jack that this is how humans say hello to one another? Bill forgets he was king of the rebels three seconds ago and tries to get Jack to go the 'legal' route to get Burnett. Bill tells Jack he doesn't have to go it alone, so apparently Bill has never actually met Jack. 'Yes I do,' Jack growls, and Spocks Bill into unconsciousness, but not before whispering creepily, 'it's all right, don't fight it.' It's sort of human nature to fight strangulation, Jack. Our loner rebel then steals a TASER and looks like a kid on Christmas.
Not to be outdone in the 'going it alone' category, Renee calls Larry from the hospital to reiterate that Dubaku is dead (he took the exclamation point with him to the great beyond). This somehow turns into a spat about whether Renee or Jack wears the pants in their non-relationship. Larry wants Renee back in the office, but she wants to prove her hunch that Dubaku was murdered. She cleverly singles out the Rogue Orderly and even gets his license plate number.
Chloe vs. Janis, Round 2: Janis caught Chloe's deleted entry on the list, but doesn't know Chloe is the perpetrator. More glaring, staring, and fake smiling ensues. This round goes very narrowly to Janis, as Chloe genuinely looked scared for a moment. Never let them see you sweat, Chloe!
At the White House, Senator Mayer and his evil lackey, Burnett, chat about Mayer's impending street fight with the president over Jack's pardon. Mayer calls Mme Pillowface 'a woman in a highly emotional state' as his explanation for her decisions. Nicely played, Fox ' make the anti-torture guy a misogynist to disorient the liberals. You have won this time. Mayer continues to muse about whether or not it's the president's special lady time.
Out in the hallway, Jack nonchalantly wanders around in the White House (is this a minimum security wing or something?) and TASERs Burnett while gleefully informing him they are going to 'have a little talk.'
Chloe vs. Janis, Round 3: Janis has been spying on Chloe, although she (seriously) refers to her as 'that whiz bang systems analyst.' Janis runs to Larry to complain about Chloe's 'demeanor' (can't imagine that's the only complaint like that in her employee file), but also to tattle about Chloe and Jack and the erased name from the list. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Janis whupped Chloe this time. It only makes Chloe's inevitable revenge that much sweeter to anticipate, though. Larry has Chloe detained and she and Janis share a long, hate-filled look.
Mayer and the President engage in this episode's umpteenth 'Torture: Black and White or Gray All Over?' discussion. Mayer makes lots of excellent points against torture, but in the 24-verse he just comes across as a weaselly weasel. Just as Mme. Pillowface finishes defending Jack to Mayer, Larry Moss calls in to say that Jack is currently torturing Burnett in the White House. This does weaken the President's case a bit.
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| Jack tortures Burnett. In the White House, no less. |
Speaking of Jack, he is still TASERing away at Burnett, who is doing a nice job of playing innocent. He even tries the 'tell me what you want me to say,' tactic, trying to sneak in another strong anti-torture argument (that it leads to false information). Jack giggles at this and TASERS Burnett again, who immediately disproves his own excellent argument by agreeing to give Jack accurate information. Unfortunately, right before Burnett shares where this attack will take place, Mme. Pillowface pages Jack to yell at him for dirtying the White House upholstery with torture and rogueness. Jack TASERs the phone. Yes, he TASERs the phone. The Secret Service blow the door to the office and arrest Jack. Mid-arrest, Jack and Mayer have another torture/no torture minidebate.
Jack tells the president that Tony Almeida was his source, and Mayer snarks about preferring the 'blessed virgin mary' (So, just to be clear, Fox, if we are against torture, then we are THIS guy?). Mayer asks Mme. Pillowface if he can live with the 'barbarism' happening in the room, and Jack asks her if she can live with planes crashing in midair. Then we stop dancing around the subject and get right to the point: Mayer calls Jack 'reprehensible' and Jack delivers the Fox News Creed: 'You, sir, are weak, unwilling and unable to look evil in the eye and deal with it.' What will Mme. Pillowface do? To torture, or not to torture? She decides to arrest Jack and talk to Burnett herself. Surely that will be just as effective as copious TASERing. Pillowface undermines her ability to have values and stick to them by noting the cruel irony that Jack, a hero, will go to jail, and Burnett, a traitor, will get a free ride in exchange for information.
We are now treated to Mme. Pillowface's interrogation technique, which involves a lot of close-up Pillowshots and threats of the death penalty. Burnett laughs at the cute wittle liberal and asks for a lawyer.
Remember Renee? She's still going it alone, following Rogue Orderly's trail. She stumbles upon the whole Juma Gang, and calls Larry when she is WAY too close to many armed terrorists to be making phone calls. Larry promises to come to the rescue. Juma continues to lie to Dubaku Jr. about his daddy's fate. Renee recognizes Juma, though she muses it may be his identical twin. The troops move out before Larry and the gang can get there. Pesky real time. We see the same thing on both sides of the split screen, so for a second it seems like Juma really does have a twin. The Juma Gang gets on a boat, but probably not for a scenic cruise of the Potomac. Renee jumps loudly and awkwardly onto the back of the boat, dropping her gun in the water in the process. Somewhere, Jack is rolling his eyes.
At the White House, Bill wakes up from his Jack Attack and calls Tony to tell him the whole rogue torture plan didn't quite work out. He's very 'stern dad' with Tony ' remember when they hated each other and fought over Michelle? Remember Michelle?
Renee crawls around the boat and listens to Juma say lots of vague things about the intended target. Luckily, he leaves his big treasure map of the target on the boat so Renee can go take a look-see. The Juma Gang goes for a swim/dive. Renee grabs the map, which, hilariously, is a charcoal sketch of the outside of the White House (the kind of thing you might buy in a tourist shop). The only thing funnier would have been a piece of paper that just said 'THE WHITE HOUSE IS THE TARGET.' Renee swims off to tattle, but Dubaku Jr. pursues her in a very slow motorboat. Underwater, the Juma Gang is apparently drilling under the White House.
The hour ends, but our evening does not.
7 p.m-8 p.m.
It's like The West Wing with random acts of violence.
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| Ma'am, this would go quicker if you move your arms. |
Featuring: Genuinely exciting intrigue and the president getting smacked right in the (pillow)face.
Apparently there is some underwater path into the White House that decades of Secret Service agents failed to discover. The Juma Gang is still drilling.
Above ground, 24's most morally unambiguous and wonderful character, Aaron, and the president's daughter are arguing because daughter Olivia wants to go visit her dad at the hospital. Whereas Jack would have TASERed her, Aaron simply reasons with her and she is somewhat convinced. Chief Maybebad tells Olivia she should stay in the White House where it's safe because there is going to be another attack somewhere in D.C. Oy.
Larry Moss calls Mme. Pillowface and tells her Juma is in D.C. and part of the planned attack. He gives Renee props for finding Juma but tells Pillowface that they've lost contact with her.
Renee is running for her life from Dubaku Jr. She finds a random ranger and tells him about the White House attack, so obviously he is immediately shot and killed.
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| Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrron!!!!!!! |
Bill visits Jack in White House jail and tells him that Renee is in trouble. Jack asks Bill to serve as a proxy torturer to get info from Burnett, but Bill says, 'that's just not me.' Jack looks at Bill like he just admitted to listening to NPR and volunteering for the ACLU. You think you know someone'
The Juma Gang have help on the inside of the White House, someone who appears to be a maintenance man. Rogue Maintenance Man's nice coworker invites RMM over for Chinese food. Rogue Maintenance Man stabs the co-worker for daring to offer to serve him takeout.
RMM moves a cabinet and the Juma Gang is able to break into the White House. Really? No one ever thought to check behind the furniture? At the White House? The Juma Gang starts pacing through the halls of the White House, stabbing one staffer as a warmup. It's like The West Wing with random acts of violence.
Renee is still running, but Dubaku Jr. catches up to her. In an attempt to turn him, Renee spills that Juma killed Daddy Dubaku. That tactic doesn't quite work, so Renee hits him really hard with a shovel. They fight and Dubaku Jr. almost strangles Renee, but Larry and the cavalry arrive and kill the rest of the Dubaku family tree.
Larry Moss calls Bill to tell him the White House is the target. Bill, who apparently now runs the secret service, calls a 'condition red.' Bill, wisely, releases Jack. Mme. Pillowface is swept off, but not before she complains that Jack is the one helping to save her life. Bill removes the president's tracking Swatch and runs off with it to fool the Juma Gang. Jack joins the secret service, but tells them 'this is your house.' Bill offers no such courtesies.
The hide-the-Swatch game works for a while, but Bill is eventually surrounded and the jig is up. Even though the Juma Gang has, until now, killed every single person who dared to step into the hallway, including the press secretary, Juma decides to take Bill hostage instead of killing him. Maybe he's a big 24 fan.
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| Beep... Beep... Beep, dumbass. |
Aaron is trying to get the president's daughter to safety, but the White House 'lockdown'/ panic room is not an option because Jack has already sealed himself and Mme. Pillowface inside. Juma cuts off everyone's communications, and the Juma Gang gathers near the Presidential Panic Suite. Juma lies and tells the Secret Service that he has the president. The agent he reaches wisely says he needs proof of that claim, but then changes his mind and falls for Juma's trick. The Secret Service retreat, literally walking backwards. Juma tells his gang to gather all the hostages.
Aaron and Olivia are hiding behind some sort of grate. Aaron knows Juma is bluffing about having the President, but how can he get that message out to the secret service? Hostages gather, including Bill. One of Juma's men starts working on digitally overriding the Presidential Panic Suite door, and he reveals that the Juma Gang was given intel to help them accomplish this task.
Outside of the White House, Larry coordinates the assembled agents. Renee figures out that Jack is in the White House and gets all worried. Larry tries to make her hate Jack by telling her that he was getting his torture on in the middle of the West Wing, but she still looks worried. Sorry, Lar.
Inside, more hostages gather, including Senator Mayer.
In the Presidential Panic Suite, Mme. Pillowface can't figure out how the Juma Gang got in. She, like the rest of us, is somewhat appalled by the lack of security at the White House. Jack notes they had to have help from the inside, making the White House about as secure as, say, CTU, the FBI, or any government organization featured on this show. Jack realizes the Juma Gang is working to override the door, so he MacGyver's the control panel with the wire from a lamp. Mme. Pillowface helps by handing him tools and offering moral support. Juma is angered by this development, so he calls Jon Voight.
Jon Voight stops enjoying his Chinese food long enough to take the call. Juma demands Jon Voight's help, threatening to withhold a 'shipment' of something. This shipment is due in the port in two hours, so we'll probably find out what it is two weeks from now. Jon Voight helps by telling Juma that the president's daughter is in the building. Juma is happy. Jon Voight hangs up the phone and offers the following pearl: 'stress is the fertilizer of creativity.'
While Juma looks for the president's daughter in the crowd of hostages, Senator Mayer starts sniveling to Bill about torture again. This man has no sense of timing.
Olivia is not with the hostages, because Awesome Aaron is still trying to get her out of the White House. Aaron wants to try and get a signal to the troops outside. He wants Olivia to hide while he does this, but she is as stubborn as her mom and insists on going with Aaron. He tells her they will use a window in the residence to get the signal out. Hopefully this will involve a flashlight and some morse code.
Outside, Larry Moss talks to the Vice President to get him to authorize a rescue mission into the White House. Moss did not need morse code to figure out that the president is probably safe in the Presidential Panic Suite, but the VP is not convinced, and won't authorize the mission. He is very condescending to both Larry and Renee, so he's either evil or liberal. He gains 'evil' points when he hangs up on Larry and Renee and his staffer, 'Derek,' mentions that it would hurt the VP politically if he became president after authorizing a mission that got the current president killed.
Back inside, Aaron gets shot. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! It will take more than a bullet to stop Aaron, though, and he still manages to give Olivia the plan to signal the troops ' which, embarrassingly enough, actually does involve a flashlight and morse code. She starts to give the signal, but she is captured by the Juma Gang. The gang brings wounded Aaron with him, and he looks incredibly disappointed in himself. It's not your fault, Aaron! Please don't let him get the silent clock.
Jack Bauer is in an office ' oh, wait, this is an extremely out-of-place PSA about climate change. Kiefer asks us to consider our carbon footprint, lest he be forced to TASER our asses. How energy efficient is a TASER, anyway?
Back in the actual show, Jon Voight is watching the news about the White House siege, looking pleased and eager to receive his shipment of LL Bean Fleeces or whatever it is.
I
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| Pillow fought. |
n the White House, the Juma Gang discovers the camera that lets the president see what's happening outside of the Presidential Panic Suite. Juma says hi to his mom, dad, and Mme. Pillowface, and then brings in the president's only fully alive family member. He threatens to cut out Olivia's eyes, tongue, and head. That last part seems like overkill. Mme. Pillowface immediately tries to open the door, but Jack won't let her. The president asks Jack if he has children, an unfortunate reminder to all of us that Kim Bauer exists. The president asks if Jack would let Juma hack up Kim (please?). Jack admits he would save her, be it from terrorists or cougars, but reminds Mme. Pillowface that he is not president. She pulls the president card and orders him to open the door.
Jack reluctantly complies, walking out in front of the president. Jack joins the hostages , and Senator Mayer has the nerve to say, 'Dammit Bauer, what have you done?' Oh, Mayer, you are such a wiener.
Mme. Pillowface tells Juma to release the hostages and he slaps her. Hard. 'You don't give orders to me,' he says, and then tells her he needs to get a camera ready for 'the last statement she'll ever give.' Hopefully she won't say something stupid like 'stress is the fertilizer of creativity.'
Next week: Hostages, videos, explosions, and most likely a lesson to Juma about the potential pitfalls of keeping Jack Bauer alive as a hostage.
Death Watch:
One Dubaku!
One Dubaku Jr. (most likely)
One TASERed phone
One Random Ranger
One White House maintenance staffer
14 White House Staffers (approximate count)
1 White House Press Secretary (most likely)
2 members of the Juma Gang (approximate count)
Let's play darts!
Daddy, your power is sooo sexy!!
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