The Hours: Season 7 ''I give you the world's deadliest seltzer bottle.

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The Hours: Season 7 ''I give you the world's deadliest seltzer bottle.

POSTED: Monday, May 18, 2009, 2:00 PM

Filed Under: TV 24

5 a.m.-6 a.m.

All I ask is that you not make me feel like an idiot when you're pointing that out!

Featuring: Tony is hilariously beaten down and somebody finally tells Jack where a bomb is.

Last week on 24' You know how, in movies, when somebody gets killed and somebody else finds the person who was killed and looks up at the camera and screams 'NOOOOOOO!' at it? That was me, last week, when they blew up Jon Voight.

Before 24, a promo airs for an upcoming Fox show called Glee Club. It looks kind of like Fame, only without Leroy or Nia Peeples. It's an effective ad, because now I know that I will never, ever watch this show.

After an incredibly lengthy 'Previously on'' we begin the 5:00 AM hour with Lady Zartan filling in secretive supervillain Alan Wilson on what we just saw in the incredibly lengthy 'Previously on'' segment. Behind her, some creepy guy in a white spacesuit arms the supermegabioweapon canister with a trigger mechanism, which will allow deadly spritzing of the bioweapon. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the world's deadliest seltzer bottle.

For his part, Tony continues to put pressure on poor Jibraan to be his unwilling fall guy. They've done a great job building sympathy for Jibraan in an hour, and Tony has become pretty unrepentantly evil. He pretty much has to get Bauered at the end of the season at this point. Back inside, Lady Zartan dons her latest evil wig and loads up the Deathspritzer.

Jack and Renee are still at Jibraan's pad, hoping that the terrorist Hamid pretty awesomely stabbed with a mirror shard last week pulls through, as he's their only lead. Jack gives Walker the option to leave, but she's too far gone now to wimp out, so she sticks around to watch Jack jab the guy in his bleeding stab wound. The gut folds so Jack will stop poking him, and Jack says he better give them useful info or, so help him, he'll treat this guy like he just talked shit about Brooke Shields.

Poked.

At FBI HQ, Chloe and Janeane Garofalo exchange some back and forth snark, and Chloe gleefully wins the fight. She goads Garofalo into saying 'It's obvious I'll never be able to do things as well as you did at CTU. All I ask is that you not make me feel like an idiot when you're pointing that out!' Heh.

Deathspritzer!

Jack gets Bleeding Terrorist to call up Tony with some lame excuse so they can try to track the call, but Tony has some kind of blocking device on his cell, which means they can only vaguely triangulate his location.

Jibraan has been sent alone down into the Metro, and he takes out his earpiece and makes a last-ditch effort to get out of this by going to subway security, telling them about Tony's plot. Unfortunately for him, the cop security sends him to is one of Tony's plants who calmly tells Jibraan to put his earpiece back in. He complies, and Tony gives him a collegial 'Hey, no worries buddy, we knew you'd try that' before giving him a slightly less chummy 'but seriously, bro, we'll totally kill your brother if you do that again.' Jibraan slumps his shoulders and heads into the train area.

Elsewhere, Aaron Pierce calls up First Daughter Olivia Taylor to tell her that an investigation is already underway of the 11 people who knew Voight's itinerary before he got blowed up real good last week. He's also pissed that she apparently left the White House on her own without his protection and reads her the riot act. Of course, Olivia had to go on her own, because she's meeting Martin, her hitman fixer-upper. Martin admits that he gave the go-ahead to kill Voight despite her not sending the payment through and bitches her out for ever calling him in the first place if she didn't have the guts to go through with killing people. He also points out that she maybe oughta pay the hitman anyway, or he'll blow her up, too. On the plus side, he promises to send her a program that will wipe out her Web browsing history, so that's nice.

Even more elsewhere'ah, hell, Kim's still on the show. She's calling her husband to yak about being delayed on her way home, and look we all know she's going to be in immediate danger because Kim Bauer is always in immediate danger.

The Baroness!

On the train, Lady Zartan ' who, as it turns out, has disguised herself as The Baroness ' sets the supermegabioweapon to 'kill soon' and leaves it in the train car where Jibraan is seated. She calls Tony to let him know that the package is in place, which allows Chloe to lock down Tony's location.

Jack gets there right away and rams the hell out of Tony's Evil A-Team van, sending Tony sprawling like he's on the deck of the Enterprise. Seconds later, he yanks the door open, rips Tony out of the back of the van, locks him in a sleeperhold and calls him a 'piece of crap.' Just when you start to forget why you watch this show, Jack is there to remind you.

To give Tony some credit, he did manage to destroy his PDA right before Jack schooled him, so when we get back from commercial, Chloe and Garofalo exchange some nerdspeak about trying to get info out of it. Garofalo gets to save some face by knowing some tech trick Chloe doesn't.

Jack commits Grand Theft Oxygen

Jack sends the feds away for some personal time with Tony, which consists of whispering a question to him, then punching him in the face ten times. I counted! Jack then pulls a gun on Tony, but they both play the 'I have nothing left to lose' card at the same time. Tony tells Jack to go ahead and kill him, essentially calling Jack's bluff for the time being. Jack gives him a look of quiet disgust and heads off with Walker to follow up on the lead that they pulled out of Tony's broken Kindle.

Chloe and Garofalo get patched through to Jibraan through some tech wizardry. Jibraan wants to talk to Hamid, but Jack gets him back on message and has him start looking around his train car for wherever Tony's team stashed the device. He eventually remembers seeing a hot Baroness lady, and when the train empties out, he's able to spot the Bowling Ball Bag O' Doom. Inside, the device is ticking down, with less than a minute and a half to go. Jack tells him that they won't make it to him that fast, so he's got to meet them halfway, causing poor Jibraan to go on a mad dash through the Metro.

Security tries to stop him, but as if in answer to all those times Jack demanded to know where bombs were, Jibraan wisely screams out 'I HAVE A BOMB!' to get everyone the hell away from him and he manages to make it to Jack just in time.

Jack dumps the bomb into some special super Hazmat truck that has a little clear booth where you can throw exploding supermegabioweapons to let them detonate safely, and I assume this kind of thing actually exists. He gives Jibraan a pat on the back and then wryly smiles at Walker before remembering to almost die for a second. This latest death tremor earns him some quality huggin' time from Walker, and now I'm kind of hoping that Jack is just faking all the seizures as a long term plan to make his move on Renee.

As we go to this commercial, I suddenly realize that the bomb in the metro threat has just been handled, but it didn't involve Kim. She's going to be kidnapped again, isn't she? Has anyone ever been kidnapped this many times, real or fictional?

Is this guy illegally downloading 24 while the show is being aired?

Back from commercial, and we are indeed with Kim waiting in the airport. I guess even she's tired of being kidnapped, because she scans the airport lobby for creepy dudes who want to nab her, and since there aren't any NHL players around, she just assumes it's the lone guy who briefly stares at her. As a precaution, she wanders over to a couple also in the airport lobby, and from the looks of their questionable hair, it's immediately obvious to everyone who isn't an idiot that these are the real kidnappers. Lo and behold, the guy she pegged as her potential captor is actually one of Jack's FBI pals who was keeping tabs on Kim for him. See? Even Jack assumes she's always about to be kidnapped.

The Baroness calls up Wilson and tells him that their plan was a total bust, and Wilson gets to do a 'DAMNIT!' I bet that was in Will Patton's contract demands. She also tells him that Tony has been arrested, but assures him that she has another plan in place. She offers no details, but it's safe to assume it probably involves another wig and maybe a fake scar from her Baron Von Costume's Deluxe Disguise Kit.

Back at the airport, Kim is once again proven to be a terrible judge of character when Creepy Husband Guy offers to go buy some coffee for everyone, which is really just a ploy to excuse himself so that he can follow the Kim's FBI attach' into the bathroom and kill him with some garrote wire. That he doesn't even put up much of a fight makes it pretty clear that this guy knew he was doomed the second he drew Kim Patrol. The only role on this show with a higher fatality rate than 'person with vital data who is just about to reveal that important info to CTU' is 'person in a scene with Kim Bauer.'

At the White House, Olivia Taylor is stomping through the White House like she's Liz Lemon. Aaron Pierce and his arm sling are waiting there to tell her that he's no longer interested in being her bodyguard because she took off without him, and because he pretty much knows she's up to no good. But Olivia does some quick emotional manipulation, playing on Pierce's sympathies for all the crap that's happened to her family this season and back in the 24 TV movie, and he buys it. Hell, I know she's evil and I bought it. I think I might be into Evil Olivia.

But wait, Aaron didn't buy it! He calls up the deposed Chief of Staff Ethan Kanin from earlier in the day and asks him about some kind of secret recording device that's apparently installed in the Chief of Staff's office. Mike Novick gets a quick name drop as Aaron convinces Ethan to return to the White House so his thumbprint can access the secret recording devices so they can hear party tapes of Olivia hiring dudes to blow people up. Olivia, for her part, goes back to the totally hilarious EXECUTE/CANCEL screen from last week, but this time she chooses EXECUTE. Somewhere, Jon Voight gets even more blown up.

Hamid arrives on site with the Imam from last week who displayed some serious balls of steel by standing up to Jack. Hamid and Jibraan get to have a well-earned emotional reunion. While they hug each other, the Imam looks over to Jack and they exchange the kind of solemn nods that two awesome people exchange after serious business has gone down, which is the only kind of emotional payoff that Jack ever really gets to experience.

At the airport, Creepy Killer Husband Guy returns with coffee and gives the most obvious 'I killed that guy' coded message to his partner, but Kim is oblivious. He either secretly films her with his laptop, or he's got a slingbox on his TV at home so he can watch 24 while it airs. The Baroness calls up Jack and sends him the video of Kim at the airport to his cell phone blackmail him into free Tony. Tony, for his part, is led into the back of a fed van by Walker, who gets in his bloody face to tell him that he's going to pay for what he did to American Hero Larry Moss.

Jack hops in with a 'hey, changed my mind, I'm riding with you guys anyway.' Now, Renee only joined the show this season, so I'll give her a pass for not realizing that on 24, whenever Jack does this, it means he's about to beat up every other good guy to do some crazy stuff at the order of bad guys who have his family held hostage or who have a nuke pointed at something. Seriously, this happens every season at least once.

As Jack looks around the van at everybody, including Tony and Walker, the Baroness whispers into his earpiece that he better free Tony ' and kill anyone who gets in his way ' if he wants to save Kim, and that's it for this week.

Next week: The exciting two hour season finale of 24, which apparently features Renee F'n Walker hanging out of the side of a van blowing people away like she's in Grand Theft Auto. I am so there.

Death Count:

Kim Bauer's cell phone battery
FBI Guy Assigned To Kim Bauer And Therefore Assigned To Die

Larry Monroe

Posted 2009-05-20 20:44:00

Who is the actor who played Airport Creepy Killer Husband Guy?

Please email me the answer. Thank you. LM

Posted by bobmccormick @ 2:00 PM Permalink | Post a comment

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