THE PASTY POSTULANT: Titty twirling tactics

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THE PASTY POSTULANT: Titty twirling tactics

POSTED: Wednesday, March 10, 2010, 9:25 PM

Emily Currier

I put these on my boobs.

We sent admittedly shy Emily Currier to Annie A-Bomb's Philadelphia School of Burlesque at the Walking Fish Theatre to learn about the vaudevillian art form. Each week, she'll file a report of her progress from the tasseled and bedazzled frontlines. Catch up on Emily's first adventure.

"We already have one prostitute and two zombies," Anna informs me as I walk into my second burlesque on Tuesday. Rats, there go my ideas.

Last week, our teacher Anna Frangiosa/Annie A-bomb told us to think up show theme and song ideas and to ransack our closets for potential costumes, and the three other students and I dutifully paid attention. The other girls have scattered the contents of their closets around the room: an explosion of polka dots, red cherries, lacy underthings and black. I'm packing the puffiest, most puritanical garments in my wardrobe, including a virginal white gown I wasn't even able to fit into as a string-bean high-schooler. Naturally, this dress champions the others and Anna helps me figure out the logistics of how to actually fit into the dress before I seductively slink out of it.

Later we gather around the craft table for our pasties-making session. The conversation hovers around the other women's children or falls silent as everyone focuses intently on hot-gluing rhinestones. "Isn't it strange how much hot glue goes on around the nipples?" one woman says as she puts the finishing touches on pasties that resemble tiny little studded shields. We were given options of different circle sizes that essentially depend on the size of our nipple. I've opted for the largest size that not only sufficiently covers my nipples, it covers up my boobs, torso and some of my shoulders as well. (In reality, they're about the size of a compact.)

The respectable craft party quickly turns into every man's fantasy when everyone takes their tops off to give their pasties a test run. The other girls show no awkwardness about de-shirting, while I struggle with tactics of discretion I picked up in the trenches of the high school locker room. We literally tape the tasseled, bedazzled nipple-covers to our breasts (the sacrifices we make for art!).

For the flat-chested in the class (party of one!), Anna demonstrates a see-sawing foot routine straight out of an aerobics, while the other women get the proper effect from shoulder shimmies. I learn that making your tasseled titties twirl around like a car wash is largely an act of faith: For as much momentum you can get from various shimmying, the key is to not keep looking down to make sure your pasties haven't flown off in the process.

From tassel-twirling we move onto various sexy ways to remove your elbow-length gloves, such as the tug, the wipe, the bite, the whip and the gag. We are talking about taking off gloves here, right?

Next Week's Adventure: In class three, we'll actually learn how to do burlesque dancing!

Josh

Posted 2010-03-10 18:30:22

Titties!

Felicia D'Ambrosio

Posted 2010-03-11 10:55:03

I am so jealous!  How did you score this assignment!!!

Emily Currier

Posted 2010-03-11 16:46:27

By being a B.A... and also a masochist.  

And yes: titties!

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Featuring everything from event roundups to concert reviews and sex talk, City Paper's Critical Mass is a space for off-the-wall coverage of Philly's A&E scene.

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