'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except ... the four assholes coming in the rear in standard two-by-two cover formation: A selection of Xmas watchables

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'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except ... the four assholes coming in the rear in standard two-by-two cover formation: A selection of Xmas watchables

POSTED: Tuesday, December 23, 2008, 9:20 PM

Filed Under: Movies | TV Watch

Every year, studios fill theaters with a glut of holiday fare that's full of saccharine Christmas blandness. It fills a theme, our hearts are warmed, our movie ticket dollars are spent. But every once an awhile, true classics come along that more than just filler for TNT on Christmas Day. Without further ado:

It's a Wonderful Life

Watch this: To know the feeling of pure joy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you've heard it all before. George Bailey (Jimmy Stewart) wants to die but is saved by an angel who shows him what life would be like without him (i.e. totally shitty). But here's It's a Wonderful Life's dirty little secret: It's the sexiest Christmas movie ever made. In the scene above, George's soon-to-be wife Mary (Donna Reed) gets a phone call from her beau and plays up her happiness in order to make George jealous. As her boyfriend prattles on, George and Mary stare at each other intermittently with such incredible longing in their eyes, it doesn't matter that they're fully clothed. "Are you trying to steal my girl?" Mary's boyfriend asks George at the beginning of the conversation. Shit, son, he already has.

Trading Places

Watch this: Because the shots of early '80s Philly are classic enough. The city may be in the shitter now, but at least it doesn't look like 1983.

Scrooged

Watch this: Because no one does loveable asshole like Bill Murray (see Ghostbusters, Stripes, honestly anything he's ever been in…). So Murray as the ultimate asshole Ebeneezer Scrooge? Perfect. And he's only helped by the various Ghosts of Christmas, including former New York Doll/hot-hot-hot Buster Poindexter David Johannsson.

Babes in Toyland

Watch this: Because it's surreal as fuck, like any good kids movie. This TV movie, based off of the operetta, features Drew Barrymore as a girl who gets transported to Toyland and helps Mary Contrary and Jack Be Nimble (Keanu Reeves at his oh-so-Reeviest!) get married.

Night Court: The Christmas Episode

Watch this: Because of Michael J. Fox! Plus, who doesn't love Night Court?

Die Hard

Watch this: Because it's the best of the four set. Set at Christmastime, Bruce Willis is all true grit and Alan Rickman hams it up so much as uber-villain Hans Grubman, he could feed a family of four. True the Christmas story isn't central to the plot but the holiday soundtrack only adds to the badassery.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Watch this because: The title alone ain't doing it for you? Martians kidnap Santa. Kids save Santa. There are martians. Stars ultimate camp queen Pia Zadora.

A Christmas Story

Watch this: Because You'll shoot you're eye out, kid! And we all had a Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle at one point in our lives. Gets a spot for the leg lamp alone, if not for being one of the truest pictures of holiday family time. Peter Billingsley (aka Ralphie) is buds with Vince Vaughn and now works as an exec producer on movies like Iron Man and the decidedly non-classic Four Christmases.

Evil Christmas (aka You Better Watch Out)

Watch this: Because of Killer Santa. Hilarious.

Your turn! What are your holiday favorites?

Anna Verna

Posted 2008-12-23 16:50:09

what about elf?

Marc Steel

Posted 2008-12-26 09:38:34

Excellent list! I'd say Lethal Weapon also belongs on there with Die Hard.

Posted by Molly Eichel @ 9:20 PM Permalink | Post a comment

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Featuring everything from event roundups to concert reviews and sex talk, City Paper's Critical Mass is a space for off-the-wall coverage of Philly's A&E scene.

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