Poetic License

POETIC LICENSE: Horoscopes, Dec. 31-Jan. 6

POSTED: Friday, December 31, 2010, 2:00 PM

Filed Under: Poetic License

Your 2011 Resolutions Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Count your success in the gregariousness of your children, the sparkliness of your kitchen, the way you remember the origin of every ornament. Your lucky day is always. Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Resolve to be less arbitrary. Decorate your nest as deliberately as a bowerbird does. Never mind David Attenborough murmuring nearby. Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): Resolve nothing. January for you is about pajamas, fluffy flannel bedding and cups of tea. Feel free to light ladies' magazine amounts of candles. Rest as much as you can, until the daffodils come up. Aries (March 21-April 18): Listen to more comedy albums, but not that Louis C.K. (Really, dude? The six-letter f-word? Over and over? What a jackass.) Stick with Mitch Hedberg, Paula Poundstone, Demetri Martin, Aziz Ansari. Taurus (April 19-May 18): Resolve to frame every piece of kid-art that comes your way. Carry scribbled Post-It notes like talismans. Frame swaths of ruined wall. Amazing. Gemini (May 19-June 21): Resolve to ask for help, with the dishes, with the yard, with the blues. Get back some of the riches that you've handed around, with your heart like luminarias. Cancer (June 22-July 23): Get a whole bunch of really optimistic magazines and spend an afternoon perusing them. Take the resolutions that sound the most fun, then cut the rest up for collages. (Bonus points, as always, for glitter.) Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): You're winning. Resolve yourself a trophy room, full of blue ribbons and statuettes. You made the best pie. You bowled a mostly perfect game. Your My Little Ponies have the most perfectly braided manes. Be sure to reward yourself for anything, everything. Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): Resolve to remember, you're not the only one who identifies with this excerpt from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: "Luna had decorated her bedroom ceiling with five beautifully painted faces: Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, and Neville. They were not moving as the portraits at Hogwarts moved, but there was a certain magic about them all the same: Harry thought they breathed. What appeared to be fine golden chains wove all around the pictures, linking them together, but after examining them for a minute or two, Harry realized that the gold chains were actually one word, repeated a thousand times in golden ink: friends...friends...friends.." Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): Take off all of your costumes. Hang them neatly in your closet. Get some copper polish for your steampunk gear. Repair everything and go out unadorned. Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): Like the Philadelphians who drag out chairs to reserve their parking spaces, resolve to claim yourself a little bit of space, either metaphorically or by dragging out furniture. Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): Make a list marked "Bigger Dreams" for 2011. Be very specific and use a LOT of adjectives. Cut the list into snowflakes and fold the snowflakes neatly into a Godiva box. Tie with a bow and hope for the best.

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POETIC LICENSE: Horoscopes, Dec. 24-30

POSTED: Friday, December 24, 2010, 2:00 PM

Filed Under: Poetic License

Devoted poet/avid concert-goer/nerd-grrrl extraordinaire Jane Cassady's weekly horoscopes run in this space every Friday morning. The Holly Jolly Edition Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Emulate Buddy from Elf: Expect people to be nicer, shinier, jollier than they really are. Be amazing and prolific at cut-paper decorations. Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Like Brittany from Glee, you still believe in Santa Claus. Celebrate elaborate ruses, spurious physics and carrots left out for reindeer. The stars believe, too. Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): All of your far-away friends are thinking of you, their thoughts jingling through the night air in your direction, keeping the children awake. Aries (March 21-April 18): Edward Scissorhands is a very sad Christmas movie. Make a place for your inner misfit, not hidden in the castle making snow, but down among the houses, cutting everyone's hair. Taurus (April 19-May 18): You are the Glee version of "Baby, It's Cold Outside," groundbreaking and old-timey, all at once. Gemini (May 19-June 21): Decorate all of your cookies in the shape of your New Year's resolutions: the books published, the apologies cut down on, the energy conserved. Cancer (June 22-July 23): In the Muppet version of It's a Wonderful Life, Kermit and Gonzo sing a duet called "Everyone Matters," and it's true! Think of all the good you've done this year, for everyone. The stars would like to thank you. Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): Like Fred Claus, you have a heart the size of Chicago, the gift of gab, and the propensity to dance to Elvis while disrupting elf productivity. You're sometimes outshined, but never outloved! Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): Your Christmas card list is expanding. Sit down and write love letters for hours in front of a Top Chef: Just Desserts marathon. Make mix tapes for all of your sweethearts. Use every single stamp. Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): Last night during a holiday dinner, a favorite couple of mine performed "Sisters" from White Christmas, as voiced by two rosemary dinner rolls. Get it, rosemary? Like Rosemary Clooney? Be as silly and perfect and awesome as that. Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): In Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas, family togetherness triumphs over poverty, greed, and The Riverbottom Nightmare Band. You've overcome so much this year. I wish you hugs from Muppet otters! Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): "Charlie Brown is a blockhead, but he did get a pretty nice tree." Put aside all of your complaints. Forget everything but singing.

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POETIC LICENSE: Horoscopes, Dec. 17-23

POSTED: Friday, December 17, 2010, 2:00 PM

Filed Under: Critical Mass | Poetic License

Devoted poet/avid concert-goer/nerd-grrrl extraordinaire Jane Cassady's weekly horoscopes run in this space every Friday morning. Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): Is there any creative gift you've put off giving? Any songs you've been rehearsing for open mics, for instance? The starts have opened their ears and are waiting to hear the ring of your bell-voice, shimmering the air. Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): My friend Sarah, like at true Unitarian, asked me which December holiday I'd like a card for, and, also like a true Unitarian, I said, "all of them." Celebrate early, loudly and often, Capricorn, your birthday is coming! Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Remember the gift of welcomeness. Throw open your doors to everyone, light every little lamp, cover all of the tables with Italian-grandmother amounts of food. People get lonely this time of year, and you can help. Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): Your heart is like a Cracker Barrel restaurant, full of corn muffins and vintage candies. Spend some time contemplating the weird old-timey wall decorations in there. Bundle up, sit in those nice Adirondack chairs, and wait. Aries (March 21-April 18): In the movie Funny People, Eminem plays the devil on the shoulder of Adam Sandler's character, telling him that he can't change even as he is mid-breakthrough. Don't listen to your inner Marshall Mathers, Aries. You can do it. Taurus (April 19-May 18): If you're having one of those days where you feel like your life doesn't amount to enough put away Kanye's new album, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. Turn on Girl Talk. It's upbeat and emotionally neutral. Dance around the room. Gemini (May 19-June 21): In the words of Marcel from Top Chef, "You don't fuck with someone else's mise en place." Also, trust your friends and frenemies to decorate their banana purÃ©e however they see fit. Cancer (June 22-July 23): Oh, Jen from Top Chef, I so much hated seeing you go, but I loved hearing your Philadelphia swearing on the way out. If I could afford it, I would go straight to 10 Arts by Eric Ripert and give you a hug. Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): "You don't need to know. That's between me and Santa," said a fellow adult writing a letter at the Macy's Santa Mailbox. What would you ask for, now that you can write cursive and afford your own stamp? In the words of Monsters of Folk, "Hold out your hands, say please." Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): Listen to Too Beautiful to Live's Fascinating People Episode. (Jen and Luke interviewed each other!) What's your answer to this question: "What's the happiest part of the week for you?" Do that, ten-fold. Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): You are a CATCH, Libra, and don't forget it. Make ornaments of all your fine traits, cover them in glitter and spangles, and hang them on the Christmas tree with UNBELIEVABLE amounts of tinsel. You are very shiny. Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): You can have anything you want this week, so make it good. Stock up on produce, spices, music, and candles. Update your wishlists and library reserves. You're that kind of rich.

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Critical Mass

POSTED: Tuesday, December 14, 2010, 12:00 PM

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POETIC LICENSE: Horoscopes, Dec. 10-16

POSTED: Friday, December 10, 2010, 3:00 PM

Filed Under: Poetic License

Devoted poet/avid concert-goer/nerd-grrrl extraordinaire Jane Cassady's weekly horoscopes run in this space every Friday morning. Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): I realized last night that I'd been reading too much Harry Potter. I woke up stuffy and was trying to work out how to magic my nose better. For you, though, there's no reason to cut down on the magical thinking. Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): "If we could gather all the electric eels from all around the world, we would be able to light up an unimaginably large Christmas tree," —Kazuhiko Minawa. Harness your defenses for similarly festive uses. Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): In the HBO series Bored to Death, the fictionalized Jonathan Ames has taken up detective work to help him through some writer's block issues. Think of some inspiring side-jobs for yourself, Aquarius! Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): Happy graduation. A new network of treasure-mazes is set up for you. Keep your bright lamp-eyes and your brilliant sense of direction. Aries (March 21-April 18): If you were a principle of Kwanzaa, you'd be Imani. You believe things into transparency, trust people into diamonds, know the weather as a series of constants. Good for you. Taurus (April 19-May 18): It's time to start thinking about your New Year's resolutions. Yours should be lovely, small, and finite: Plant more bulbs for daffodils, call instead of text. Spend more time looking at kittens. Gemini (May 19-June 21): Meditate this week on the following question: Which Big Bang Theory character are you? Why? Cancer (June 22-July 23): ): You are like Southern California weather: equal parts dependable and dramatic. Even if right now you're all wildfire and mudslide, you'll be sunny and 78 degrees soon enough. Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): Fold up today and put it in your pocket. Sit down and peruse it when you get a quiet hour. Edit or illuminate as needed. Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): In the wise words of Willow Smith, "Hop up out the bed/ turn (your) swag on /Pay no attention to them haters cuz we whip em off /and we ain't doing nothing wrong/so don't tell me nothing, i'm just tryna have fun /so keep the party jumping." (That song is stuck in my head FOREVER due to preparations for my afterschool program's talent show.) Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): A favorite Libra told me recently that I should never write a poem about math. I was immediately tempted with metaphors about constants and the dreamy romantic entanglements of polynomials. Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): My little niece and nephew have a fantastic magic trick: Shae says, "I will now make this little boy disappear!" and puts a blanket over Kieran's head. When she pulls off the blanket and yells "TADA!" he hightails it out of the room. I hope to someday make some art as great as that.

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POETIC LICENSE: Horoscopes, Dec. 3-9

POSTED: Friday, December 3, 2010, 2:00 PM

Filed Under: Poetic License

Devoted poet/avid concert-goer/nerd-grrrl extraordinaire Jane Cassady's weekly horoscopes run in this space every Friday morning. Harry Potter and the Fake Astrologer SPOILER ALERT: If you're one of those folks who are only watching the movies, you may want to read this ... next July. Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): You are Mrs. McGonagall! It seems like you should be in the Order of the Phoenix, but someone has to stay at school and be academically heroic — then kick some ass at the end. You are a master of Transfiguration, use it wisely. Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Before Deathly Hallows came out, my sister had a "Trust Snape" bumper sticker on the back of her minivan. Dumbledore trusted him, and that was good enough for her. Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): You are Dobby, a free elf. You like to refer to yourself in the third person. You are loyal enough to bewitch bludgers and block the platform to keep Harry Potter from danger. You love your friends more than anything. Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): You are Molly Weasley, mistress of kitchen magic, high priestess of nagging, deliverer of the swift kick of justice. Your will is titanium, your heart is mush. Aries (March 21-April 18): You are Remus Lupin! Even though you were distracted by your own werewolf troubles, you still took time to show Harry how to conjure a Patronus. Then Harry showed Dumbledore's army, and the rest is history. Taurus (April 19-May 18): Like Hagrid, you've got a soft spot for monsters. Be careful where you hide your dragons, sure, but no need to resort to the boredom of flobberworms. Gemini (May 19-June 21): You are Hermione Granger. You are constantly wondering, "Hasn't anyone else read Hogwarts, A History?" Luckily, you have. Cancer (June 22-July 23): Like Mad Eye Moody, you're very perceptive but you tend to catastrophise. Keep your 360 vision sharp and your sneakoscope at the ready, but really, try to find dome time to relax. Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): You may have started off clumsy and forgetful, like Neville Longbottom, but your misfit status will mean that you're one of the few students checking the Dumbledore's Army communication coin thingie. You'll be a key player in the resistance. Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): A friend of mine told me that I am Luna Lovegood, which makes sense because she also thinks I make deals with rainbows. Luna's a bit more new-agey than I am, but I'll take it was a compliment. I can be helpful with exposition and explain to Harry about the Thestrals. Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): You are Nymphadora Tonks, registered metamorphmagus. You can shift your appearance all you want, but you'll be a constant underneath that pink hair. Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): You're as strong and as surly as Sirius Black. Watch out for shifty rats. Be ready to assume the form of a dog at any time. Remember that chocolate will offset the effects of the dementors.

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POETIC LICENSE: Thanksgiving Horoscopes, Nov. 25-Dec. 2

POSTED: Thursday, November 25, 2010, 2:00 PM

Filed Under: Poetic License

Devoted poet/avid concert-goer/nerd-grrrl extraordinaire Jane Cassady's weekly horoscopes run in this space every Friday (or sometimes Thursday!) morning. Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): Happy Birthday Month! Your celebratory quote comes from Leonard Cohen: "Once your life is organized so beautifully that there's a table, and a chair, and a typewriter, that already is an incredible triumph." Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part One is pretty bleak, but you can enjoy it more by 1) enjoying all of the beautiful landscapes, and 2) remembering all of the badassery to come. Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Dear Lost Friend: I don't know if you still read these, but if you do: I still think of you every time I hear Belle and Sebastian's song, "Wrapped Up in Books," AKA the song on the set list that you didn't play. I still have the set list, too. Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): A Scrabble Blessing: May you know all of your two-letter words, as well as the "q-with-no-u"s. May you never end up with all vowels or all consonants. May your seven letters spell one word, every time, and may you have someplace to put each one. Amen. Aries (March 21-April 18): When Liz Lemon experiences a small victory, she says that she's "high-fiving a million angels!" Prepare to have just that much to celebrate. Taurus (April 19-May 18): Make like the "Tons of Fucking Sequins" guy. (Google it.) Load up your arms with something decadent and swear exultantly about it for all to hear. Gemini (May 19-June 21): "You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant/ Excepting Alice/ You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant /Walk right in it's around the back/ Just a half a mile from the railroad track/You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant." —Arlo Guthrie Cancer (June 22-July 23): Replace all of your self-portraits with cels from your favorite cartoons. You're almost a Care Bear anyway, so just go ahead and make the leap. Leo (July 24-Aug. 23: "If you have ever gone into the woods with me, I must love you very much."—Mary Oliver. Grab someone brilliant and beautiful and go watch the last leaves. Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): While everyone's out starting their holiday shopping, stay home and repair what you already have; sew buttons on neglected pants, dust hard-to-reach places, back up your files. Soon you'll need all of your energy for stringing lights. Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): One of my favorite family-weekend traditions is after-dinner Mario Kart. Do something that makes you laugh hysterically and fall off imaginary rope bridges: 1! 2! 3! GO! Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): "What a beautiful face/I have found in this place/That is circling all round' the sun/And when we meet on a cloud/I'll be laughing out loud/I'll be laughing with everyone I see/Can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all."—Neutral Milk Hotel

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POETIC LICENSE: Horoscopes, Nov. 19-25

POSTED: Friday, November 19, 2010, 2:00 PM

Filed Under: Poetic License

Devoted poet/avid concert-goer/nerd-grrrl extraordinaire Jane Cassady's weekly horoscopes run in this space every Friday morning. Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): I was disappointed last week when Kanye West said he was sorry for saying "George Bush doesn't care about black people" during that Katrina telethon, but nothing can unmake the art of that moment. He can no more apologize for that blurt than Andy Warhol can apologize for a can of soup. Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): The Thanksgiving assignment from my (Unitarian) church this month is: Write down two blessings a day, one you gave and one you got. Corny advice, but then, the best things in life are often corny ... Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Give yourself a sick day, even if you feel fine. Wrap up in blankets and watch a season or two of How I Met Your Mother. Live on apple sauce and soup. Relax. Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): I highly recommend the anthology Other People's Rejection Letters. It contains, among other things, a notice discharging one Mr. James Hendrix from the military. (You'll never guess what he got caught doing!) Here's to major mishaps that help you survive and make music. Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): Your favorite movie star will come to you in your dreams if you devote some time to fantasizing. Turn off your headphones on long bus rides and walks to the bank; make your synapses ready like a soft bed, like an invitation. Aries (March 21-April 18): Last night we were watching Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I said "This is the Empire Strikes Back of the series," then realized that most of the Potters are like Empire: Always missing pieces, always regrouping, always up against impossible odds, but (like you) always magic. Taurus (April 19-May 18): My teen assistant at work is writing a paper about what he sees as a New World Order conspiracy within the hip-hop community. When he showed me Kanye's Power video as evidence, I said the following: "The devil isn't the only mythological creature with horns," and "Maybe it's not a fallen angel. Maybe it's just sitting." Gemini (May 19-June 21): Misguided apologies may be in style, but check your lists anyway — any genuine sorries owed? Even maybe to yourself? Cancer (June 22-July 23): Follow the words of Weezer, from their last good album: "I don't wanna be an old man anymore/ It's been a year or two since I was out on the floor/ Shaking booty, making sweet love all the night/ It's time I got back to the good life." Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): Last week at the Philly Poetry Slam, the featured poets had a feud going about who's cuter, otters or lions. They even had special hats. Be as cute as that! Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): Elizabeth Bishop said: "I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,/ some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent." Try to mitigate the losing before it comes to that. Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): Yesterday I got not one but TWO mix CDs from a friend I've never actually met. To make me feel like even more of a millionaire, I recognized almost NONE of the songs. Hope that fate will bring you someone with the music collection not-quite opposite of yours.

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POETIC LICENSE: Horoscopes, Nov. 12-18

POSTED: Friday, November 12, 2010, 2:00 PM

Filed Under: Poetic License

Critical Mass welcomes devoted poet/avid concert-goer/nerd-grrrl extraordinaire Jane Cassady to the fold; her weekly horoscopes will run in this space every Friday morning. Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): Give up commercials for one week. Not TV, just commercials. Take time to feel like mopping might not be your destiny, that you might not need to have babies, that it isn't time yet to think about the holidays. Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): Make up your own holidays: Sleep For Twelve Hours Day! Last Autumn Leaves Day! Finally Scrubbed the Stove Day! Celebrate every little thing. Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): The most sensible person in my iPod (even more so than Ira Glass) is Jen "Flash" Andrews from Too Beautiful to Live. This week she emailed to tell me to dream bigger, since my wishes are already coming true. I made a magic-marker list of "Bigger Dreams," but I like the way that little dreams add up. Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Start making your holiday lists: What will you self-determine for Kujichagulia? When's too early to make Egg Nog Bread Pudding? Who can you shake from your card list? What light is worth the miracle oil? Who gets the wish bone? Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): In the '90s fish-out-of water comedy Northern Exposure, Dr. Joel Fleishman is forced to work in rural Alaska to pay off his medical school debt. For the first few episodes, he's so intent on escaping that he doesn't notice the gorgeous landscape around him. Aries (March 21-April 18): "The choice to bless the world is more than an act of will with intention to do good. It's an act of recognition, a grateful acknowledgment that in the midst of a broken world, unspeakable beauty, grace, and mystery abide."—Rebecca Parker Taurus (April 19-May 18): If you're dreaming about morning glories, it means you want to go to bed earlier, or that you're sad the only flowers left are mums, asters and roses, or that you regret having to walk through smelly ginkgo fruit. It's the late-fall blues, and it can only be fixed with soup. Gemini (May 19-June 21): As I think I mentioned before, my brother is graduating college soon. Let's all clap our hands and hope that he decides to move back to the East Coast from Iowa. Here's to reunited families, to sibling in-jokes, to packed U-Hauls. C'mon! Cancer (June 22-July 23): Make art about something that riles you up! Write all the venom out of your bones. Let your heart cut up its own ransom notes. They say that it's good for you, but I'm not sure. Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): It's National Novel Writing Month! If you're not busy writing your novel, try 30 days of something else: Try 30 new recipes, see if you're the next Julie Powell. Send 30 ill-advised emails. Try 30 new wines and start a wine diary. Or how about 30 new brooches for your collection? Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): The CD for Band of Horses album Infinite Arms comes with a lovely pictures designed to look like snapshots: the Milky Way over a cliffside, a rustic church, some magnificent clouds. All the more reason for the old-timey habit of buying physical music. Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): Arbitrary divisions between groups of human beings can suck it. I would love to learn to reach beyond my categories more, to remember we're all made of the same stuff.

Jane Cassady

Posted 2010-11-12 11:42:44

Addendum to Capricorn: I'm not sure Jen Andrews is "The most sensible person in my iPod" anymore...

Jane Cassady

Posted 2011-01-12 20:19:14

Of course she still is!

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POETIC LICENSE: Horoscopes, Nov. 5-11

POSTED: Friday, November 5, 2010, 2:00 PM

Filed Under: Poetic License

Critical Mass welcomes devoted poet/avid concert-goer/nerd-grrrl extraordinaire Jane Cassady to the fold; her weekly horoscopes will run in this space every Friday morning. The Drunk on Civility Edition: Starring Tim Gunn and the Rally to Restore Sanity Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): My wife and I went to the Rally to Restore Sanity last weekend and I found that being an exemplar of politeness (albeit a somewhat smug one) for the day was very spiritually rewarding. I still hate anyone with a "wag more, bark less" sticker on their car, though. Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): In his book Gunn's Golden Rules: Life's Little Lessons for Making it Work, Tim wonders if maybe it's "too tough to behave well under all the crazy circumstances life throws at you ... you wonder if you should become an advocate not for manners but for living in a cave with a boulder rolled in front of it." You can try that, but only this week. Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Some favorite rally signs: "Everyone here is CUTE!" "Plurals don't need apostrophes" and "Save Ferris." What would your sign have said? Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Veering off the civility theme for a moment — Gretchen?!!? Really?! I will continue to wear as many simultaneous patterns as possible just to continue supporting Mondo. You were ROBBED! Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): "Few activities are as delightful as learning new vocabulary." —Tim Gunn: A Guide to Quality, Taste and Style. Buy yourself a page-a-day calendar and a bottle of nice wine. Wake up loquacious and delighted. Aries (March 21-April 18): This morning a reader of mine breached etiquette by calling me up repeatedly and breathlessly to worry about something that I wrote on my blog. Dude! That's what comments are for! I said, "What are you, my father?" Then realized that my father would NEVER tell me what not to write. Thanks for being awesome, Dad! Taurus (April 19-May 18): Running out of steam? Tim Gunn says: "As long as we have Netflix, Turner Classic Movies, Amazon, YouTube and bookstores, there is no excuse ever to lack inspiration." Googling "Kittens Inspired By Kittens" is a nice place to start. (It never stops being funny.) Gemini (May 19-June 21): A loving message from Mavis Staples and Jeff Tweedy: "An open hand /and open heart/there's no need to be afraid. /Open up, this is a raid /I want to get it through to you: /you're not alone." Cancer (June 22-July 23): From the best band to see at a rally, The Roots: "Out on the streets /Where I grew up /First thing they teach us: /Not to give a fuck. /That type of thinking can't get you nowhere /Someone has to care." Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): Jon Stewart says that every-other-person merging is proof that we are inherently civil. Meditate on this at every entrance, exit and construction zone: You go and then I go, you go and then I go, you go and then I go ... Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): This week I achieved my dream of being mentioned on my favorite podcast, Too Beautiful to Live. It just goes to show that if you pick little, reasonable dreams, they can come true every day. Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): One more message from Tim Gunn. He says that when you hold a door open for someone, you are telling them you care enough about your fellow human beings not to want the door to hit them in the face.

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PHILLY LOVE NOTES: An ode to Spruce Street
Q&A with SHARI SOLANIS: "The goal isn't pornography"
ICE CUBE: In Memoriam: Joe Tartaglia
CONCERT REVIEW & PHOTOS: James Blake @ TLA 5/11
What we're trying to do this weekend
SEXY TIME Q&A: I've never had an orgasm during sex with a man — and I'm 30!
Coming soon to Philly: Two cockamamie movie promotion schemes
Q&A with Tony Goldwyn: "Life is gray, and relationships are, too"
CONCERT REVIEW: Primus (3D & quadraphonic sound) @ The Tower 10/17
ICEPACK ILLUSTRATED: The Archbishop meets the Geator, the Mayor goes suit shopping, Le Bec Fin fin.

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Featuring everything from event roundups to concert reviews and sex talk, City Paper's Critical Mass is a space for off-the-wall coverage of Philly's A&E scene.

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