Diana Palmieri recaps the final episode of Jersey Shore.
Last week’s episode chronicles the last few days that Italy has to endure the gang. Sammi, still on her non-brooding kick this season, enlists Ronnie to help Mike, who no one likes, “snap him out of it.” When they return home from a night at the discoteca, Ronnie corners him (in an unusually non-threatening manner) to pretty much stop acting like the douche he is.
At Pauly, Vinny, and Sammi’s last shift at Marco’s Pizzeria, they one up their history at the Shore Store by actually working. Pauly yells into the microphone and they talk about how much they'll miss the pizzeria. To mark their territory, Marco has everyone bring a piece of clothing to hang on the lines inside the shop. Snooki brings one of her extra leopard-print bras and Deena brings a thong she may or may not have washed. Ronnie voices the thoughts of every viewer watching when he says, “I didn’t even know Deena wore underwear.”
All everyone can do is talk about how they can’t wait to get back to Jersey. Why? They miss tanning beds and familiar drunken debauchery at Karma. The culture and the beauty of Italy is overwhelming, and they have to return to dirty beaches and shit-clogged toilets. Mike still tries to grab attention from the group and even calls his sister to let her know that he doesn’t think he’ll return to Jersey. I have to agree with Sitch’s sister when she tells him “that’s silly” because he will never find another way to make as much money sleeping and lounging in an array of Abercrombie sweatpants all day.
The last day in Italy, everyone decides that a change of pace is in order and they actually leave their house when the sun is up. JWOWW announces that the agenda is, “sight see, go hard, leave.” Of course after weeks of being in Florence, all they have gotten a chance to see are Snooki’s tears and Deena’s cooka. During the tour, everyone feigns mild interest. Even Snooki ponders about the cherubs in a Michelangelo painting. “So, it’s real? The babies with wings?”
After another night out, another Sunday night dinner and more bitching about Mike, the gang is out. “I'm fuckin’ pale,” Pauly says. “I gotta get to Jersey.”
HIGH Ron and Sam sneak in a smush session when the roommates are creepily sitting on the other side of the partition. Pauly remarks how they were only in there for five minutes after doing the daytime walk of shame. “No wonder Sam never smiles!”
LOW At the pizzeria, Snooki helps herself to a helping of fresh mozzarella from behind the counter. Marco tells her, “Hey! Don’t eat my balls.” Ew.
Diana Palmieri recaps last night's episode of the Jersey Shore.
After waiting patiently on the ledge all week for Jionni’s response to Snooki’s admission that she made an oopsie and actually had sex with Vinny, he tells her that he can’t get over it. Considering how the two are very much together in reality right now, he either forgave his little meatball or saw the obvious dollar signs when he looked into her eyes when she came home.
Meanwhile, Deena is focused on two things; day drinking and “doing sex” with Pauly. Pauly. “Why can’t me and Pauly do sex and be cool? I think I’m pretty,” she reasons. Since she only has control over one of those things happening, she and Snooki drink to pass the time before going out to the club. That night, Mike yells at a crowd of Italians chanting “shame,” but they may just be projecting what they feel being in the same room as the whole cast.
After everyone goes home for the night, the meatballs stay out until they are escorted away from a club after getting ice thrown at them. Undeterred, they head home and make a beeline for the hot tub in lieu of actually bathing. When the sun comes up, without ever having gone to bed, the two get decked out in their skankiest boardwalk attire for mimosas. When they return home to crash, everyone is preparing Sunday dinner, but Ronnie burned the burgers while barbecuing and set it on fire because it reminded him of Sam.
During dinner, everyone talks about how they are happy they are leaving Italy soon to return to Jersey. Why? The legitimate reasoning be that they miss tanning and Karma. Vinny starts acting like a little bitch when he lays claim, upon their return to Seaside, to the small bedroom for himself and Pauly because they have a “good thing in that room.” Is that good thing shower caddies and hair mousse? Regardless, everyone argues over sharing a room with Mike. He tells everyone not to worry, that he might not even go to Jersey.
HIGH Amidst everyone ganging up on Mike this week, he accidentally gets locked in Deena’s bathroom. “Leave him there,” Ron says. “He wants to act like shit, live in the toilet.”
LOW Before touching up his blow-out, Pauly cleaned the electric razor with Mike’s toothbrush, which was laying on the counter. He and Vinny then watched guiltlessly as Mike cleaned his molars minutes later. Gross, even by Shore standards.
Diana Palmieri recaps last night's episode of the Jersey Shore.
The episode begins with a wide-eyed Snooki stuffing her boobs back into her dress after a late-night skanky rendezvous with Vinny. Not even bothering with a shower (she knows it takes more than soap to wash away regret and bronzer), she wakes up JWOWW at the unholy hour of 7 a.m. to go out for mimosas and discuss her recent fuck-up.
Meanwhile, Sitch is in the kitchen stirring up a heaping pot of shit. He tells the roommates he called home to tell Jionni the dirty deets of Mike and Snooki’s hookup. Or something like that. All we really know is that Snooki loses her mind a la RonRon and hurls champagne and wine bottles at Mike. Ron looks on in shock as she thrashes like a violent zebra, but you know he’s just jealous because he could never get away with throwing crap at Sam. Bed frames are where he draws the line.
Then, the boys and girls go their separate ways for the remainder of the episode. The guys head to Sicily to meet Vinny’s extended family and the girls head to a winery in Tuscany for an excuse to drink before noon. The ladies — dressed for the Kentucky Derby — set in on a session about how wine is made. Snooki, however, wants to do less talking about wine and more drinking. The only thing she does want to discuss is Jionni. Continuing her run as the most rational botoxed person, she tells Nicole that “you can’t change it” and that Jionni will be humiliated and probably won’t forgive her. Snooki storms out like a drunk child.
When the boys return for their enlightening weekend of eating and kicking around a soccer ball, Snooki decides to call Jionni to admit she fooled around with Vinny. Shocker! But Jionni doesn’t think it's a deal-breaker. Later in the day, when Snooki realizes she actually had sex with Vinny, she calls to update Jionni once again. The cliffhanger is will he or won’t he care? I, for one, don’t.
HIGH The guys are talking about how much Snooki cares about Jionni, but Pauly doesn't agree. “I know," he says sarcastically. "It looked like she cared last night.”
LOW While out with JWOWW, Snooki buys a bottle that is the equivalent of her weight in Chianti. Five seconds later, she drops it on the cobblestone and the passersby make a plea for these idiots to leave their country.
Pop culture crit Diana Palmieri on last night's episode of Jersey Shore.
When the episode starts, Snooki, still in her skanky pink leopard dress from last week, declares that she’s depressed because Jionni left. She’s so upset that she can’t sleep, so she actually leaves the apartment for a day in Florence. She hightails it to the nearest bar, orders a beer most likely before noon, and starts dancing her troubles away on the non-existent dancefloor. In between burps, she exclaims, “This is the worst day of my life.”
Meanwhile, JWOWW tries to convince Jionni, who is about to board a train to Rome, to stay and talk to Snooki. When Snooki starts crying after speaking to her Mario Brother on the phone, JWOWW scolds her like the small child she is, “You’re not being Sam right now! Stop!” The best part of this exchange was how the camera zoomed in on Sam’s face when she rebuttled, “That isn’t me anymore!” which is kind of true. Snooki didn’t have to dodge futons being hurled her way.
Every week, Diana Palmieri breaks down last night's episode of Jersey Shore.
In last week’s cliffhanger of Driving Miss Deena, Snooki and Deena rammed their Fiat into a parked police car. After an anti-climactic three-minute montage of Team Meatball exiting an Italian jail, we learn that Snooki gets her license taken away. “Eh, shit happens,” she says.
Diana Palmieri recaps last night's episode of Jersey Shore.
Snooki is stressed out and needs to get away from the mundane — you know, the taxing, daily grind of life in Florence. Drinking, sleeping 14 hours a day, not running a brush through the skunk on the back of her head, and drunk dialing her boyfriend have proved to be so brutally draining that she needs a vacation from the current vacation she’s paid $100,000 grand an episode to be on.
“Holy Riccione!” Ron exclaims while packing his overnight necessities into a plastic bag, channeling white trash a’la Angelina. Nope, he’s not hurling verbal expletives at Sam while simultaneously throwing luggage at her, he’s just excited for the gang’s trip to the Italian coastal town. After schlepping themselves and their completely reasonable eight bags of luggage strapped to the roofs of the Fiats, they arrive and Pauly is the first to take in the scenery. “It looks like Seaside!”
Lately, all of their outings are conducted similarly to an awkward 6th grade dance, with the boys and girls going their separate ways. The guys decide to site-see, ending up enamored not by the Mediterranean water, but by the look-a-Mike they see at a restaurant, which just means they found a guy with a douchey haircut with the solar system buzzed on his scalp and sunglasses like The Situation’s. The girls, guided by Team Meatball, pay homage to Seaside by getting plastered before 5 p.m.
Watching the two try to control themselves in public and pretend to be civilized is like watching Bambi learn how to walk — if Bambi was a compulsive drinker who preferred not to wear underwear. In this train wreck portion of the episode, Deena literally dances her underpants off and flaunts her downstairs lady bits, Snooki runs into a bush for both every reason and none at all, the two eat dinner with food hanging out of their mouths, Deena again flashes her vagina at the club, they both take drunken stumbles, and finally make out on the way home.
“It smells like hot sweat and regret in here,” Vinny says, seeing the girls still sleeping. When Deena and Snooki wake up, they try to figure out how they ended up in bed together. After learning that they went at it for hours the night before, Snooki is anxious about telling Jionni about how she was a lesbian for a night. I imagine him shrugging his shoulders like the rest of America when he tells Snooki, “all right” and gives her a free pass for mauling Deena. With that phase most definitely not yet out of her system, Snooki and Deena decide to get back into a routine of going to the gym to balance out their excessive drinking. On their way, they hit a cop car, and there’s the episode arc for next week.
LOW A diversion from the lesbian-centric episode, Pauly expresses his anger/annoyance at Ronnie, who he believes is trying to steal his swag, otherwise known as his tendency to yell “Oh yeah!” after every phrase.
HIGH So, so many to choose from. Up there is JWOWW exclaiming, “This is like the cab ride home!” when Deena and Snooki have a harder time than usual forming a sentence before they even arrive at the club.
Pop culture critic Diana Palmieri wraps up the shenanigans from last night's episode of Jersey Shore. Have they broken Italy yet?
What is supposed to be 60 minutes of drunken debauchery mixed with some chuckle-worthy, although contrived, one-liners was actually an even shittier resurrection of The Hills, sans Lauren Conrad. After Ron wakes Sam up and restricts himself from smothering her to death with a pillow, the night of bitching begins.
First up, Mike confides in Ronnie that he’s still upset about his non-injury and wants to go home. Ronnie, wanting to fool everyone into believing that he doesn’t suck as much as we know he does, extends the sweaty olive branch by inviting Mike to the gym to get out of the house. Suddenly empowered by the thought of not laying in his dirty sex sheets another day, says he’s got “tingles” and I’m pretty sure he can find a cream for that in the farmacia.
Meanwhile, Snooki is on the phone fighting with Jionni, because he has the audacity (self-respect) to get angry at his girlfriend’s language, especially when she tells him she wants to “suck [his] ass.” Ron tries to dish out relationship advice because everyone knows what they say: He who can’t actually have a healthy relationship throws IKEA furniture at his girlfriend.
As nature intended, Ron and Sam then jump on the emotional pain train when they start fighting about everything and nothing having to do with their relationship. Vinny, acting like the kid caught in the middle of a messy divorce, tries to reason with the gruesome twosome that they can kill each other all they want, but pretty please don’t do it in front of the other roommates. They surprisingly agree, and the rest of the episode continues in the same fashion. No one thinks Ron and Sam should be together, Snooki is still mad at Mike, JWOWW and Ron think that Snooki needs to break up with Jionni, and Deena tells an Italian boy that she thinks it is weird that his sister gave him a hickey.
HIGH During the mandatory mid-episode filler, Pauly and Vinny dress up as their guido alter-egos, Louie and Tony. The boys said that dressed up they look the part, but Deena, just like the rest of America, is inclined to think otherwise. “That’s not a costume,” she says. “That’s their normal clothes."
LOW I’m sick of seeing the gang haul around their tacky and bedazzled suitcases whenever they go to the lavanderia. The entire city of Florence probably experiences such a quick high to low when they realize that the luggage doesn’t mean the cast is peacing out of the city sooner than they had hoped; they’re just doing laundry.
Pop-culture critic Diana Palmieri raps about last night's episode of Jersey Shore.
This episode was surrounded by the same hype as Snooki’s season-one punch heard around the world. I was expecting (and maybe looking forward) to seeing Ronnie go ape-shit on The Situation, letting out years of pent up frustration and Xenadrine side effects on him. Instead, the only thing that takes a blow is Italian craftsmanship when Sitch headbutts a concrete wall, sufficiently knocking himself out. After he gets in the ambulance Ron and Sam disrespect the Smush Room by bringing their emotional trash in there. Sam once again proclaims that she’s “done” with Ronnie after learning that he’s done the unforgivable: he talked to a girl in Long Island.
After their chat, Ronnie proclaims that he's already lost himself in Italy and wants to go home. He is upset and needs to get away from Sam, saying “you can’t help the one you love,” which is true because you also can’t help who you consistently throw furniture at. Vinny encourages him to stay by spouting inspirational self-help book jargin about there being light at the end of the tunnel — which he realizes is true considering the "light" comes in the form of $100,000 an episode.
Bubbly Pop culture critic Diana Palmieri on last night's episode of the Jersey Shore.
This episode started with the “lesbionic” mumblings from last week. After the Double Mint Sluts leave, the guys and girls gab about Deena’s bi-curious rendezvous and the whole Mike and Snooki ordeal. After a tense Sunday dinner, a sour Vinny gets Pauly to help him move Deena’s bed out of their room. Pauly is uncharacteristically douchey as he tells Deena she isn’t the same girl she was in Jersey. Deena starts crying and says she had changed. And it wasn’t because of the fame, money or shitty hair extensions. She had a Dr. Phil breakthrough and said she feels alone in Italy, and therefore drinks. The alcohol is what causes her to “do silly things” like pee in public and hook up with girls. Just like any after-school special, they all hug it out and go out later that night to do more “silly things.”
The next day is the first day of work for Deena, Snooki, and Pauly. On the way to the pizzeria, the group predictably gets lost as they pretend to fumble with a map. Deena says she has a good sense of direction, even when she’s drunk, which is true, because her ass never fails to find the floor. Once they’re at work, Pauly is handed a megaphone and repeats his catch phrases while sticking the word “pizza” in at appropriate times. The girls just eat raw dough and smuggle wine in the bathroom.
Diana Palmieri with dish on last night's episode of Jersey Shore.
This episode begins as Mike bids farewell to the American study-abroad student (her parents must be thrilled with all she’s learning in Italy!) he’s been hooking up with by saying, “Okay, get out.” After kamikaze pigeons startle him from his nap on the terrace, we’re treated to a Snooki and Ronnie montage. The two are pals, bonding over their love for working out with creepy Italian men and their inability to read a map. Ron is apparently sucking so badly at navigating the roads of Florence that Snooki tells him she wants to punch him. “I’m gonna punch myself,” he tells her. Personally, I’d really like to see that happen.
Deena is apparently the Snooki circa-season one in Florence, looking for love and whining to anyone who will listen. She’s thrilled when she meets an Italian waiter who “actually speaks well English.” She meets him out later that night at the bar, where Sammi tries to drunkenly fondle Ronnie again. Mike’s American girl, Brittany, shows up and she’s not alone. She’s got a twin! Mike is thrilled to meet Erica, the second of the Double Mint Sluts, and he plots a threesome.
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