TV

PORTLANDIA: The dream of the '90s is alive!

POSTED: Thursday, February 17, 2011, 6:00 PM

Filed Under: Critical Mass | TV

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Fred Armisen and Sleater Kinney co-frontwoman Carrie Brownstein's situational sketch comedy show is so much more than a bunch of post-Jeff Foxworthy "You might be a hipster if..." jokes strung together. Although, if that's all it were, it would still be funny because, after all, our culture is certainly prime for a little good-natured joshing towards the dominant personality continuum of the '10s. The success of Stuff White People Like has certainly shown us that the average 28-year-old white Obama voter is a stereotype rife with intricately consistent patterns. And since they have more momentum and unity than ever, it's time to tap in for some satire. But Portlandia is more than all that, and works as great sketch comedy even if you've been living on a military base in the Middle East for the last decade or have never seen a Life is Good sticker, craft brew-pub or ultimate frisbee. The characters deal with such absurdly exaggerated pre-occupations that the humor exists in two realms at once: the satire realm and the absurdist realm (note: I've never been to Portland, but I pray to the goddesses that this is the case).

Jason Sudeikis guest stars in a sketch

Playing an array of characters from themselves to adult hide-and-seek league players, Armisen and Brownstein traverse the bicycle-flush landscape of vegan-friendly music-snobbery. They both play members of the opposite sex during the show sometimes simultaneously, which is ridiculous enough to be enjoyable despite the harsh fact that they both make brutal transvestites. They take trips such as getting up from a restaurant to visit the nearby free-range farm of the chicken they're considering eating for dinner, as well as searching for Porlandia's mayor who they find playing bass with a roots-reggae band. Produced by Lorne Michaels and directed by SNL digital short-maker Jonathan Krisel (who also directed the seminal [Philly-bred] adult swim shows Tom Goes to the Mayor and Tim & Eric Awesome Show), Portlandia utilizes trippy editing to bolster its comic rhythm and create absurdist atmospheres. Frequent guest appearances are made by Kyle MacLachlan and Funny People/Parks & Rec darling Aubrey Plaza. I was happy to find that Brownstein really backs up her indie-cred with outstanding sketch acting, including but not limited to superb comic timing and a bevy of nuanced faces from deadpan to bitchy to seemingly all-encapsulating feminism. Portlandia should be poised to be a flagship show for IFC. It airs Fridays at 10:30 p.m., but if you don't have the Independent Film Channel (guilty!), do what I did and check it out free on Comcast On Demand. In the meantime, lets get you started with a sketch...

Posted by Ryan Carey @ 6:00 PM Permalink | Post a comment

REVIEW: The Grammys were actually pretty good

POSTED: Monday, February 14, 2011, 4:00 PM

Filed Under: Critical Mass | TV

For this year's Grammys, many newbies stepped it up a notch musically, with a few icons making ho-hum appearances. The night opened with an Aretha Franklin tribute. I'm not sure what's so special about Aretha this year — and if it's because she's ill, shouldn't we wait until she's gone? For the tribute, Christina Aguilera, Yolanda Adams, Martina McBride, Florence Welch, and Jennifer Hudson predictably sang classic Aretha, with Christina topping them all and Yolanda Adams a close second with that "Sisters" finish. Aguilera has an incredible voice; can she put out a good album sometime soon?

Train won the much-deserved Best Pop Duo or Group. "Soul Sister" never gets old, even though it got so much play. Ricky Martin looked so fine introducing Lady GaGa. She looked gorgeous, and her voice was on point, but she's certainly done better than hatching from an egg. "Born This Way" is more appealing for its lyrics than anything else. Make our souls groove, Lady G, instead of eerily reminding us of "Express Yourself." Best Rock Album went to Muse, who I like so much that I didn't vomit when Matthew Bellamy referred to his beautiful girlfriend, Kate Hudson. Lady GaGa got her dues (I hate to be all Kanye, but Taylor Swift totally stole her awards last year), winning Best Pop Album for Fame Monster. She seemed unusually grateful considering how fantastic that album is, and thanked Whitney Houston of all people, but I guess it's cool to stay down to earth. When I heard Bob Dylan was performing, I thought, "Holy shit!" But his voice was hoarse and I didn't really get anything from the lyrics. Mumford and Sons and The Avett Brothers were surprisingly good, when I expected head-numbing guitar riffs. Bringing back the icons isn't always a good idea. Bully for Julie Andrews and Dolly Parton for winning Life Achievement awards. Lady Antebellum was a peach with their performance of "Need You Now," which won Best Country Album. Cee Lo's rendition of "Fuck/Fuhget You" was adorable. Finally, someone brought some fun and energy to this show. He was decked out in armor, bejeweled skull cap, and toucan feathers. The Muppets and Gwyneth Paltrow were amazing — up to that point, the best performance of the night. Katy Perry was colorful and cute as always with "Teenage Dream."

Rihanna and Eminem brought the house down. The new lyrics by both were rich, Rihanna was incredible, and Eminem showed he's at the top of his game again. Dr. Dre wasn't bad, and it was cute that he was dressed like Run DMC. Skylar Grey, who co-wrote "Love The Way You Lie," was a pleasant surprise as an accompaniment, and should be making waves soon. Esperanza Spalding won Best New Artist even though she hasn't had that much exposure, and her acceptance speech was the most polished of anyone's that night. Her Wikipedia page has unfortunately been attacked by the Bieber army for beating him, but hey, they are all in middle school. Rihanna and Drake didn't pull any stops, RiRi gyrating in a tight outfit with bonfire blazing in the background. Drake danced with her for a few seconds, and then went away...for some reason. John Mayer, Norah Jones, and Keith Urban did a soulful and folksy tribute to Dolly Parton. Barbara Streisand was as great as you'd expect, a voice of an angel complete with orchestra. You'd have to be a fan to get excited about it, though. Mick Jagger brought a smile to my face with his enthusiasm, "I'm so glad to be here tonight, so glad to be in your wonderful citaay." If you're a fan, you loved it. If you're not, you weren't bored. Musical commune Arcade Fire performed "Ready To Start" right after winning Album of the Year, and the crowd was going wild. It was very Beatles-esque, and I loved the close-up of their Grammy on the stage. There's something pure about their love for music and choir-like numbers.

Posted by Bianca Brown @ 4:00 PM Permalink | Post a comment

SHORE TRASH: "Now that's a breakup right there!"

POSTED: Friday, February 11, 2011, 6:00 PM

Filed Under: TV Shore Trash

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Humanity has proven itself able to withstand adversity in even the most unlikely of times. We made it through the Bubonic Plague, survived the Y2K scare and I'm sure we'll figure out the whole global warming thing any day now. But what's the one thing encompassing the power to doom us all, with no hope in sight?: witnessing one more second of Ronnie and Sammi's hot mess of a relationship. "Just break the fuck up," Mike advised the gruesome twosome, taking the through right out of my head, and I'm sure any other person watching the show with a propensity for having a pulse. Seriously, I just don't get it. Watching these two is like watching someone place their hand on a stovetop burner and then doing it again, and again, and again. When the previous episode ended, I thought they were finished. The start of last night's train wreck had them kind of together and I braced myself for the chaos that was about to ensue as they argued and broke up ... again.

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The first "Really?" moment occurred when Deena advised Sammi to cheer up, which obviously meant they were going to day drink on the boardwalk. Pauly, seemingly a volunteer for a Big Brother program, tells Ronnie he needs to get his mind off the fight, and takes him on roller coasters and rides. Sammi slurs as she sees them together from her perch on a barstool, apparently mistaking Pauly for a masculine-looking female with a blowout. A second later, she bitched to Deena that Ronnie was with a girl, and decided to talk to guys at the bar. Yeah, Sammi, that'll show him. After Ronnie belittles Sammi and reams her out, he is like a shark smelling blood in the water, waiting to attack his next prey. When he overhears Mike and Sammi discussing the merry-go-round from hell that is Sammi and Ronnie's relationship, it naturally pisses him off. He confronts a more perplexed than usual looking Mike, spouts some poetic about disobeying guy code and brings up conversations about Miami. Mike, who has either matured lately or was just thrown off of his high horse, swallows his pride and actually apologizes to Ronnie just to shut him up. They man hug, and all is right with the world. I guess fighting is contagious. Round two starts as the girls decide to go out and the boys want to hit the club to encourage Ronnie to rear his sloppy face again. As they were getting ready, Sammi pathetically asks Ronnie what he will do if a girl comes up to him at the club. Ding, ding, ding. Ronnie, a protein drinking bat out of hell, grows furious and tells her he wants her to leave. He starts throwing her things out of the closet and even tries to move her bed out of the room while she's on it. The boys, hearing the commotion, go upstairs to save the day. Pauly, who has to stop his task at hand, is not a happy camper. "They're talking about relationships? My sneakers are dirty!" Sammi tells Ronnie he's not worth the tears she's crying as Niagara Falls continues to stream down her face.. As the boys, looking like children caught between a divorce, try to separate the two, Ronnie and Sammi are yelling, but you'd be hard pressed to actually know what they're saying because there's so much bleeping. The boys leave and Snooki encourages a distraught Sammi to get ready so they can have a girl's night. "We should put you in something hot," she advises. When the girls leave, I thought, great, they'll both slut it up respectively and get over each other. That probably would have happened if they all didn't go to the same club. Once they go out, Sammi announces she's single and wants to dance with a hot guy. Ronnie, of course, sees Sammi dancing with a guy, grows even more pissed off, goes home and trashes her things. He throws her mattress on the porch, reasoning, "You want to be a dog? Sleep outside like a dog." Mike surveying the damage, announces, "Now that's a breakup right there."

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When Sammi returns home devastated by the mess, she drunkenly brings her busted glasses to Ronnie and asks him why he did that. Ronnie, of course, has awesome reasoning. He explains that Sammi disrespected him by dancing with another guy in front of her face, but when he was in Miami grinding with girls and three-way kissing grenades, he at least respected her enough to go behind her back. Bull. Shit. Sammi cries, Ronnie locks himself in the bathroom and cries before deciding to leave. As Sammi covertly packs and tells the roommates she's leaving. And Vinny breaks the news to Ronnie by telling him, "It has something to do with packing and rhymes with 'weaving.'" Ronnie grows a conscience and tries to talk with Sammi, but she has grown some dignity and refuses to sit and hash it out with him. They cry again and she tells him she has to go. Before she leaves, Ronnie sincerely says the most ridiculously loaded thing he's ever said on the show: "What did I do?" I commend Sammi for not whipping out the laundry list I'm sure she's got in her back pocket. But I'll do it for her: He has called her every derogatory word a female could be called, constantly verbally abused her, lied to her, and cheated on her (with grenades, mind you). Oh, and ruined all her shit. No big deal. Yeah, Sammi, what did Ronnie do? Maybe she thought about it on the cab ride home. HIGH: Mike, having found the moral compass he always seems to misplace, comments on Ronnie's channeling of The Hulk and messing with Sammi's belongings: "Ronnie is pissed at me about guy code. What happened to general human code?" LOW (Besides every aspect of the episode that revolved around Ronnie and Sammi): JWOWW seduces Roger with her slutty garb while Deena and Snooki are in the room. As the two climb the stairs to go to the Smoosh Room, Snooki asks, "Can I watch?" And gets shut down. Poor Snooks.

Posted by Diana Palmieri @ 6:00 PM Permalink | Post a comment

COUCH POTATO: S, S, S and M, M, M ...

POSTED: Monday, February 7, 2011, 5:00 PM

Filed Under: Critical Mass | TV Couch Potato

Rihanna's new music video rivals Lady GaGa for overt sexuality and eye-grabbing costumes (That polka dot dress is to die for). It's uniquely RiRi though, who's softer and more playful with an urban flair. And, oh boy, do we love the kink. Anyone who expresses offense is decidedly lame and unsexy, and should probably stick to board games. S&M is reportedly banned on YouTube in 11 countries (mostly southeast Asia). But it's far more pleasing to the eye than the crotch. The pastel latex, Perez Hilton on a leash, pink popcorn, and bondage are all more fun and cute than raunchy. The song lyrics are pretty clever and so racy that BBC Radio 1 won't play it before 7 p.m. This is odd since there aren't any expletives or explicit sex acts in them. Was it the "Sticks and stones may break my bones/but chains and whips excite me" part? What happened to being afraid your kid would join a gang? If he or she is sophisticated enough to understand innuendo, it's time to curb your censorship and have that talk. Either that, or play Kidz Bop and leave the rest of us alone.

Posted by Bianca Brown @ 5:00 PM Permalink | Post a comment

SHORE TRASH: Ronnie takes a trip to the ER

POSTED: Friday, February 4, 2011, 9:00 PM

mtv.com

Oh ... gross

Any worries that there would be little to tune in for now that the roommates have signed a tentative peace treaty the week before diminished after the first segment of Jersey Shore last night. The episode, in a nutshell, opened with Snooki drunkenly passing out in the pen where JWOWW's dogs call home, Ronnie throwing up in a shopping bag with a nauseas Sammi by his side, and Mike trying to get into a situation with the girl he brought home about four feet away. The next day didn't bode so well for Ronnie.

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"Why is Ronnie bleeding out of his ass?" Sammi questioned. They went to the doctor to find out, and after Ronnie was felt up with a man with a rubber glove, Sammi's question wasn't really answered. I guess, from drinking too much? At impulse, I felt the same fear I experienced after Snooki got arrested and said she would no longer be drinking, when Ronnie said he was going to calm down on the alcohol. I paused and collected myself, and remembered that half the fun is watching them fall off the wagon. Later that night, the roommates went out, and Snooki met a guy whose name I can't recall, and it's safe to say neither did she. Forgetting her Irish gentleman caller from last week, Snooki liked this new guy so much that she decided to practically eat his face on the dance floor. Deciding he was worthy of a trip to the guest room in the house, she brought him home, but unfortunately had to abort the situation because of her period. Lucky for Deena, she didn't have the same problem. Deena, who proves herself fond of the occasional alliteration (Dean, better known as the Ronnie look-a-like, anyone?) goes after Dario, Ronnie's friend from home. Deena brought Dario back to the house and claimed she only planned on snuggling. "It's not Halloween," she argued. "I don't hand out candy for free." Halloween evidently rolled around later that night as Deena, dressed as a Hot Mess, showered Dario with Snickers and gummy bears. The next morning, Dario left, leaving Deena with only the memory and the scent of Axe and hair gel left on her sheets. As her tryst came to a close, Snooki's whirlwind romance began. She spent the day with her new gorilla, so enamored in him that she didn't even bother to change out of the leopard dress she wore the night before. They spent the afternoon together worthy of a Nora Roberts novel, complete with Snooki tricking her new beau into swinging on the stripper pole that collapsed under his weight (point for Snooki). When the two ventured outside, they mauled each other in public and Snooki made some startling discoveries. The first was innocent enough, as she realized that her new guido had a tongue ring. How had she missed that the night before? The second was the deal breaker. He was sorta, kinda, engaged. Or at least was. The relationship nearly lasted as long as Snooki's hangover, as she ditched him.

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I was waiting all episode for it, but I knew the catalyst to another looming Ronnie and Sammi fight was approaching when Ronnie asked Sammi to clean out the fridge. Nothing good ever comes of the boys asking the girls to lift an acrylic fingernail in the kitchen. Of course, she didn't do it, although she had a good excuse. She went on a girl outing to the local sex shop so that JWOWW could dress up as a leather wearing dominatrix and Snooki could dress up as Babe Ruth. "I look like a hot drunk baseball player right now and I'm loving it," she said of her red and white uniform, complete with knee highs and obligatory cap that read 'HUSTLER.' She didn't so much look like an intoxicated baseball player, mostly just herself in a uniform, considering she was probably still drunk from the night before. When the boys came home with supplements for dinner, they were outraged to be welcomed by a dirty kitchen, although you know they had to have been expecting it. Ronnie took on the task he had asked of Sammi, being sure to bitch the entire time, "What don't I do for Sam besides wipe her ass and breathe for her?" He reamed on her when she and the girls returned home, resulting in one of the most awkward dinner of penne alla vodka I'd ever seen. Tension continued to mount between the two as the roommates carried on. Mike slept in the next morning as JWOWW and Snooki headed to work at the T-shirt shop two hours late. "I just don't like work because I don't like working," she reasoned. Can't argue with that. When they returned home, the episode continued as most do, with the obligatory Ronnie and Sammi fight. As the yelling and groaning of Ronnie and sound of kittens dying that is Sammi's unpleasant voice reverberates through the house, the group collectively rolls their eyes. Vinny, who has either been fed one-liners into an ear piece lately or has just been that clever, assesses, "Hell has to be just like this."

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Undeterred, the boys announced T-Shirt time, and hit the club with Deena. Pauly was met with his stalker, Danielle, from season one, who followed him on the boardwalk, even gifting him with a homemade 'I Heart Jewish Girls" t-shirt. Complete with the star of David, which, she had boasted, she made herself. Making peace with the girl that had thrown a drink in his face just days prior, Pauly invited her back to the house, where the guys mercilessly teased and taunted her until she left. While World War III continued to play out upstairs, as Sammi forced Ronnie to talk to her as he was trying to sleep. He groaned into his pillow, told her that they were done, and tried to get back into his REM cycle. Still, she continued to poke the steroid induced bear with a stick, and pleaded that he look her in the face if he was going to break up with her, which he did about four times, resulting in Sammi once again asking for closure and crying. I am not a supporter of any type of domestic violence, but I was so rooting for Ronnie to Snooki-punch Sammi in the face. And I'm pretty sure no one else would have blamed him if he had. HIGH Snooki's educated assessment of the Atlantic Ocean: "I hate the ocean, it's all whale sperm. That's why the water is salty." LOW The Situation attempting to lift up the front of a girl's skirt, as she danced on the platform above him, only to have his hand slapped away. Grimey.

Posted by Diana Palmieri @ 9:00 PM Permalink | Post a comment

SHORE TRASH: Ronnie takes a trip to the ER

POSTED: Friday, February 4, 2011, 8:00 PM

Filed Under: Critical Mass Shore Trash

mtv.com

Barf ...

If you were worried there'd be no reason to tune in to Jersey Shore now that the roommates have signed a tentative peace treaty, those fears should've been diminished after the first segment last night. The episode, in a nutshell, opened with Snooki drunkenly passing out in JWOWW's dog pen, Ronnie throwing up in a shopping bag with a nauseated Sammi by his side, and Mike trying to get into a situation with the girl he brought home. The next day didn't bode so well for Ronnie ... "Why is Ronnie bleeding out of his ass?" Sammi questioned. They went to the doctor to find out, and after Ronnie was felt up by a man with a rubber glove, Sammi's question wasn't really answered. Maybe it was from drinking too much? At impulse, I felt the same panic I experienced when Snooki professed sobriety, when Ronnie said he was going to calm down on the alcohol. I paused and collected myself, and remembered that half the fun is watching them fall off the wagon.

mtv.com

Later that night, the roommates went out. Snooki met a guy whose name I can't recall, and it's safe to say neither did she. Forgetting her Irish gentleman caller from last week, Snooki liked this new guy so much that she decided to practically eat his face on the dance floor. Deciding he was worthy of a trip to the guest room in the house, she brought him home, but unfortunately had to abort the situation because of her period. Lucky for Deena, she didn't have the same problem. She, who proves herself fond of the occasional alliteration (Dean, better known as the Ronnie look-a-like, anyone?) goes after Dario, Ronnie's friend from home. Deena brought Dario back to the house and claimed she only planned on snuggling. "It's not Halloween," she argued. "I don't hand out candy for free." Halloween evidently rolled around later that night as Deena, dressed as a Hot Mess, showered Dario with Snickers and gummy bears. The next morning, Dario left, leaving Deena with only the memory and the scent of Axe and hair gel left on her sheets. As her tryst came to a close, Snooki's whirlwind romance began. She spent the day with her new gorilla, so enamored by him that she didn't even bother changing out of the leopard dress she wore the night before. They spent an afternoon together worthy of a Nora Roberts novel, complete with Snooki tricking her new beau into swinging on the stripper pole that collapsed under his weight (point for Snooki). When the two ventured outside, they mauled each other in public, at which point Snooki made some startling discoveries. The first was innocent enough — she realized her new guido had a tongue ring. How had she missed that the night before? The second was the deal breaker. He was sorta, kinda, engaged. Or at least was enganged. The relationship nearly lasted as long as Snooki's hangover.

mtv.com

I was waiting all episode for it, but I knew the catalyst to another looming Ronnie and Sammi fight was approaching when Ronnie asked Sammi to clean out the fridge. Nothing good ever comes of the boys asking the girls to lift an acrylic fingernail in the kitchen. Of course, she didn't do it, although she had a good excuse. She went on a girl outing to the local sex shop so that JWOWW could dress up as a leather wearing dominatrix and Snooki could dress up as Babe Ruth. "I look like a hot drunk baseball player right now and I'm loving it," she said of her red and white uniform, complete with knee highs and obligatory cap that read 'HUSTLER.' She didn't so much look like an intoxicated baseball player, mostly just herself in a uniform, considering she was probably still drunk from the night before. When the boys came home with supplements for dinner, they were outraged to be welcomed by a dirty kitchen, although you know they were expecting it. Ronnie started to clean, but he was bitching the whole time. "What don't I do for Sam besides wipe her ass and breathe for her?" He reamed on her when she and the girls returned home, resulting in one of the most awkward dinners of penne alla vodka I'd ever seen. Tension continued to mount between the two as the roommates carried on. Mike slept in the next morning as JWOWW and Snooki headed to work at the T-shirt shop two hours late. "I just don't like work because I don't like working," she reasoned. Can't argue with that. When they returned home, the episode continued as most do, with a Ronnie and Sammi fight. Vinny, who has either been fed one-liners into an ear piece lately or has just been that clever, assesses, "Hell has to be just like this."

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Undeterred, the boys announced T-Shirt time, and hit the club with Deena. Pauly ran into his stalker Danielle from season one. She followed him on the boardwalk, even gifting him with a homemade 'I Heart Jewish Girls" t-shirt — complete with the star of David that she crafted herself. Making peace with the girl that had thrown a drink in his face just days prior, Pauly invited her back to the house, where the guys mercilessly teased and taunted her until she left. Meanwhile, upstairs Sammi forced Ronnie to talk to her even though he was trying to sleep. He groaned into his pillow, told her that they were done, and tried to get back into his REM cycle. Still, she continued to poke the steroid induced bear with a stick, and pleaded that he look her in the face if he was going to break up with her, which he did about four times, resulting in Sammi once again asking for closure and crying. I am not a supporter of any type of domestic violence, but I was so rooting for Ronnie to Snooki-punch Sammi in the face. And I'm pretty sure no one else would have blamed him if he had. HIGH: Snooki's educated assessment of the Atlantic Ocean: "I hate the ocean, it's all whale sperm. That's why the water is salty." LOW: The Situation attempting to lift up the front of a girl's skirt, as she danced on the platform above him, only to have his hand slapped away. Grimey.

Posted by Diana Palmieri @ 8:00 PM Permalink | Post a comment

REVIEW: SNL with Jesse Eisenberg and Nicki Minaj

POSTED: Tuesday, February 1, 2011, 4:00 PM

Filed Under: Critical Mass | TV

This weekend host Jesse Eisenberg (Social Network) opened Saturday Night Live with a cheesy "oh, this is so awkward" cameo by Mark Zuckerberg. This is what ensued:

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- Kristen Wiig did a spot on impression of Michele Bachmann, complete with charts that were totally off camera. They were a nice touch, considering the jokes about her lack of eye contact have been kind of played out. - I love SNL's flashback/retro bits. They recently parodied Back to the Future and It's A Wonderful Life. This week they mimicked Mr. Wizard's World (below), an old-school science show, with horny teens and sexytime with balloons. - John Waters' cameo at the beginning and end of this week's Digital Short was exciting, and Nicki Minaj doing "the creep" might make it a legitimate dance move. - Weekend Update's highlight was Keenan Thompson's Tyler Perry, awash with cash and citing movies with "white people-problems," like "Adventureland, featuring a young man who is sad because he has a job." - I saw the beginning of the amazing "Bride of Blackenstein," and knew it would be Nicki Minaj playing the title role. She couldn't have been better, shaking her big ol' booty around everywhere. It was nice seeing an SNL skit played by a mostly all-black cast for a change.

nathkatun7

Posted 2011-02-02 00:14:33

The University that awarded Congresswoman Bachmann a law degree should be ashamed (Please don't tell me it was Oral Roberts University). If the founding fathers (I suppose she included the Southern founding fathers who owned slaves) worked tirelessly to abolish slavery how come the country fought a civil war over slavery? Did the law school that granted Bachmann a law degree fail to teach, or even mention, the 1857 Supreme Court's Dred Scott decision? If everyone who came to America was welcomed as equal, regardless of race, then why was it necessary to pass three Constitutional Amendments: the Thirteenth, Fourteenth, and Fifteenth? Did Rep. Bachmann learn any thing about the Jim Crow period that ushered in legal segregation of the races in the Southern States? Is it possible that the college and the law school she attended omitted any mention of the Supreme Court's "Plessy v. Ferguson" decision? I have a sneaking suspicion that, Rep. Bachmann, a college educated and a lawyer, is not that ignorant. Rather, she seems determined to re-write history to conform with teabaggers' claims that their mission is to restore the ideals of the pure and blameless founding fathers.

Who is dumber?; Michelle for saying the Founding Fathers eliminated slavery, or Sarah for saying that the Soviet Union collapsed because of Sputnik.  What do you think?

Posted by Bianca Brown @ 4:00 PM Permalink | Post a comment

SHORE TRASH: "Grenade Whistle!"

POSTED: Friday, January 28, 2011, 6:00 PM

Filed Under: TV Shore Trash

mtv.com

Sound the trumpet if he's talkin' to a muppet!

Each Friday, Diana Palmieri breaks down the shenanigans happening on the newest season of Jersey Shore. Since the beginning of time, man has made momentous discoveries that have shaped the foundation of society. First, there came the knowledge that extreme heat and friction could result in fire, then the invention of the wheel was followed that whole electricity thing that started to catch on. However, today there is a device that may very well surpass all that has come before it. Now, there is the Grenade Whistle. If you were unsure about how to inform your friend that he wasn't chasing after a pretty girl at the club, but instead mingling with the likes of a "grenade," Pauly has introduced a way to warn your wingman. Do you covertly pull him aside and let him know that someone he thought looked like Scarlett Johansson actually resembled Courtney Love? Send him a quick text? Morse code? Carrier pigeon? No, you blow the Grenade Whistle, an obnoxiously large red horn that was won on the boardwalk. Then, as Pauly smoothly demonstrated, you must also shout "Grenade Whistle!" after said whistle is blown. You know, just to make sure you get the point across.

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My horror (well, mostly delight) over the debut of the Grenade Whistle was short-lived. Other lighter moments, like Snooki and Vinny's purchase of a stripper pole for the house (which I'm really surprised took until season three to be bought), failed to take center stage in the last episode. To my chagrin, the majority of the excitement featured Ronnie and Sammi, arguably the poster couple for relationship dysfunction at its finest. When I saw another fight between them ensue, I debated flipping the channel. But I'm so glad I resisted the urge. Otherwise, I would have missed one of the most epic fights in Jersey Shore history. It all started — as most conflicts do — at the club. Drinks were flowing and fists were pumping as the night started out drama-free. Then, Ronnie made the mistake of talking to a girl he knew. A girl with a boyfriend. A girl that just had a baby. Sammi, outraged at Ronnie's audacity to engage in conversation with another woman, drunkenly let him know. I felt sorry for Ronnie as he argued his case, because this was a rare moment in which he actually wasn't indulging in his normal douche-like behavior. He explained to Sammi that the girl just had a baby, and that she could even show Sammi her c-section scar to prove it. Who could argue with that? More trash after the jump ... When the roommates returned to the house, the two got into it again in their bedroom, ranting and raving about everything pertaining to nothing. When Sammi left the room to get some drunk munchies, Ronnie used the opportunity to take all of Sammi's belongings out of her closet and toss them on the floor. When she returned, he told her that she should pack and leave. Unbeknownst to Ronnie, Sammi had left to bring Ronnie back a peace offering that wasn't to his liking, and only outraged him more. "Not even a protein shake," he argued. "She brings me pizza." Mike, who has been laying frustratingly low so far in the season, enters the room that he unfortunately was forced to share with Ronnie and Sammi. He surveys the situation and tells Sam, "He just kicked you out of your room," and walks away. Sammi, just having put the pieces fully together, is outraged again. The two yell, Ronnie breaks out into laughter, the two break-up (again), and Ronnie cries. He cries all the way downstairs.

mtv.com

All that follows next is a blur: Sammi calls her mother to pick her up from the shore house and then retreats to cry in her bed. When all had appeared to die down, an undeterred Mike asks Sammi for a condom. She says he should ask Ronnie. Mike, either stupidly or brilliantly, tells Sammi that Ronnie is busy talking to JWOWW. A fire is sparked in Sammi, as she looks over the balcony to see her former (eh, debatable) boyfriend swapping words with her nemesis. So she rationally reacted like any woman would: she punched him in the face. More surprising than Sammi's instant channeling of Sugar Ray Leonard was what occurred afterward. All of the roommates, besides Ronnie and JWOWW, were consoling Sammi, letting her know that they did not want her to leave the house. What the hell? Why wouldn't they want her to leave and let the door hit her ass on the way out? I couldn't figure out why these people — who had voiced their disgust for this boyfriend-dependant drama queen — would sway her into staying. In her defense, Snooki was most likely inebriated and thought some type of game was being played, but everyone else appeared fairly coherent. Vinny, having a brief Dr. Phil moment, assured Sammi, "You need sucky things in life to make you stronger." If that's true, everyone in the house would need to be pretty tough to withstand the Telenovela that is Sammi and Ronnie's relationship. Just as I could picture Sammi leaving Seaside for good, resulting in the heavens opening with a plethora of gumdrops falling from the sky, something horrible happened. Ronnie and Sammi made up. Of course. Isn't that how the story usually goes? Boy loves girl, girl loves boy, boy emotionally abuses girl, girl punches boy in the face, and the world fails to tilt off its axis. When Sammi sobered up and called her mother to let her know that she would be staying and, oh, also punched Ronnie, Sammi's mother consoled her daughter, telling her to move forward. After all, she argued, that was the lowest things could possibly get. Well, I'm pretty sure that's not true. I don't know if I should loathe Sammi and Ronnie or myself, since I know I'll be tuning in to watch the car crash again next week.

Stephen Bugianesi

Posted 2011-02-04 08:20:58

dicks! jersey shore is the best show ever, you just wrote its trash cuz your a grenade!

Josh Middleton

Posted 2011-02-04 10:12:28

We wouldn't review it if we didn't love it at least a little ...

DethMouse

Posted 2011-02-04 19:48:24

PFFT! You'se cabbage! You'se nothing more than MUFF CABBAGE!

MUFF CABBAGE!!!!!

Robert

Posted 2011-02-10 11:19:22

Love the Grenade Whistle!

Check out the Jersey Shore Grenade Whistle app for your iPhone!

http://www.grenadewhistleapp.com

Posted by Diana Palmieri @ 6:00 PM Permalink | Post a comment

MAN CAVE: Too much TV and foosball

POSTED: Monday, January 24, 2011, 8:00 PM

Filed Under: TV | Man Cave

Man Cave is a testosterone-filled Monday feature that highlights the weekend haps of an everyday, pop culture-loving Philly dude. But is this really what most guys are up to all weekend long? Feel free to enlighten us with your adventures in the comments section.

This weekend was just another example of getting my money's worth out of the small, classroom-sized man cave that my wife agreed to two years ago. I put life-hours on my projector screen lamp and my Logitech surround sound. Lets recap this weekend's WiFi wonderland. Friday: Rounded up some college buddies to plan a bachelor party. We enjoyed an episode of the charming britcom The I.T. Crowd. It's like The Office from an entirely tech (read: nerd) point of view. Before we finished cross-the-pond-LOL's, we payed tribute to the legendary Might Boosh semi-spinoff, Snuff Box. If you think you've explored the dark void of psychedelic comedy to its lowest reaches, you haven't seen anything until you've seen Snuff Box. Only six episodes long, it was too nuanced, textured, irreverent and weird even for the Brits. After that we enjoyed youtube favs like Muppet Bohemian Rhapsody, as well as Kermit the Frog's cover of NIN's "Hurt" via Johnny Cash. Hilarious, creepy, and somewhat NSFW. Blasted some MP3's on the stereo, like the now defunct Lehigh Valley surf-prog power-trio Wavetaster (featuring Dave Johnsen of Project Object). Switched over to vinyl to accompany some trash-talk over the foosball table: Tribe Called Quest, Prince, and Them Crooked Vultures. If that's not the quintessential foosball soundtrack, then I'm never playing foosball ever again. Finished the night falling asleep (er, passing out) to Quentin Tarantino's Inglorious Bastards. Saturday: Continued the Quentin movie marathon with Kill Bill I and II on TNT. That pretty much ate up the entire day. At night we had a dinner party with some actual adults. We spun a crowd favorite, Ferris Beuler's Day Off, on DVD, and then enjoyed desert with Batman Dark Knight on TNT. Does it get better than Heath Ledger explaining how he got those scars? R.I.P. Heath, you went out joining Daniel Plainview and Hanibal Lector at the top of the list of most stirring characters ever. Sunday: Watched the NFL conference champion and stuffed a record 15 people into my hallowed hall, with local Philly Yards Brewing on sixtel keg. Good to know the working theater capacity of the Man Cave, although next weekend will probably be more solitude oriented.

Posted by Ryan Carey @ 8:00 PM Permalink | Post a comment

TURNED ONN: The Onion News Network premieres on IFC

POSTED: Monday, January 24, 2011, 4:00 PM

Filed Under: Critical Mass | TV Turned ONN

Last night the Onion News Network (ONN) premiered its half-hour series on IFC, and it was awesome. I half expected this to be an awkward, annoying, Whitest-Kids-U-Know kind of deal, but ONN brought the funnies with plenty of social criticism and their characteristic insensitivity. Admittedly, you've got to have at least a half-conscious sociopolitical awareness to enjoy this show. Here's some of the highlights:

theonion.com

- After a photogenic white high school student stabs her classmate to death with a screwdriver, the judge is so appalled by the violence of her crime that he has her tried as a 300-pound Black man. Tears and outrage on the suspect's part ensue, and periodic updates inform us that white supremacists have shot her — but being a Black man, police probably won't investigate. - Then, Brooke Alvarez (right), one of ONN's news anchors is kidnapped by terrorists and we're informed, tragically, that she looks terrible. No worries, though. ONN drops a hair and makeup team into Kandahar — hoping they'll be kidnapped as well — because this anchor's blood and tears are starting to "make her face look shiny." If only it was one of the pale, hairy staffers, Alvarez wishes. - The Kim Jong Il bit wasn't that funny, with the dictator promising to call off the nukes if he can play every part in the next Batman movie. - But I loved the scathing bit with the history teacher who corrects ONN on the age of the Alamo. ONN thanks her for taking time out of her busy social life, which research shows includes looking up recipes and sleeping alone while her husband has sex with a woman he met on Craigslist ...

Michael S.

Posted 2011-01-24 14:03:28

I'm so excited for this.  I've watched the ONN segments on their website for quite some time and so it's just natural that they finally launched their own ONN show.  IFC seems like a perfect fit, too.  Now that I've setup my DISH Network DVR to record all episodes I'm set.  Probably not going to watch it at home as I'll end up saving this for my downtime when I'm away from home to watch on my phone or laptop.  That's why I love being a DISH Network customer and employee - they have a true TV Everywhere solution that allows me to watch my live TV and recordings on the go, whenever I want.

Michael iSan Idiot

Posted 2011-01-24 21:54:19

You, sir, are an idiot.  And DISH suuucks!!!  Please go sell your crap door-to-door somewhere else.

Posted by Bianca Brown @ 4:00 PM Permalink | Post a comment

« PREVIOUS | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | NEXT »

Q&A with SHARI SOLANIS: "The goal isn't pornography"
What we're trying to do this weekend
Coming soon to Philly: Two cockamamie movie promotion schemes
SEXY TIME Q&A: I've never had an orgasm during sex with a man — and I'm 30!
ICE CUBE: In Memoriam: Joe Tartaglia
Q&A with Tony Goldwyn: "Life is gray, and relationships are, too"
CONCERT REVIEW: Primus (3D & quadraphonic sound) @ The Tower 10/17
PHILLY LOVE NOTES: An ode to Spruce Street
ICEPACK ILLUSTRATED: The Archbishop meets the Geator, the Mayor goes suit shopping, Le Bec Fin fin.
CONCERT REVIEW & PHOTOS: James Blake @ TLA 5/11

About this blog

Featuring everything from event roundups to concert reviews and sex talk, City Paper's Critical Mass is a space for off-the-wall coverage of Philly's A&E scene.

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