Critical Mass 1.0
We like American Idol. Too much.
Tommy Button: When the night starts off with Ellen Degeneres sitting on the lap of Simon Cowell, you know it's gonna be a rough one. This was the girls last chance at Top 12 dreams and only three of them really sang like it. Besides the physical discomfort of sitting through the performances, the show itself was all over the place. Seacrest and the judges were bouncing off the walls with anxiety because they had to find some way to cram the show within a reasonable amount of time. I'll try to waste slightly less of your time.
Molly Eichel: Eh, it wasn't so bad. No surprises but other than Lacey Brown lessening the degree to which I wanted to punch her in the face.
TB: Powersox was far and away the best of the night. She was in fact the polar opposite of Paige Miles. A soulful white girl with a cool streak in her as long as Route 66.
ME: I feel bad always praising Powersox as my favoe, but what are you gonna do? She took Tracy Chapman's "Give Me One Reason," a song very much associated with its artist, slapped it upside the head and said, "Look Tracy, you're super cool and all. You can play the didgeridoo, your arms are jacked and you have a beautifully distinctive voice. But I'm motherfucking Crystal Bowersox, bitch." Also, she looked so glamorous tonight!
TB: Look at her. Just sitting on her amp like a fucking champ. Mission Blow It Out The Box: Accomplished. Seeing Powersox right before just proved that Lilly Scott has got to step it up a bit otherwise she's gonna get left in the dust. Sure, Lilly's consistently good but it's turning into a bit of the same ol' same ol'.
ME: Amen, Tom-Tom. I like her arrangements but they're too small. She needs to come out huge next time or I'm afraid that some lesser boys will take her down. Although, word to Patsy Cline.
TB: Didi Benami gets second billing. She was able to outshine Lilly, who up to this point has been her toughest competition.
ME: Didi took my second best spot too with Fleetwood Mac's "Rhianna." I love the tone of her voice. Unlike Lilly (who needs a wow moment to remind us who she is), I think all of this no wow moment blather from the judges is bullshit. Stevie Nicks never has wow moments either and she has one of the greatest voices in all of pop music. Here's my problem with Didi, though: Her strongest songs are all of these, slow quiet version of songs and I'm worried she's one-note.
TB: Do I think Didi can keep up this momentum? Hell no. But at least she ain't throwing in the towel yet. I heard it through the grapevine that Seacrest is tapping dat. And by grapevine, I mean Spike Eskin at WYSP pointed out that last week Sea-man gave Didi a little hand grab after her performance. AND HE DID IT AGAIN THIS WEEK!!! Leave a little room for the lord, you two. She still has at least one more week of Seacrest hand grabs in her future
ME: I'm embarrassed to say this because I've kicked her in the balls a couple times before, but I loved Siobhan Magnus' "House of the Rising Sun." Perfect song choice for her range, perfect execution. I was totally digging Snaggle Tooth Siobhan last night.
TB: I'm glad Simon finally pointed out the mind boggling weirdness of this girl. There seems to be some box blowing moments in Snaggle Tooth Siobhan and she's gonna go far. But for me, she's always gonna seem like the pot dealer's weird girlfriend. Except she's not making me any hand-blown pipes.
ME: Worst by far goes to Paige Miles with "Smile."
TB: Way to shit the bed, Paige. I want to go more in depth than say she sucked but that seems to be the best I can do right now. But hey, if she's not gonna try, why should I?
ME: Not only did she sing this poorly, but Janelle Monae did the same thing and did it better. Check it:
Aw, Paige. Don't worry, you're not the only one who deserves to cry. Because Katelyn Epperly did one of the most mediocre versions of Carole King's "I Hear the Earth Move" I've ever heard. She didn't tweak the arrangement that much, but what she did ruined the momentum of the song. Look, if you're gonna fuck with someone who knows how to structure pop song like a finely crafted mystery (keeps you holding on until you can barely take it anymore ... then pay off), you either go nuts or keep it simple. I wish she had sung it as a ballad like last week. Actually, I just wish Siobhan had sung this song too.
TB: Quite frankly, I do not understand what the judges were talking about. Her hair looked like a rat's nest. This was Katelyn Epperly's third (and hopefully final) shot at impressing me and she failed. I bet Epperly is the kind of person who strikes out in kickball.
ME: I think she'll stick around because she's smokin' hot (and I've got a soft spot for her because she's got Sharon Pinkenson's hair). Even though she wasn't that bad this week, I still am gonna hate on Lacey Brown. Her version of Brandy Carlisle's "The Story" wasn't balls-out awful, but I still don't think she's top 12 material.
TB: The judges thought it was her best yet it was still awful. Lacey is in the same boat as Katie Stevens her success is totally dependent on someone else failing. So basically, Lacey shouldn't focus on singing so much as sabotage at this point.
I say former U.S. Poet Laureate and author of 12 books Mark Strand is a dead ringer for Clint Eastwood:
|Mark Strand||Clint Eastwood|
But City Paper web guru Marc Steel says he looks like the now-deceased Charlton Heston:
|Mark Strand, again||Charlton Heston|
What do you say? Do you have another old white man doppelganger for Mark Strand?
Either way, the Pulitzer Prize-winning author will give a free reading at Bryn Mawr College on Thu., March 25.
Mark Strand, March 25, 7:30 p.m., free, Ely Room of the Wyndham Alumnae House, Bryn Mawr College, 101 N. Merion Ave., Bryn Mawr, 610-526-5000.
|From top left: Amy, Anthony, Ben, Emilio, Jay,
Jesse, Jonathan, Maya, Mila and Seth Aaron
With only 10 designers remaining, Emilio reminds us early in this episode that the kids are half way to Bryant Park. Now it's just a matter of beating nine other competitors. Good luck with that one.
This week, the designers met TG and Michael Kors at Kors' SoHo store. Aside from giving his store a little publicity, it isn't clear why Kors was there. All he did was tell the remaining 10 that they were getting their design supplies from a hardware store rather than Mode, Project Runway's fabric store of choice. Oh Michael Kors, this challenge just wouldn't have been the same if you didn't personally deliver the guidelines on the floor of your fancy pants store.
With not a bolt of fabric in sight, the kids had to collect sand paper, copper sheets, keys, screening, industrial duct tape and plastic garbage bags to fashion some sort of wearable clothing. The sewing room turned crazy. It was like suddenly all the art students were in shop class and they weren't sure what the hell they were doing. At this point Jesse confesses, "Not in a mean way, but you kind of hope somebody crashes and burns." No, Jesse, not mean at all.
Jay's crazy trash-bag-turned-leather-pants that shrunk during construction and almost didn't fit the model were magical. It's not even worth the suspense: He won the challenge. Amy and, as much as I hate to admit it, Mila's designs boasted creativity and fashion-forward thinking but Jay's two-piece design with a braided belt was undoubtedly the best. The last time he won, he made a dress from burlap sacks. The man has a gift for shape-shifting some slop material into detailed fashion. Twinsies Mila and Maya made up the remaining parts of this week's top three. There's really no need to even describe Mila's design because you can already guess that it was black and white color blocking. Only this time it was made from paint tray liners. Maya made a very subdued dress to go with a screen and key necklace and a wire jacket that looked like it crawled all spindly-legged out of Tim Burton's dreams.
Remember that whole crashing and burning that Jesse mentioned? Well that came courtesy of Jesse and Emilio this week. When given the challenge, Emilio whined about not being one to make crafts, but rather "sophisticated" clothing. His washer and pink cord design this week could not have been any further from sophisticated if the Queen herself was wearing it. First, E didn't budget and had to leave half of his supplies at the hardware store. Then Tim Gunn expressed concern that the remaining materials were enough to make an entire dress. Gunn warned him that he may end up making a bikini, or a bottomless dress. When Emilio's model hit the runway she was wearing, of all things, a disturbing bikini. Heidi pointed out that it had no pattern and was hard to follow. The thing was atrocious. But the worst part was when Emilio stood in front of the judges and hand fed them some premium bull shit, saying he knew everyone else would be making a dress (well, not this week's winner Jay, honey) and a swimsuit is something you wouldn't expect to see on the runway. Blah, blah, blah. Somehow he managed to fool the judges and they let him hang in the competition for at least one more week.
It was Jesse's sub par design, though, that lost the challenge. The judges couldn't find enough negative adjectives to describe his "Hershey Kiss/dirty vacuum bag/tin man" dress. Still, nothing was as bad as Emilio's poor judgment, tasteless design and attempt to lie his way to next week's challenge. It wouldn't be too far fetched to think that Heidi and her minions see Em as a talented fashion designer on the rise and therefore wanted to give him another chance to prove himself. Jesse's dress was no great feat of fashion, but it wasn't half as ridiculous as Emilio's busted bikini.
Collectors of pretty things, take note: Every Friday, we're rounding up a what's-what of what we [heart], culled from the scores of design blogs, artist sites and Etsy treasuries we can't help but stalk on the regular.
Here at Coveted HQ, we've got Oscar night on the brain. Apparently, so does everyone else.
Glourious, glourious poster art: We just saw Best Picture-nominated Inglourious Basterds the other day, and while we kinda thought it felt like two separate films (one about lovely, heart-wrenched Shoshanna; the other about kicking Nazi ass and taking names), we're still rooting for the underdog. Last month, L.A.'s Upper Playground Gallery auctioned off 13 amazing Quentin Tarantino-signed Basterds posters with proceeds going toward Haiti relief, and we covet them all. $300 (sold out), upperplayground.com, first spied at bestweekever.tv.
O-82!!!: Here's a fun game for pajama Oscar parties with friends: Oscar Bingo, courtesy of DIY blogger Jessica Jones of How About Orange ... . It's full of hilariously predictable Oscar-night happenings think "George Clooney Seen Sporting a Beard"; "Someone Mentions Haiti"; "Patrick Swayze Appears in Dead Person Montage" in PDF form for easy printing. Good luck! Free, howaboutorange.blogspot.com.
Julie or Julia: We weren't fans of Amy Adams' annoying, cloyingly self-centered portrayal of Julie Powell in Julie & Julia. (Perhaps this is why Meryl Streep's the one who got the Oscar nod.) Adams groupie or not, though, you'll like Etsy artist NOOBOO, who's replicated the Subway token necklace that Julie wore throughout the film. The old-school token (from 1953) hangs inside an antique brass filigree circle ring, upping the ante from the simpler version in the movie. (Alternatively, you could always just read the book.) $50, etsy.com/shop/NOOBOO.
Fantastic Mr. Badger: Die-hard Bill Murray fans would have recognized that voice anywhere, and even though the Wes Anderson mainstay won't win any Academy Awards for his voiceover of a nebbishy attorney, Fantastic Mr. Fox (nominated for Animated Feature Film and Music/Original Score) would've felt incomplete without him there. Illustrator Michael May's Eros Inc. shop on Etsy features sweet, vibrant Mr. Badger, Demolitions Expert prints, plus one of Mr. Fox himself if thieving carnivores are more your scene. $5, etsy.com/shop/erosinc.
PREVIOUSLY >> One of These Things Is Not Like the Others
We like American Idol. Too much.
Tommy Button: The irony of the group performance of "I Gotta Feeling" as an Elimination Night opener was almost too much. No big surprises last night. In fact, if you care to review the record you'll see that I already told you this was gonna happen yesterday.
Molly Eichel: Fish. Barrel. Meet American Idol.
TB: John Park is back to bong rips and N'Sync covers with Purple Haze.
ME: He just didn't have the star power to make it. I thought Todrick Hall was worse, but at least he got zazz. John Park was zazzless.
TB: Jermaine Sellers is trading in his bow tie for a Windsor knot.
ME: Aw, no more inadvertently making yourself out to be a giant douche on live television. Also to bandleader Michael: You're welcome.
TB: Haeley Vaughn FINALLY stopped smiling.
ME: We had high hopes, we had high hopes, we had high apple pie, in the sky up in the hiiiiigh hopes ... that were dashed when she opened your mouth.
TB: Michelle Delamor had to sing Creed for a second time (which is bad for everybody.)
ME: Tommy, I was impressed that you called this one. I thought she was safe and Didi was going home but Jesus must hate Creed as much as the rest of us. I think the bad half-prom dress and jeans combo she wore on Wednesday had something to do with it. Her outfit looked like something Stephanie Seymour would wear in the "November Rain" video. But, once again, I ask, how is Lacey Brown still on this show?
TB: To break the tension, a coked up Danny Gokey even showed up with a little country ditty that gives the impression he's over his dead wife and ready to plow through some strippers.
ME: What!? How could you turn on our boy Totes McGokes. Yeah, he looks like he spent more nights wishing he hadn't done blow off that hooker's ass than not, but he wasn't that bad.
TB: I love the guy and all but somewhere in the subsequent year, Danny seems to have fallen in the wrong crowd. It was probably the advice that damn Randy Travis gave him.
We like American Idol. Too much.
Molly Eichel: Wow. Mee-dee-okra. There were only two up-to-snuff performances. Everything else wasn't even last-call-on-a-Friday-at-Ray's-worthy. Or worse.
Tommy Button: I really hope Powersox doesn't die this season because she might just be the only one to save the quickly sinking S.S. Idol. Even though the boys were still on the shitty end of the stick last night, everyone showed improvement. The girls, however, were a bit all over the place, running the gamut from two thumbs up to a pair of severed thumbs flushed down the toilet.
ME: To start off, I think Tommy and I can both agree that we are no longer on Team Haeley.
TB: I know I was all about her in the beginning but I would like to take this moment to retract all my positive statements regarding Haeley Vaughn. I've had enough of the fucking Sarlaac. You've devoured your last victim.
ME: I don't think "The Climb" was an awful song choice. She's young, she should have done a young song. But god, who knew that someone could make Miley Cyrus look like motherfucking Maria Callas? On first viewing, I didn't think it was that bad but on second listen, it's horrendous. On a plus side, I now listen to "Party in the U.S.A." with newfound respect.
TB: I can't believe everyone makes such a big deal about waterboarding but things like that are still able to happen. I was pretty sure that was gonna take home the medal for worst song choice but oh, no. Michelle Delamor took the stage with a little bit of Creed, singing "With Arms Wide Open." I don't care how good of a singer you are, Creed is never a good decision. It wasn't a good a decision for music. It wasn't a good decision for America. Fuck. Creed wasn't even a good decision for Scott Stapp. If for some reason she makes it through, I suggest taking a stab at some Nickleback.
ME: Yeah, I mostly hated on Michelle because she took on the leather-pants wearin', God-fearing Creed (without even one Jesus pose! C'mon!) but at least she switched up the arrangement. Lacey Brown, on the other hand, took a simple song to sing (Sixpence None the Richer's "Kiss Me"), sung it like the recorded version and still ended up sounding like she wasn't meant for this competition. Get outta here Brown Nose.
TB: The two aforementioned thumbs (not the severed ones) are referring to Lilly Scott and Powersox.
TB: Far and away the best of the night. Powersox stayed true to her name and didn't play some pity card or half ass the thing, she came out and performed like a serious performer. The show must go on, and by God, it will if Powersox has anything to do with it!
ME: I loved it when she said she was a tough cookie. She was like, "Hospital? Whatevs. Lemme just take this here Creedence Clearwater Revival song AND KILL IT." My friend Charlie put it best: SuperPowersox.
TB: Lilly Scott is in my faves mostly because of her song choice,"A Change Is Gonna Come." It's a perfect song and no one will ever do it like Sam Cooke but Lilly Scott made that song her own and didn't do it half bad, either. And so far, Lilly Scott has remained relatively cool, calm and collected. No freak-outs, awkward chats, or wardrobe snafus. It's like the girl is trying to make my job hard
ME: So many people fail at this song. But I thought the arrangement was perfect for her, showing off her strengths rather than highlighting her weaknesses. But she's just so ... she has a look (peacock ears, silver hair), she's fine on camera but I just believe Powersox more. There's an authenticity about Powersox, a reason to root for her that I just don't see yet in Lilly. Still, amazing performance
We like American Idol. Too much.
Molly Eichel: Like many of you, I sat on my couch with my head cocked confused puppy-style when I saw the boys take the stage last night? Wasn't it supposed to be the ladies? Yep, apparently Crystal Bowersox was rushed to the hospital for vaguely disclosed reasons and the boys stepped up to take their place. Get well soon Powersox!
Tommy Button: Alright. I'll give the boys credit where credit is due. Clearly, these men did some soul searching after last week's clusterfuck and found something inside to make them suck less. Congratulations on sucking less, boys. Next, try not sucking at all
ME: I've got to give it up for Michael "Big Mike" Lynche, who sang James Brown's "It's a Man's Man's Man's World." Half of the boys' problem is their song choice and this is perfect for him. It's both ballad-y enough so he can show off his range but paced fast enough to show off the personality that makes him so attractive as a contestant in the first place. This was the first performance and I already knew it was going to make my top two of the evening. Also, did you see he was BFFs with Andrew Garcia?
TB: I like his BFF-ship with Andrew Garcia. That's a duo you want on your side, although Andrew needs to step it up. But Big Mike is getting a little boring for me. Sure, he's good but he doesn't do it for me all the way. Kind of like a black Lee Dewyze.
ME: Your opinion may be borderline retarded Tommy, but you lead me to my perfect transition to my second favorite performance of the night: Lee Dewyze's "Lips of an Angel" by Hinder. Detractors bitch that Idol is glorified karaoke, but I could almost hear Lee singing songs like this on the radio. Like, I would turn on WMMR and could hear Lee Dewyze. He did look awkward as fuck lumbering around the stage though, and I think he'll split votes with Casey James, who is considerably better.
TB: Plus, Casey James rebuilt his own house?! Wow. He reminds me more and more of that guy in The Notebook everyday.
ME: Casey reminds me of a redneck, Jesus-ier version of David Cook.
TB: If anyone was closest to not sucking at all it was Alex Lambert. I never thought it possible and I was certainly preparing for him to fail miserably but he somehow turned it out. The only way he could have been better would have been if he vomited everywhere he talked a lot about blowing chunks in his pre-taped interview while holding the last note. It'd be like a John Waters movie. For reals though, he sounded like he was having fun for the first time on this show. And probably most importantly, he made the stool work. I don't care about your arrangement, or the key, or the tempo. If you have a stool on that stage, you're taking the biggest risk ever. We expect something particular when we're being sung to from a stool so you better deliver.
ME: Mullet Chops certainly gets the Most Improved award. That was a show-defining performance. He'll coast the next couple of weeks on that alone. It also took stones to sing John Legend's "Everybody Knows." Turns out, boy's got boulders, considering the song choice and, apparently, the chair choice.
TB: Unfortunately, John Park wasn't able to work the same stool magic. John Park, resident Asian stoner and member of Purple Haze Northwestern's hottest a Cappela group, might as well have been singing "I'm ooooooooon a stooooooooool, I'm oooooon a stooooooool." That's how much that moved me. AND he looked stupid on that stool. CUT TO: disapproving Asian parents because you're going home, John Park.
ME: John's crime was being Scandinavian-move boring. Just as criminal though was Todrick Hall's decimation of Tina Turner's "What's Love Got to Do With It?" I didn't hate Todrick's arrangment last week as much as everyone else did, but one is moronic. Did he listen to the lyrics? You can't do a song about getting it on with no thought to good taste, pregnancyor herpes in the style of a let's-get-it-on ballad. I hope Ms. Tina saw that, barfed all over her yoga mat, did a "River Deep, Mountain High" wail and set out to find Todrick Hall and kick the shit out of him with those glorious gams.
TB: Jermaine Sellers was terrible. I really wanted to say Tim Urban was the worst out sheer principle but, let's face it, the pretty boy will rise again. But so I feel less bad about this, I'm gunna write "Tim Urban" in place of "Jermaine Sellers." In weird way, Tim Urban reminds me a little of Andre 3000. Maybe it's because I'm positive Andre 3000 has a closet of dino onesies. I always want to like him but he has this way of making good songs bad. Tim Urban took one of the greatest songs ever and made it pointless. "What's Going On?" is an intense song, Tim! Quit acting like you're drunk at wedding. But he knows God and God has a telephone that he will use to call in and vote for Tim so no one else bother. Gabriel working 24/7 at getting this guy into the Top 12.
ME: Jermaine needs to go. He ages everything. He took everything at all still current about this song and replaced it with lots of keyboards so it sounded like the theme song to Moonlighting. It's the exact opposite of everything Aaron Kelly does. "My Girl" needs to be sung by someone who has spent some actual quality time with a lady (or man, let's not discriminate), not someone who has three pubes and has to hide his Playboys from his mom.
TB: I thought he was trying to get a little too creative here. Maybe he thought he was putting a country spin on some Motown, but he sounded like he was at a junior high talent show. So it was good. As far as junior high talent shows go.
Apparently, it's "Something that reminds smart people they are better than dumb people."
I also enjoy "a good excuse to grow a mustache."
Really, it's all for the 25th Independent Spirit Awards, which airs this Friday on IFC at 11 p.m. EST (thanks a lot, California).
Like we told you when the noms came out, Philly has a big stake in them this year with nods for Precious' Lee Daniels, (500) Days of Summer writer Scott Neustadter, Maria Bello, Big Fan and, most importantly Tom Quinn's Mummers' flick Near Year Parade, which Mark Mauer told you about upon its release. It's up for the John Cassavettes Award given to a feature made for under $500,000. Give another big "Hell Yeah!" for Quinn, why dontcha?
We like American Idol. Too much.
Tommy Button: Master of Suspense, Ryan Seacrest guided us through an hour of programming to provide us with 30 seconds of information. Actually, it took an extra 15 for me to realize how drunk Allison Iraheta was. But since we're all here, we might as well discuss went down.
The Top 24 had their first group performance with "American Boy" which, believe or not, was better than it sounds. I thought Powersox would be all over the place but she held it together nicely while Tim Urban scooted around like a hermit crab. After the formalities, Seacrest got down to business and dropped some knowledge.
Janell Wheeler was the first to get the bad news. Shocker, I know but it's better this way. It's early in the game so it'll only hurt a little, like ripping off a band-aid. And her swan song was pretty good if she was trying to sound like an actual dying bird. Later, white girl.ME: Thank heavens. Janell was about to give me a coronary, partly caused by unnecessary pop culture infatuation.
TB: Ashley Rodriguez was the next to get the boot. Great job, America. Kick off the hot Spanish chick. You blew it. I'm not saying Ashley was gonna go on to change the world or anything but give her another week, people. You're gunna send the good looking Latina and let Lacey Brown get away with that? I thought we turned a corner, America.
ME: Whoa! Not expecting this at all. Ashley didn't deserve her fate this early. But I figure when it comes to the hot Latina chicks, she splits the votes with the equally uninspiring Michelle Delamor. Both are smokin', but the hotness scale tips towards Delamor. Don't worry, Lacey Brown will go next week and you'll have your vengeance.
TB: Joe Munoz, I could care less about, but just the fact that it was between him and Tim Urban and Tim Urban got off the hook is truly horrific. I get it. He's pretty. But even he was shocked he got to stay. Joe Munoz, like Ashley Rodriguez, not great, but certainly not the worse. America saw a pretty face and fell for it. I'm not mad. Just disappointed.
ME: Joe Munoz's crime was having Peter Gallagher eyebrows. Sayonara Joe, it's sad to see you leave.
TB: The question of Alex Lambert or Tyler Grady might as well have been decided by flipping a coin. Really couldn't care either way. I'm just so upset about Tim Urban. Did I mention that? I will not stop until he is off my TV and in a Macy's catalog.
ME: Tyler didn't really want it. I think he needs to go back to the dorm room where can rip the bong, pound the skins and hit on half-conscious chicks with his pseudo-'70s vibe. Being on TV should get him laid for six months at least.
We like American Idol. Too much.
Tommy Button: I didn't watch last night as much as I rubbernecked. The men were demoted to boys after the first round made them her bitch. Thank God there were a few Alpha Dogs to lead the pack, otherwise this woulda been a complete waste of time. The whole show was all over the place. I didn't know what the fuck I was watching.
Molly Eichel: This was straight up embarrassing. For all my talk yesterday about how the girls didn't bring it, I would have kept my mouth shut if I had known they would put the boys to shame. The worst part is, there is no Angela Martin to mourn for; no one I thought who should have made Top 24 but didn't. I'm worried for Season 9. I truly am.
Todrick Hall "Since U Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson
TB: 'A' for effort and thats about it. Probably 'A-.'
ME: I like Todrick, he's got spunk and style and I'm excited to see what he does next. But he's more of a hyphenate, then just a singer. Don't listen to the haters that say he's going home.
Aaron Kelly "Here Comes Goodbye" by Rascal Flatts
TB: Someone get this kid some ProActiv. I heard Jessica Simpson uses it, so you know its good. If Kevin Covais can land a role in College then Aaron Kelly is set for life. I really liked him a lot but Simon's right, kiddo needs to grow some sack. Stop saying 'thank you' for starters and get some smaller shirts.
ME: Blech, seriously? He could have taken it all if he had just waited a couple years instead of trying to push his voice farther than a 16-year-old should. This was like when Peter Brady's balls dropped in The Brady Bunch and all of a sudden he could sing.
TB: Right. but you can say that about any of the youngens in the group. I hope his voice hasnt fully matured seeing that he is only 16. You're right, he won't win or anything but he'll pull in some grandmas and 13-year-old girls that don't recognize that he's gay. I'm just saying he showed up some people with 10 years experience on him and thats impressive.
Jermaine Sellers "Get Here" by Oleta Adams
TB: I hope the steam punk pallbearer outfit was supposed to be some sick joke about him digging his own grave. I thought the worst was over when he finished singing but it really all went to hell when he asked "Who is Michael?"
ME: Ellen said she liked his look but I think that's because she was only imagining herself in that outfit and she would look fantastic in a top hat and tails.
Tim Urban "Apologize" by One Republic
TB: It is too late to apologize, good sir.
ME: Yes, he's terrible, and Vote for the Worst is giving him a kiss of death endorsement of the likes of Jermaine Sellers and John Park. But he looks like a boy I had a crush on in high school and I figure that's how most people vote so I'm down with Tim. Odd how they talked about how Time got a second chance call from the Idol producers but never mentioned Chris Golightly, the corkscrewed-haired boy bander who got the boot for a previous contract. Or because Tim Urban has better hair. You be the judge.
Joe Munoz "You and I both" by Jason Mraz
TB: Well after the previous train wreck, this guy sounded okay. And the way things have been going, okay is a helluva compliment. Talk about great field position. He could have sung the alphabet and my ears would have thought it was genius after the Tim Urban massacre.
Tyler Grady "American Woman" by the Guess Who
TB: Leather Pants-Neckerchief Horseface was about as cool as the nickname I just gave him. Speaking, of horses, he keeps beating this neo-hippie dead horse . Audition for Hair already or try something new.
ME: I hate to say it, y'know who would have killed this song? Adam Lambert. Know who didn't kill this song? Tyler Grady.
Lee Dewyze Charsing Cars by Snow Patrol
TB: He sells paint and is about as fun as watching it dry.
ME: I know Lee Dewyze! Oh wait, no, he's just every seemingly sensitive, but secretly date-rapey, guy who brings his guitar to parties and makes panties drop with every poor rendition of "Stairway to Heaven." Five to 10 days later, the symptoms start and the party ain't so grand.
John Park "God Bless the Child"
TB: The whole thing seemed a little awkward. The song. The chat with Ryan. In fact, this is so awkward I don't want to talk about it anymore. Hey, look over there! It's Big Mike! He's back!
ME: A standard? Christ. Idiot.
Michael "Big Mike" Lynch "This Love" by Maroon 5
TB: Let's talk about the elephant in the room. Big Mike's pit stains. They're the size of dinner plates. I know it's nerve racking and they're under the lights, but really, if you plan on doing some pointing just be conscious. Now that's out the way ... He did liven up the room but it still wasn't that good. When he gets through to next week, he needs to thank the sucky people around him.
ME: I loved this performance. This is what good Top 12 performances are about: getting the crowd going. He also removed everything I hate about this song (i.e. the lead singer of Maroon 5's voice) and replaced it with elements I like (i.e. his voice).
Alex Lambert "Wonderful World" by James Morrison
TB: The last thing I would want after a clusterfuck like that is a hug from Kara. I feel like he might have seen into my soul the way he was staring into that camera.
Casey James "Heaven" by Bryan Adams
TB: Jesus. I haven't seen eye-fucking like that on TV since Johnny Carson and Dean Martin. I need a cigarette.
ME: Maybe it's the Olympics that has spurred my love for Canuck Bryan Adams, but I was no Casey James fan before this performance. Fantastic. Also: Whoever taught him about conditioner is a genius.
Andrew Garcia "Sugar, We're Going Down" by Fall Out Boy
TB: I wanna say that this is just the anger from the Fall Out Boy song selection that's speaking, but I didn't really enjoy Andrew. I love him and it's hard to see him not be his best. But you know what, I'd vote from him if I didn't DVR the show.
ME: I wasn't so upset about the song choice. I figure Andrew's got Top 12 in the bag, if not Top 5. Why not save the magic for when it really counts?
TB: Ellen kind of stumbled through that episode. She should just limit herself to one-liners. She has a talk show. Ellen chats you up and makes you feel awesome, not tell you how crappy you are. It's almost not fair for her having to placate douche after douche. It's depressing. I'm still gunna cut her some slack. It's her first season and she isn't on the steady diet of Cherry Vodka and pills that Paula was. It wasn't just her though, everyone was terrible. Simon was pissy in a bad way. Randy wasn't even laughing at how bad everyone was. Ellen looked like the fat kid on field day. And it's not like I give shit at all about what Kara says but when you got an awkward Ellen, an angry Simon and a blasÃ© Dawg, it makes everything that much worse.
ME: These are the shows when I really miss Paula. When the performances are boring, you could at least count on P-Abs to say something ridiculous or least wear something ludicrous (well, this ep, Kara had that covered). I'm not opposed to American Idol doping. I'm just saying.
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