Poetic License

POETIC LICENSE: Horoscopes for March 11-17

POSTED: Friday, March 11, 2011, 11:00 AM

Filed Under: Poetic License

Devoted poet/avid concert-goer/nerd-grrrl extraordinaire Jane Cassady’s weekly horoscopes run in this space every Friday morning.

Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): Happy birthday to my very favorite Pisces in the Universe, Shanny Jean Maney. In her honor, everyone should please make caramel brownies, watch Jeff Goldblum movies, and fall in love with the periodic table.

Aries (March 21-April 18): Winter is starting to loosen its grip. There’s one tulip leaf outside my window, winning the award for most optimistic. That’s you. And those really are buds on the trees, not just chill-induced hallucinations.

Taurus (April 19-May 18): To the Taurus who broke up with the guy for the right reasons: The walls of your future house are papered with sweet-but-not-too-sweet love poems. Fresh air is fluttering the perfect window treatments. Your well adjusted future children are shining down the steps like liberated angels.

Gemini (May 19-June 21): “There is no more intrepid explorer than a kitten,” says Jules Champfleury at the top of the March page of my 365 Kittens a Year calendar. This week, delve in, bravely and adorably.

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POETIC LICENSE: Horoscopes, March 3-10

POSTED: Thursday, March 3, 2011, 7:00 PM

Filed Under: Poetic License

Devoted poet/avid concert-goer/nerd-grrrl extraordinaire Jane Cassady's weekly horoscopes run in this space every Friday morning (and sometimes Thursday afternoon).

Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): Things to do while you're waiting for the next season of Portlandia: Memorize famous bridges. Send lavish bouquets to Aimee Mann. Listen to Sleater-Kinney records backwards, for the hidden messages. Remember your mantra: Put birds on things. Put birds on things. Put birds on things.

Aries (March 21-April 18): The stars told me to tell you that Ira Glass is your guardian angel. He watches over everything you do, asking thoughtful questions and moving the story forward in such a patient, soothing voice.

Taurus (April 19-May 18): "The sum of all known reverence I add up in you whoever you are" (Walt Whitman). Etch that into your mirror, paint it on your coffee cups, write it in the middle of your palms for luck.

Gemini (May 19-June 21): I like Steve Carell's character in Dinner for Schmucks. He loves his ex-wife so much that he makes her a whole parkscape diorama. Peopled with little dressed-up taxidermied mice, but still, endearing!

Cancer (June 22-July 23): Dress optimistically, even if it means your ears might get cold. Show your faith with just-light-enough sweaters. Believe it's warm out until you touch the window pane.

Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): Last night as I was snuggled up, reading in bed with my sweetie, she with her Wonder Woman graphic novel and I with my Bitch magazine, I thought, "This is exactly what I always hoped for." Be prepared for similarly snuggly revelations.

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): "Love the music our beatbox bodies loop over sunrises./ Love the soft spots we leave for each other" (Elliott D. Smith). The whole universe is waking up next to you, blinking its eyes, with swoony thoughts and fancy plans.

Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): Last week when I was freaking out about an upcoming math test, my tutor pal came over to help me. Even though he only stayed for an hour and most of that hour was spent on gossip, he helped me to improve my score by 14 questions worth of points. Someone's waiting to work that kind of magic for you.

Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): Hooray for Barb on Big Love! She's realizing that she can have access to the divine without a man's intercession! Sister-wife, listen more to your inner Margene, and less to your inner Nicki.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): Last time my nephew Holden visited, he was very, very disappointed that he could not give a cheeseburger to either of our cats. But as for you, in the words of T.I. as paraphrased by Lolcats: You can haz whatever you like.

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): I unsubscribed to my previously favorite podcast after the host made me cry on Twitter. Maybe we don't need to interact with everything we love, or maybe we just have to keep trying. #stillalittlebrokenhearted

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Like a ghost in a library, you have access to everything, but need help turning the pages. What little winds can come along and flutter you forward? Maybe an Aries can lend you her guardian angel?

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POETIC LICENSE: Horoscopes, Feb. 25-March 3

POSTED: Friday, February 25, 2011, 5:00 PM

Filed Under: Poetic License

Devoted poet/avid concert-goer/nerd-grrrl extraordinaire Jane Cassady's weekly horoscopes run in this space every Friday morning. This week's horoscope is hopefully even more nerdy than usual, in celebration of Shappy Seasholtz's birthday and the Spoken Nerd Revolution book release! You can come celebrate Shappy and read your own poetry Fri., Feb .25, 7:30 p.m., at the Philly Poetry Slam (InFusion Coffee and Tea, 7133 Germantown Ave.). To watch a live reading of this week's horoscope, click here. Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): To the Pisces drunk-texting me while playing a sorceress in Dungeons and Dragons: In his very enjoyable book Zombie Spaceship Wasteland, Patton Oswalt says, "If the victories we create in our heads were let loose on reality, the world we know would drown in blazing happiness." Aries (March 21-April 18): I've been rereading the Little House on the Prairie series lately, and it is AMAZING. Sometimes they play in a haystack for a whole chapter! As Pa said to Half Pint as they were settling in at their Plum Creek home: "We must do the best we can, Laura, and not grumble. What must be done is best done cheerfully. And someday we will have horses again." And you will! Taurus (April 19-May 18): Concerning ships that made the Kessel Run, time trials of: A parsec is not a unit of time, but of distance. Measure the parallax between you and language, the distance between you and your favored star. Close one eye, and open the other. Gemini (May 19-June 21): In Stand by Me, Gordie Lachance wakes up earlier than his friends and wanders back onto the tracks they've been following. He has a very meaningful moment meeting the eyes of a deer as it's crossing the tracks. He decides not to tell his friends about it. You can do this too: Keep glimpses and treasure them to yourself. Cancer (June 22-July 23): Once you notice a pattern, it's hard to un-notice. For instance, I may need to stop watching The Big Bang Theory because I've noticed that their laugh track goes off most often in response to guys showing affection for each other. Humans notice patterns as a means of survival, though, so I guess I'll go with it. Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): Here are some things that my wife says are not nerdy: Lolcats, 30 Rock, Patton Oswalt, the 1990s. She says that the mere fact of me liking something does not make it nerdy. I'm not even sure what the difference is between nerds and geeks! Are Venn Diagrams nerdy? Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): According to Star Wars According to a Three Year Old, "The shiny guy always worries." You can relate to that, right, Virgo? This week, ignore your inner protocol droid and venture out across Tatooine, with no concern for the sand working its way into your metal joints. Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): If you're Jesse Eisenberg, you're more Adventureland than The Social Network. If you're Michael Cera, you're more Scott Pilgrim than George Michael Bluth. And you sure do deserve to get the girl. And the coins. Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): Nobody can really understand what was supposed to be so great about Cho Chang, unless it was just her pretty face and her Quiddich skills. Everybody knows that Hermoine was the real dreamboat of Hogwarts, especially after she went renegade and (GASP!) stopped returning library books. Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): (Paraphrased from my Praxis prep book) In this Venn Diagram, what does the shaded part represent: A. All rhombuses B. All parallelograms C. All kites D. All love letters you've sent out with hopes of reply that will pay off dividends soon, we promise. (Answer: D, of course.) Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Like Leslie Knope with the words to "Poker Face" stuck in her head because she was out all night dancing at the gay bar after she became a town hero for unintentionally marrying two male penguins, you have a lot to celebrate. Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Don't worry, Liz Lemon. There's no reason to put on the fanny pack, to stop brushing your hair, to get a cat named Emily Dickinson (Oh no, a hawk got her!) Anyone and everyone would create elaborate subterfuge, just to buoy your spirits.

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POETIC LICENSE: Horoscopes, Feb. 18-24

POSTED: Friday, February 18, 2011, 9:00 PM

Filed Under: Poetic License

Devoted poet/avid concert-goer/nerd-grrrl extraordinaire Jane Cassady's weekly horoscopes run in this space every Friday morning. Spring Fever Mix Tape Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Write About Love (Belle and Sebastian): Whatever cubicle nightmare is glitter-hazing your head, your heart needs some fresh air. Go outside and get sunbeams on your face. Map the snowmelt rivers, or better yet, follow them. Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): (Portland, Oregon) You're My Home (Carrie Brownstein and Fred Armisen): "We're so thankful for everything we've got, and we're so sorry for everything we're not." Except that you never have to apologize. Your heart is as bountiful as a Portland food truck. You are the opposite of an ironic mustache. Like the Rose City, your aim is true. Aries (March 21-April 18): The Cave (Mumford and Sons): "The sun, it rises slowly as you walk/ Away from all the fears/ And all the faults you've left behind." You are now leaving Plato's cave. Things aren't shadows anymore, they're three-dimensional. Taurus (April 19-May 18): Firework (Glee Cast Version): Everyone has come to the field and spread out their blankets as the blue fades from the sky and the stars appear. They're waiting for you with a soundtrack of sighs. You are only for special occasions, only for glimmering across their upturned faces. Gemini (May 19-June 21): The Suburbs (Arcade Fire): Things may seem end-of-the-worldy, but a lot of it plans to stick around, I promise. Ride bikes around like little kids. Take out your camera and record every angle of your living sight. Have faith in the horizon, and even in the cul-de-sac. Cancer (June 22-July 23): Animal (Miike Snow): You shapeshifter, mixing your signals, fading in and out like a pulse. You can decide what you are on any highway. "Now you're pulling your disguise up. Are you free or are you tied up?" Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): Home (LCD Soundsystem) and Home (The Magnetic Zeroes): Get there and stay there, or carry it with you. Everything you hope for is stacked up around your ears. Remember your best friend is your breath, and most importantly: come back, come back, come back. Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): El Scorcho (Weezer): Somebody is always reading your diary, decoding the heart-doodles in the margins. Follow love with or without mistranslation, whether or not you are even legible. Send out sparks like homing beacons, it's okay for now, the waiting. Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): You Can Do It (Ice Cube): You are my very own living room dance party, and this is encouragement you can trust. "Don't stop, git it git it." You will. Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): Touch the Sky (Kanye West): "Any pessimists I ain't talked to them,/Plus, I ain't have no phone in my apartment." Feel free to be oblivious to anything that might hold you back. Pull out all of your household wires if necessary. Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): Born this Way (Lady Gaga): It doesn't matter if you were born this way or notthe you that you are creating out of the materials given (hardship, music, TV shows, imaginary limits) is so perfect that it is too beautiful to look at. Get yourself to a disco ball, and refract all over the place. Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Awake my Soul (Mumford and Sons) "How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes/ I struggle to find any truth in your lies/ And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know/ This weakness I feel I must finally show/ Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all/ But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall/ Lend me your eyes I can change what you see/ But your soul you must keep, totally free"

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POETIC LICENSE: Horoscopes, Feb. 11-17

POSTED: Friday, February 11, 2011, 2:48 PM

Filed Under: Poetic License

Devoted poet/avid concert-goer/nerd-grrrl extraordinaire Jane Cassady's weekly horoscopes run in this space every Friday morning. Dear readers, I heart you so much, I'll be your Valentine any year. May the stars spell out your every silly wish. XOXOXOX, Jane Love and the Science Museum (The Franklin Institute, Philadelphia, PA) Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): At the science museum, there is a Cell Phone Disco. If you stop there and call someone, it records your phone's signals in sparkling red lights. It's beautiful and terrifying, kind of like communication itself. Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): To the Pisces who fixed her own fireplace: You stopped yourself from being suffocated. You purchased tools and parts. You restored your home to warmth and woodfire. You're my absolute hero. Aries (March 21-April 18): In the words of Kanye West (and the Roseanne theme song, and, well, Nietzsche), "That-that-that that don't kill me, can only make me stronger." Whatever pretty thing you're waiting for, hang in there. It's coming. Taurus (April 19-May 18): "Electricity is the only thing fast enough to carry the messages that make us who we are." --Dr. Rodolfo LlinÃ s, Neuroscientist Gemini (May 19-June 21): On the Earthquake Simulator, you can build a little structure with magnets and see how long it withstands the shaking. Reinforce the foundation and build low to the ground. Cancer (June 22-July 23): "Chain reactions are beautiful. Like a ballet of falling dominoes, a finely tuned chain reaction seems to generate its own energy, powered by the tiniest push." âSign on the wall next to the Rube Goldberg machine Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): Black holes, though they may be the "Monsters of the Cosmos," spew out matter as they suck it in. They seeded the universe with all the stuff we're made of. Thanks, black holes! Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): I should have known that the hallways inside the giant heart would be unnervingly narrow. There were movies of blood cells moving across the ceiling. Its pulse was faster than my own. A machine told me I have 35 cups of blood, and I believe it. Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): There is nothing quite as romantic as falling asleep to Radiolab. (You should go back and listen awake, though. It's really good.) Let your dreams float in and out of posited situations, through language lost and love letters found. Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): There are many ways to get mild shocks at the science museum, including touching a key that simulates Ben Franklin's famous lightning. Be careful what you touch, but watch for pretty revolutionary flashes. Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): The Benjamin Franklin statue is surrounded by children's hands-on experiments. Enlightening things are happening to Dixie cups, pencils, yeast. Start your own miniature experiment, see what eurekas you tonight just before sleep. Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): To the Capricorn giggling in the church aisle about a first date: â"Some cried out, they tried to take it to the streets/But I wanted it to be heard so I said it in the sheets" (Josh Martinez). Take the revolution to bed and make it your own.

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POETIC LICENSE: Horoscopes, Feb. 4-10

POSTED: Friday, February 4, 2011, 2:00 PM

Filed Under: Poetic License

Devoted poet/avid concert-goer/nerd-grrrl extraordinaire Jane Cassady's weekly horoscopes run in this space every Friday morning. Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Sam Teitel says: "I just gotta get back on the horse/ even if I know the horse has rabies/ and hates me personally," but I disagree. Sometimes the best thing to do is to stay dismounted. Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): On last week's Parks and Recreation, Leslie Knope pulled off a brilliant speech on behalf of her Harvest Festival, in spite of the fact that she was totally zonked out on flu medication. There's no reason to be quite so heroic, but just know you're capable of it. Aries (March 21-April 18): Since '90s nostalgia is all the rage, watch or rewatch episodes of The State. If you're an X-er like me, you'll remember such catchphrases as "Two hundred. And forty dollars. Worth of pudding." and "I love you, toothbrush! Let's run around and do things set to popular music!" Taurus (April 19-May 18): "We're gonna have a good day/and all my homies gonna ride today/and all these mommies look fly today and all we wanna do is get by today/hey, we're gonna have a good day/and ain't nobody gotta cry today/cause ain't nobody gonna die today/save that drama for another day" is a really good run-on sentence by Nappy Roots. Gemini (May 19-June 21): Learn some new Scrabble words, even if it's just by typing made-up combinations of letters into the dictionary. Or just work on memorizing your two letter words. As we saw on The Office: â"K. A. Ka? What does ka mean?" "It means you're playing someone who is going to destroy you." Cancer (June 22-July 23): "She told me she'd love me like fireworks/ and that's the way I like it, "says Ben Lee. Explode with devotion, leaving streaks across the sky and ashes in the air. You remind me of summer. Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): My wife's phone does not flip shut. Consequently, she butt-dials me at least twice a day, sometimes interrupting math class with her Katy Perry "I Kissed a Girl" ringtone. I check every message, even if I am pretty sure it's just her pants again. Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): On the most swoondrogynous Portlandia sketch yet, the overuse of a safe word drives a wedge into a couple's intimacy. The stars think there's a lesson in there somewhere, and feel compelled to tell you their safe word is "marshmallow." Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): Still haven't taken down the Christmas lights? That's OK, there's still plenty to celebrate: Olivia Munn has a sitcom that's kind of OK! The Mountain Goats are on tour soon! The word "swoondrogynous" was recently invented! (See: Virgo.) Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): Like Iron Chef José Garces, you really know your way around a passion fruit, and you know you're more likely to win if you serve the judges mojitos. Congrats on your decisive victory. Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): A pal of mine just told me that Maya Angelou once told Oprah Winfrey that if "someone tells you who they are, believe them." Strip away the sunny advertisement of their turns of phrase. Pull back the fuchsia sequined backdrop. If you still love them, go ahead. Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Don't worry if you press "like" too many times — soon enough the technology will be obsolete and you'll be able to pulse your compliments directly into you loved ones' neurotransmitters. Maybe you're just ahead of your time.

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POETIC LICENSE: Horoscopes, Jan. 28-Feb. 3

POSTED: Friday, January 28, 2011, 3:19 PM

Filed Under: Poetic License

Devoted poet/avid concert-goer/nerd-grrrl extraordinaire Jane Cassady's weekly horoscopes run in this space every Friday morning. Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Our brains are programmed to remember danger. That's why one saber-tooth complaint can loom larger than one hundred compliments. Don't lie awake trying to forget teeth. Collect praise like Mancala marbles. Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): Winter is speeding by and in your dreams, it's already spring. Remember the leaves? They remember you! Aries (March 21-April 18): My friend Fiona was INCENSED when some lady told her she was too young to understand snail mail. To that person she should quote Virginia Woolf: "Life is a luminous halo, a semi-transparent envelope surrounding us from the very beginning." Taurus (April 19-May 18): "The dream of the '90s is alive in Portland" goes the theme song of my new favorite show, Portlandia. No matter where you are, try it: Sleep until 11, experiment with flannel, start your own adult hide-and-seek league. Fun, right? Gemini (May 19-June 21): "True love is boundless like the ocean and, swelling within one, spreads itself out and, crossing all boundaries and frontiers, envelops the whole world" —Mahatma Gandhi Cancer (June 22-July 23): Count your tropes like treasures: your lists of flowers, the number of times you mention rain, your beautiful and ever-befuddling mate. Chime them like a clock, sing them like a mantra. Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): This is your mixtape week. Make yourself a soundtrack for everything. Label all of your unnamed songs, archive your musical gifts. Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): Some episodes of This American Life are like the boiling frog scenario, but with sadness. Sometimes you should turn it off before the misery gets too hot and listen to Judge John Hodgman instead. Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): A favorite Libra poet of mine is always trying to give away his stage time — don't do that. Take your turn and have your say — you're worthy and your voice is beautiful. Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): Spring is coming like a hoped-for apology, a letter scented with lilacs and stamped with fresh earth. Can you hear the blossoming, underneath the crickle of ice? Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): Your heart is as big as California. This time of year, I miss your perfect daffodils, your supermarkets of bright, inexpensive bouquets, your stretches of highway that smell like strawberries, your eucalyptus nights. Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): You are as romantic as late-night language lessons, as pretty as fingernails, as hopeful as church. Keep it up, you're perfect.

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POETIC LICENSE: Horoscopes, Jan. 21-27

POSTED: Friday, January 21, 2011, 4:10 PM

Filed Under: Poetic License

Critical Mass welcomes devoted poet/avid concert-goer/nerd-grrrl extraordinaire Jane Cassady to the fold; her weekly horoscopes will run in this space every Friday morning. Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Do whatever turns you heart to Jell-O, makes you evaporate with praise, makes your face light up like Lite Brite pegs. You'll find them everywhere. Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): According to Rumi, "This being human is a guest house," into which we should welcome all of our emotions. Make pancakes for your Grief, fluff up pillows for Fear, let Joy plug in and charge all of its devices. They'll be back on the road soon enough. Aries (March 21-April 18): It's hard sometimes to leave 2010 in 2010, but I sometimes make good on that resolution. Let old monsters go mute. Discover the cure for Mentionitis. (And e-mail it to me, please.) Taurus (April 19-May 18): "You are the one/solid spaces lean on, envious."—Sylvia Plath Gemini (May 19-June 21): "When your world feels like the bottom of an/ ocean, remember that bioluminescence isn't just for the fish. / Open up your chest and shine. / Someone will catch you." —McKendy Fils-Aimé Cancer (June 22-July 23): From The Decemberists' "January Hymn": "What were the words I meant to say before you left? /When I could see your breath lead /Where you were going to /Maybe I should just let it be? /And maybe it will all come back to me " Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): Your face is a picture of moving lights, a star map, a Map of the Stars' houses. Your hands are fashioning gold out of snow, but your shoulders are getting tired. Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): Turn off your screens and feel less jittery. (After you read this, of course!) Hear the hum of the heaters and the noise of the sheets. You are a religion of baths and blankets, a hibernation of books. Exhale. Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): Much like my friend Emily, your heart takes little Polaroids of everything and pastes them into a book. It writes out each date in neat block letters and carefully collects quotations. Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): Oh, dear. It's time to take down the Christmas tree. This year, decorate for winter. 3-D snowflakes are easy to make, and so are the flat ones, if you fold and cut carefully. Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): Not to get super-meta here, but horoscopes are a made-up system, and you are a free elf. Read whichever one sounds like the most fun. Identity is kind of a hologram anyway. Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Watch Catfish. Think about art, identity, surveillance, smushed pennies taped to postcards, and Google Earth.

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POETIC LICENSE: Horoscopes, Jan. 14-20

POSTED: Friday, January 14, 2011, 2:00 PM

Filed Under: Poetic License

Devoted poet/avid concert-goer/nerd-grrrl extraordinaire Jane Cassady's weekly horoscopes run in this space every Friday morning. Note: The stars think every day should be Martin Luther King Jr. Day, but if you happen to be off work on Monday, Jan. 17, find a service project in your neighborhood and join in. Fun! Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): You are a bouquet of January flowers, a Dutch Impressionist painting where everything's blooming at once. Collect it all. Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Read Super Sad True Love Story by Gary Shteyngart, but give yourself some recovery time afterward — it's a doozie. Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): No apocalyptic novels for you, only quilting books and songs about knitting, cooking lessons or a fat stack of gardening manuals, the more pictures, the better. Keep flourishing, Pisces. Aries (March 21-April 18): Get yourself a ticket to something decadent, especially if it's free. A comedy spectacular, a dance party, a museum exhibition ... they have sports this time of year, don't they? Post up the ticket stub and start a collection. Taurus (April 19-May 18): Cute-boy Taurus-spondent Elliott D. Smith says, "We are nothing more than playgrounds for each other's music," and I agree. Dance like a merry-go-round, like it's almost your turn on the swings. Gemini (May 19-June 21): Imagine all of the millions of circumstances that had to conspire so that there could be a you. How can this be? Aren't you proud of it? Cancer (June 22-July 23): Watch the perplexingly riveting documentary (?) Exit Through the Gift Shop, in which we see a filmmaker (?) forsake his genius footage in favor of an art show/prank full of sickening junk. (At least I think that's what we see.) Don't give up your footage for someone else's genius — make whatever you're compelled to make. Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): Vitriol's second definition: "Any of various sulfates of metals, such as ferrous sulfate (green vitriol), zinc sulfate, or copper sulfate (blue vitriol)." Find pictures of those and meditate on kindness. Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): Watching Jon Stewart's standup in my dad's apartment back in the '90s, I never would've guessed what a reluctant leader/lightning field he was destined to become. You just never can tell about anybody. Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): Please take a listen to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. It's like The Marriage Ref, but with Skype and other kinds of disputes. (Is a machine gun a robot?) Sometimes Elna Baker is Guest Bailiff! Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): In the winter, whenever my wife works late, I like to turn on Rachael Ray's 30 Minute Meals for company. That's a little sad, but I've learned so many things you can do with nutmeg! Also Rachael Ray is one of the most brilliantly absurd yammerers ever. Yesterday I heard her say this: "Hello, Mr. Honey Bear!" Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): Your wishes will all come true through the magic of logistics — make your list of calls, print out the maps, check the bus lines. Jingle your pockets full of tokens and go.

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POETIC LICENSE: Horoscopes, Jan. 7-13

POSTED: Friday, January 7, 2011, 3:01 PM

Filed Under: Poetic License

Devoted poet/avid concert-goer/nerd-grrrl extraordinaire Jane Cassady's weekly horoscopes run in this space every Friday morning. Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): Inventory your coffee cups. Count house cleanings like a yearlong Advent calendar. Evaluate the necessity of every scarf, hat and necklace. Visit your local thrift stores like a January Santa. Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Declare all 2010 complaints complete. Unsubscribe to your grudges, put salve on your scars. Be ready for more loves and more exquisite disappointments. Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): One word of advice for you this week: Pillows. Aries (March 21-April 18): In the words of Hafiz: Now That All your worry Has proved such an Unlucrative Business, Why Not Find a better Job. Taurus (April 19-May 18): The Maven of Emotional Awesome, Jen "Flash" Andrews of Too Beautiful to Live has the most lovable New Year's resolution: Give yourself and others a break. Don't lay awake worrying about spilt words or misspent kitchen table diatribes. Gemini (May 19-June 21): I spent New Year's Eve at my Aunt Patti's house getting pretty drunk with my brother and my cousins and my cousins' friends. I played my first game of Flip Cup (with chardonnay!) at 36. I wasn't good at it. Do something rewardingly foolish — let yourself off the leash a little. Cancer (June 22-July 23): Take a break. Everything doesn't have to be written today, even if it seems that way. To paraphrase LCD Soundsystem's spoken word/workout tune "Pow Pow Pow": (No need to keep) "Coming back, coming back, coming back/ Until there's nothing left in the well. Is that what they call it, the well?" Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): My lovely Leo wife has decided to split the year into 52 mini-projects, and I can't wait to see what she comes up with. What can you make in a week? Is it beautiful? Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): I spent a pretty big chunk of my Christmas vacation watching episodes of Ally McBeal. It's so romantic; it's like the How I Met Your Mother of its time. Walk home from work in soft focus, with dreamy/feminist '90s music for your guide. Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): Irony is so last year. See how much sincerity you can get away with. Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): Bring last year's photos into the physical realm. Frame something optimistic. Spread all the pictures out like Tarot cards and read the future — you'll like what you see. Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): Leave all of your self help books on someone else's doorstep, like so many paperback orphans. It turns out you're perfect.

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What we're trying to do this weekend
CONCERT REVIEW: The Postal Service @ The Mann 6/17
ICEPACK ILLUSTRATED: Sunny, Tony and the return of Do No Harm
CONCERT REVIEW: The Rolling Stones @ Wells Fargo Center 6/18 || Ian McLagan @ Tin Angel 6/17
Behind the scenes of local film A Man Full of Trouble
NOW SEE THIS: Salinger film trailer
ICEPACK ILLUSTRATED: Indian fare rules, Dunder Mifflin lives on, Tom Jones is a god
REVIEW: Archer Live! @ the TLA 1/11
CITY PAPER WRITING CONTEST 2013: Send stories! Send poetry!
ICEPACK ILLUSTRATED: Pink. Diner en Blanc 2. Breaking Glass and Milkboy at the movies. And so on.

About this blog

Featuring everything from event roundups to concert reviews and sex talk, City Paper's Critical Mass is a space for off-the-wall coverage of Philly's A&E scene.

Follow Critical Mass editors Patrick Rapa and Emily Guendelsberger on Twitter:

@mission2denmark | @emilygee

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