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Wow. I was way off. Who woulda thunk it? Head of the Lynche mob/muscle man Big Mike was at the bottom of the Votem Pole last night (that's a totem pole made of votes). AND Tim Urban was in the top 3 along with Bagpipes McDewyze.
America, you're really starting to take your democracy for granted. If I were in charge, I would have had all the other contestants killed, or maybe just exiled, and crown Powersox the champ. That'll probably end up happening (except maybe the murder/exile), but at least voting makes it kind of fair. In this situation, however, fair is not the word I'd use. I'd say something like "bullshit." I'm not the biggest Big Mike fan ever, but when Tim Urban and a performance featuring bagpipes turn out on top, it has to be bullshit.
Usually, I tend to run with the masses like lemmings off a cliff, but this time I'm glad the judges trumped America's decision and gave Mike the save. Out of all the people still in the competition, Mike is one of the ones worth saving. Not to mention next week will be twice as exciting because TWO contestants get voted off. And if one of them isn't Tim Urban I don't know what's going to happen. It'll be like when Brody realizes they're going to need a bigger boat.
PREVIOUSLY >> IDOL HANDS: American Idol, oh no she didgerididn't!
Doesn't that just make you all warm and fuzzy inside? The Broad Street Bullies premieres on HBO at Tue., May 4 at 10 p.m.
Other showtimes, from the press release:
May 4 (2:35 a.m.), 8 (11:00 a.m. ET only/10:30 a.m. PT only/3:20 a.m. PT only), 10 (8:30 a.m., 7:00 p.m.), 12 (noon), 20 (6:00 p.m., 4:20 a.m.), 23 (9:00 a.m., 11:00 p.m.) and 25 (8:00 p.m.)
Yeah, I am hyped!
Tommy Button: First off, why should I give a shit about what the other contestants have to say about each other? Spare me the Idol circle jerk, I want to hear some dirt. All that yada yada yada was obviously to make up for the lack of a guest mentor. If you gotta throw in 30 minutes of filler at least make it good.
Molly Eichel: But look Tommy! They're all besties! They have drum circles at the house then Lee Dewyze and Andrew Garcia go make passionately love to each other while Siobhan Magnus prays to Zardos or a pack of Cheetos or whatever. Knowing that the theme was the songs of John Lennon and Paul McCartney, Randy predicted that the night was going to be fulls of highs and lows. Instead, it was full of so-so performances and motherfucking bagpipes. Let's start with the lows because, hell, they're funnier. Like Aaron Kelly who committed hara-kiri with "The Long and Winding Road." At least that was just a metaphor and they didn't have to wipe all of his guts off the stage. That would have made the show even longer.
TB: I'm getting really fucking tired of the confused kid. Every week seems like a shot in the dark, like he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing but hoping somebody likes it.
ME: Even he didn't like that performance, unlike Tim Urban. That self-satisfied shmuck. Too bad his version of "All My Lovin'" didn't suck as much as I wanted it to. But, as Veronica Sawyer once said, "If you were happy every day of your life, you wouldn't be a human being; you'd be a game show host."
TB: With that crazed smile, I'm surprised Tim didn't want to sing "Helter Skelter." We all know how I feel about Tim and it's getting hard to find new ways to make fun of him every week. I'll admit this was not as terrible as I'm used to from Tim, but I guess that's why Randy gave him his own genre known as 'Tim.' But even on his best night, Tim's performance was the musical equivalent to a spinal tap.
ME: If Tim was a spinal tap, Siobhan was a shit sandwich.
TB: I broke my nose Saturday night but that didn't stop me from face-palming throughout Siobhan's entire performance.
ME: I liked that she showed another side of her vocally, and I didn't hate it at first but on second listen, she took the urgency out of "Across the Universe." And her dress was a mix of coked-up Scarlett O'Hara and Tinkerbell. Tinker Belle. You know who surprised me, though? Katie Stevens pulling it out with "Let it Be." She just graduated from the high school musical.
TB: What a vote slut. Whoring herself out for prom at standard text messaging rates... This was probably her bet ever, though. But hey, even Vivian Ward had the fairy tale. The surprise for me was Andrew Garcia. I genuinely liked that performance of "Can't Buy Me Love," cornballish or no. I think Andy does well with these revamped oldies. He just needs to slap his trademark on those songs. Well, I guess he should first find a better trademark than big ass glasses.
ME: I agree, the vocals weren't great but he's the type of performer that doesn't need to be a great singer. Like a Mexican Taylor Swift. I hated on the horns and background vocals — they unnecessarily aged him — but he's a good little novelty. The judges also said Big Mike was too theatrical but so is "Eleanor Rigby." It was totally over the top and totally enjoyable.
TB: Mike's performing family was known as "The Lynche mob?" I guess if Big Mike doesn't have a problem with it, I shouldn't... The head of the Lynch mob blew a box or two last night. Probably not my favorite because "Eleanor Rigby" has been played to death and sampled to oblivion so much that there isn't much anyone can do with it that's fresh.
ME: The good thing about soul — Big Mike's genre of choice, as of now — is that the throwback thing comes back every now and again. Not so much for Casey James because his chosen genre — bluesy rock — doesn't. While I've been ragging on Casey for sounding stale, like singers who don't exist anymore, he finally sounded contemporary with "Jealous Guy." But I thought this was excellent, probably my favorite performance of the evening. And he sounded like Bob Seger! Hey Casey! I love Seger!
TB: YES! I was totally thinking Bob Seger that whole performance!
ME: Silver Bullet! Of course, Crystal was also great. They call her Mama Sox, which is nowhere near as good as Powersox. "Come Together" is a pretty weird song as it is and she amped up the soul while retaining its slinkiness. Have my Danny Gokey babies, P. Sox.
TB: A fucking didgeridoo? Jesus, Powersox, how do you even manage to fit your gigantic balls through the door? I love it when big risks pay off. But big risks failing can also be awesome. See Lee Dewyze.
ME: Oh. God. Oh. God. Lee Dewyze tries to one-up Crystal with the indignant, asthmatic pig known as bagpipes on "Hey Jude." Everything was going fun and smooth until that shit show, when I completely forgot Lee was onstage. Yo, Lee, Liverpool is not in Scottland. Both the Scotch and Liverpudlians will kick your limey ass for thinking otherwise.
TB: There are two places where bagpipes are acceptable: Scotland and cop funerals.
ME: American Idol, thankfully, is neither.
I'm so glad you mentioned the Seger-ness of Casey James this week. That's exactly what I was thinking the whole time. How bad do you want him to do "Night Moves" now??? And they both have (had) awesome hair! Now Casey, just go ahead and grow and awesome stache already!
i heard a lot of ac/dc rock blocks this weekend (my favorite kind) and they make excellent use of the bagpipes in it's a long way to the top (if you wanna rock n roll). next time you want to try something different dewyze, ask yourself if you are as badass as ac/dc is. the answer is no. and therefore, bagpipes are also a no.
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Via Videogum
h/t Tommy Button
We like American Idol. Too much.
Tommy Button: What the fuck was that, American Idol? And I'm not talking about Didi. No shit that was going to happen.
Molly Eichel: Heavy sigh, Didi Benami. You weren't going to win but you don't deserve a fate such as this.
TB: This is what I'm talking about:
1) Everything having to do with Clash of the Titans. Except Sam Worthington.
ME: Goddamnit, that movie was even good. Although, Idol is King of Product Placement (COCA COLA COCA COLA COCA COLA) so it wasn't unexpected. Also, if anyone was going to take down the Kraken, I would put my money on Aaron Kelly.
TB: 2) NO GROUP PERFORMANCE?!
ME: I'm not with you on that. Those are always excruciating.
TB: 3) Ruben Studdard, the velvet teddy bear, and a man bearing the namesake of maybe one of the greatest sandwiches ever announced that he's gone vegan.
ME: There is nothing more evil in this world than vegans. Nothing. Offended? Bring it.
TB: Usher's crazy A Clockwork Orange/robot performance with Will.i.am running around in hammer pants.
ME: That song is bangin', though. And I really enjoyed the line about boobies.
TB: The uncomfortable amount of Seacrest/Simon fighting. I totally understand why Simon wants to leave now.
ME: I'm gonna chock that up to Seacrest knowing that his super crush, Didi Benami, was going home.
TB: Diddy Dirty Money sending little children everywhere into epileptic shock with his foam at the mouth strobe show. (Although it looked pretty cool in my apartment.)
ME: What do you think Biggie (R.I.P.) would have thought of American Idol?
TB: And finally,Tim Urban is still safe.
What. The. Fuck.
ME: Indeed.
We like American Idol. Too much.
ME: So Usher takes on the Idol for R&B/Soul night.
TB: I'm not sure if this is true for everyone, but I only where my shades indoors when I'm really high or really annoyed. He seemed to be in good spirits though, so I'm just gunna assume Usher was blazing the whole time.
ME: He may have been digging it but I thought it was so long. Did this show feel like Silly Putty being pulled until it just sinks in the middle? Let's speed it up, people. You aren't as witty as you think you are and two hours takes up a lot of my time ... to watch other TV shows.
TB: I still don't understand how there can be fewer and fewer contestants each week but the show gets longer and longer. If AI insist on jamming 90 minutes of bullshit down my throat they could find something a little less awkward than the post performance interview.
ME: I actually like those.
TB: Sure, it seems like a good idea but then there is always that one terrible person who refuses to talk so we get to see them cry while being stalked by a camera.
ME: Unlike Andrew Garcia, who just thanked his momma for birthing him after that amazing performance of Chris Brown's "Forever." Finally, finally he's coming back. It's not "Straight Up" but Chris Brown is no Paula either. I'm so glad he's back in the game, even if it is due to a misogynist little cum sucker. Also, isn't this song about gum?
TB: The best song about sweets since Van Halen wrote "Ice Cream Man!" In the greater context of all-time best American Idol performances, Andrew Garcia's performance is a ripple in the pond but in the context of Andrew Garcia performances this was fucking Mozart.
ME: Sue me, but I also liked Lee Dewyze's "Treat Her Like a Lady." He made a very old-fashioned song current. Aw, Lee remember when I liked you that one week? Nostalgia! I like you again! But when he pushes his voice real hard — like many middling rock singers before him, from Eddie Vedder to Chris Cornell — he sounds like he's pushing out a giant poop.
TB: He also looked like he was pushing out a turd too. But turd face aside he did pretty well for himself. For once I didn't think he was just another lame white guy!
ME: Of course, the real shitter of the night was Tim Urban. Fuck, I don't even remember what song he did because he makes me seethe with rage. I thoroughly enjoyed how Usher was trying to subtlety say that Tim is terrible. But this week was going to be the death of Tim Urban as it is. It's hard to fake soul and when you're an empty vessel built to promote Crest white strips and abstinence.
TB: I hate Tim Urban, and seeing his failure is one of the last joys in my life. But that joy means nothing when America still votes for him. I've gotta the same about Siobhan Magnus' "Through the Fire" by Chaka Khan. I usually hate on Siobhan, you know, because she's so fucking weird. But whenever she uses "wicked" in a sentence I want to fall in love a little bit. But then again, when she sings like she sang last night, I suddenly want to headbutt a unicorn. I'm actually pretty pleased she did so poorly because it finally validated my weeks of Siobhan shit-talking.
ME: I'm glad Usher told her to keep those outfits in check. And to her credit, her face and hair were beautiful. Too bad the rest of her was a hot mess, from the boots to her weird toga dress to her voice. Not good. But I knew Siobhan wasn't going to do well this time. The banshee wail isn't that impressive when she's dealing with an original singer who has a legit voice. Her sister-in-hot-mess-arms? Didi Benami. Didi needs to keep her emotions in check. It's not funny anymore. Like, you're on American Idol. Not a character in Beaches. I would have heard this performance at my high school talent show and later in the week, someone would have written "Didi licks balls" or something in the bathroom.
TB: Somebody give Didi a whamburger and some french cries so she'll shut the fuck up. Thankfully, the performance was the least uncomfortable part of Didi's possible last moments on Idol. Seacrest was there to grill Didi about her song choice for her dead friend to the point that she almost cried.
ME: Um, did you check out the Didicrest action? He wouldn't let go of her hand. Gross, Seacrest, keep it in your pants. I guess that's this season's theme, though, 'cause everyone is still stroking it for Casey James who did Sam and Dave's "Hold On, I'm Coming." Great song choice, he sounded solid but I still don't think singer's like him exist anymore. There's a reason Johnny Lang isn't famous, and it's not because I don't have a major boner for him.
TB: Last week I actually gave Casey props for whipping out a little Huey Lewis, but really, this day in age Huey is pretty much only good for weddings and bar mitzvahs. I let Casey slide because if he had played "The Power of Love" at my wedding, I would have ended up marrying him that day. But this week, performing "Hold On, I'm Coming" started to push the cheese factor to the tipping point.
ME: Let's continue that dairy metaphor while discussing Katie Stevens' version of "Chain of Fools," shall we Tom-Tom? I think she sounded fine but she was like that Skinny Cow faux-ice cream goop my mom eats. It tastes okay, it's not bad for you, you just really wish you were eating a triple scoop with banana split. Covered in whipped cream.
TB: I still think she's caught a bad case of the boring whiteys. Maybe someone like Big Mike can sit her down and help her get over her whiteness. Because he's a good singer, guys ... He can tutor her ... He's clearly on a war path now and taking no prisoners. He plays the nice guy, but he knows what he's doing. He's in it to win it.
ME: I heaved a heavy sigh of relief when I heard he was doing "Ready for Love" by India.Arie. He could have gone so safe with this song choice, this is his wheel house but instead he went outside the box. Did he blow it out the box? Box annihilated. Know who else I kinda dug? Aaron Kelly's "Ain't No Sunshine," but that may be for song choice rather than song. He's nowhere near the best but I don't hate the little Keebler Elf anymore.
TB: In a night full of ups and downs, Aaron landed right in the middle for me. 'Meh' is the closest word in the English language that describes how I felt about that whole thing.
ME: Must we repeat another up, though? Crystal Bowersox doing "Midnight Train to Georgia." Powersox and the Pips. BAM.
TB: Saturn is the least dense planet in the solar system. It has a density of 0.687 grams/cubic centimeter. Just for comparison, water is 1 g/cm3 and the Earth is 5.52. Since Saturn is less dense than water, it would actually float like an apple if you could find a pool large enough. Just thought I'd throw in some information you didn't know rather than repeat how awesome Powersox is.
Is America going to ruin this for everyone? Why is that Tim weirdo still around? Crystal should already be making a record, what are your thoughts on the odds that she doesn't win and thus crushes my soul?
Don't worry -- after idol Tim Urban will become a US postal worker and will wind up going on a killing spree.
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| bloggingprojectrunway.com |
| Anthony, Emilio, Jay, Johnathon, Maya, Mila, Seth Aaron |
This was by far the saddest week in a mediocre season of ProjRun. Even the judges shunning Mila's hideous, too tight dress wasn't enough to make me crack a smile in this bastardized funeral-isode. New York's most dapper, Tim Gunn, introduced the remaining — and certainly by now, exhausted — designers to some shnazzy technology that allowed the kids to design their own fabric. The high-tech "from desk to design" color me bad screen was incredibly fancy to say the least. The textiles created, however, were mostly lackluster.
Seth Aaron designed some ridiculous cartoon face grid sequence that he referred to as a British take on pop punk. He took that fabric and made a sharply tailored jacket and pants. It was a bust, yet the judges loved it, as per usual. Yawn, Seth Aaron, yawn. Maya's print was red and orange marks on black fabric. It looked like she closed her eyes and played around on MS Paint. And guess what? The judges loved this one as well. She put together a boring paneled dress that would have been hopeless if it weren't for the ruffly collar she attached. It was somewhere between an hoity toity Elizabethan collar and a roll of papery garland from the dollar store. Then there's was Mila's steaming pile of shit: a floor legnth dress that was so tight and restricting that the model had to take little baby model steps down the runway so as not to fall over. It was mostly white, with a diagonal panel of the fabric she designed. All she did was make different colored vertical lines on a white background. How painterly, Mila, you insufferable idiot. Go home already.
The winner of this challenge was the man who made a print that no one quite understood. Emilio Sosa made a blue, graffiti-inspired fabric that sloppily repeated ESOSA over and over. In place of the "O" was a heart. Each person who looked at it didn't understand that it said E. Sosa. The greatest moment came when TG came in and said he saw it as Seth Aaron, heart, Emilio Sosa. Take that, Em. Your torrid love affair with Seth Aaron was just exposed by none other than Tim Gunn. All that matters is that Emilio, at least in that very moment, felt stupid. It was a passing moment, though, since he won again, making it the second week in a row and his third win of the season. His '40s style dress was interesting enough with the solid black upper back that came around to a black V in the front. Meh.
While it was wonderful to see Mila in the bottom three, the two that accompanied her set things in motion for an unhappy ending. Elimination came down to Anthony and Jonathan. The latter did his usual thing and made something pale with a design that was barely visible, paired with a reverse (meaning worn backwards — Criss Cross-style) gold shrug. What? Yeah, for real. This is where things get really, really upsetting. Like some miserable, fat, pockmark-riddled bully on the playground, Michael Kors starts picking on Jonathan's design. Rather than be constructive and tell him what he can do to improve it, Kors just said that the dress looked like a dirty tablecloth. To further insult the man in front of his peers, Kors then called the weird shrug a "disco straitjacket." The model took the shrug off to show the entire dress and when Jonathan helped her get it back on Kors, that meanie, chuckled and said, "Oh, your husband helps you into your straitjacket," and the judges all laugh edabout it. They were like hyenas, all of them, with Michael Kors' jiggly face leading the pack. It was painful to watch. Thankfully Jonathan stood up for himself (which Heidi later commented on, in a negative way) and said that the "dirty tablecloth" comment was "preposterous." Unfortunately, that word was too big for Kors to understand. Jonathan stood strong and made it through one more week, though.
My favorite Sassy Southerner made an uninspired black and purple dress with a peculiar sleeveless shrug-something-or-other. It looked like he was inching away from his flowy femme dresses with this, a piece that was slightly more graphic and edgy with the print. We all knew the day would come when Anthony would need to pack up his bags and head back to Atlanta. It was clear from the beginning that he wasn't going to make it to Bryant Park, but we love him regardless. He left with such tact that you would think he was going back home to teach etiquette school. Anthony left saying, "You don't need to have the crown to be the queen!"
You tell it, sister.
Oh, PLEASE! Somebody on the sane side tell us why MILA has not yet been eliminated???? Okay, here's an assignment for the judges (who apparently haven't reviewed fashion history beyond the late 80s or old B&W movies). Check out the designs of the late 60s and early 70s, and you'll see what Mila is producing. Problem is, she is not 'inspired' by those looks, she's stuck in the era and coming up with really, really BAD mimics. Her dress was clearly the worst in this competition, and it's not the first time she's been on the downside of bad. Her technical ability might be okay (heck, after Ping, anyone who can halfway use a stapler and glue gun looks skilled), but as Michael Kors said a week or two ago, she's a one-trick pony. I'm so sorry our sweet Anthony got nuked instead of Mila. Props to him for the graceful and positive way he bowed out.
It was a shame they let Anthony go. He was, by far, the most entertaining designer on this season's shows. The judges should stop the snarky comments. Not pleasant for anyone and they are making a lot of money from the show. Nina Garcia should buy some scarves to cover her neck.
We like American Idol. Too much.
Molly Eichel: First off, let's all wish my co-writer Tommy Button a very happy birthday.
Tommy Button: Paige Miles getting the boot was a pretty nice present but I expected it, like the $25 my grampa sends me every year. It was nothing more than a formality in what seemed like an hour long medley from the Teen Choice Awards.
ME: What? You didn't like jailbait on parade? It was a pedophilic wonderland of epic proportions. Demi Lovato, Miley Cyrus. Joe Jonas is 18+ right? That would make me feel considerably better about myself.
TB: Everybody knew Paige was getting put out to pasture tonight so why not parade around some starry-eyed youths to make it less uncomfortable? It was really nice to see Tim Urban in the bottom again. You can't stop the dismal tide, Tim. It's coming. And I can't wait.
ME: Little surprised about Katie Stevens' spot in the bottom three, considering she turned down the suck factor on Tuesday. But what are you gonna do? Girl's got no chance.
TB: I also wanna give a shout out to another Didicrest physical connection. Rawr.
What does it mean that I no longer watch the show because it bores me to tears and insteand just read your blog. Pathetic is the word I'm thinking of. Happy birthday, Tommy.
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