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Most Terrifying Edible Valentines
The Web site for the award-winning alternative weekly, the Philadelphia City Paper.
Most Terrifying Edible Valentines
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| Can't-stop-laughing. |
| boysstuff.uk.com |
If you haven't noticed, Valentine's Day is Saturday. This leaves you about 60 hours to make a dinner reservation, plan an unforgettable romantic evening and rustle up a gift of some sort if you've got a lover significant enough. If you're single, you get to watch sports in a dive bar while the rest of us spend our whole weekly paycheck in one fell swoop.
Gifts you can eat are generally no-brainers. The delicate French macaroons from Miel Patisserie or a shared cup of thick drinking cocoa at Naked Chocolate Café should inspire action directly proportional to calories consumed. Of course, it's when edible projects go awry that the real fun begins. Below, the worst things you can eat and give this V-Day.
Edible Arrangements Berry Chocolate Bouquet is a ball of old fruit cut into shapes and stuck into a wad of florists' foam, all couched in a hideous basket your granny rejected from the church sale. What better way to turn $129 into something that says, "I love you so much, I panicked and had this browning pile of South American detritus rush-shipped to your office at the last minute" than pineapple hearts?
Why purchase expensive and impractical edible underwear when you can make your own all-natural snack panties? Best start now, as you need to peel a bushel of apples and dry your apple leather out in the oven for 12 hours. The most inspiring quote from the eHow method? "Underwear patterns are available at your local fabric store. Add 1/2 an inch to your underwear pattern as there isn't a lot of stretch in apple leather."
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Let's have a long heart-to-heart |
| boingboing.net |
Hopefully this gigantic anatomical heart constructed of chalky conversation heart candies is considered art and not dessert. Though it does look positively enticing when compared to the candy posing pouch lurking above.
Valentine's Day isn't for the faint of heart. As a decade-plus veteran of the restaurant industry, I'll say it's down about ankle-level on the totem pole of fun, just a hair above Mother's Day brunch. Restaurants are crowded and the staff is annoyed at all the amateurs trying to impress each other, while the owners greedily peruse the reservation book and count the money. It seems expressly invented to make single people feel bad about themselves. What kind of holiday excludes people based on relationship status? It's like how they would play "couples only" songs at the roller-skating rink in middle school, and all us singles would sadly skate off towards the concession stand while the magically zit-free popular crowd tried to mash lips and keep their wheels untangled.
So whether you're skating hand-in-hand or plan to blitzkrieg the floor with some solo slam-dancing, happy Valentine's Day. Don't buy anyone this stuff.
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