Top Chef D.C. Episode 12: Boldly going nowhere

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Top Chef D.C. Episode 12: Boldly going nowhere

POSTED: Friday, September 3, 2010, 1:44 AM

Filed Under: Food TV | Top Chef

Quickfire: Dana Cowin of Food & Wine joins the transcendently beautiful Padma, who's dressed like the long-lost lesbian member of the Rat Pack, to challenge the five remaining chefs Angelo, Kelly, Ed, Tiffany and our dude Jersey Kev to come up with a dish well-paired to one of a handful of pornographically hawked wines. Kels utters the words "blue cheese emulsion" early on, which means she is gonna lose. Sure enough, she and Kev cook Cowin's least favorite dishes, but his shortcoming is due to a botched batch of braised pork belly swapped out for grilled quail that goes poorly with his selected vino. Angelo, who does some foie, wins the challenge plus a trip to London plus Cowin's steely Manhattanite approval.

During the pre-dinner screening of Oldboy

Elimination: In the last challenge before the super-exotic finale (more on that in a sec), the cheftestants ship off to NASA, but not before they perform a contractually obligated group fellatio session on a Toyota Avalon. (Anyone else feel that they're trying to cram in all the gross product placement in these final few episodes because somebody forgot to work shit into the previous 11?) At NASA, they're greeted by a very sincere adult braces-wearing scientist nerd lady who asks them to develop a dish that can be served to various other nerds in zero gravity. Guest judge this time? The one and only Anthony Bourdain, who rocks an ominous black suit/red tie look on his British hitman/Billie Joe Armstrong's dad/tour manager for The Hives grind.


Also, they're both banging flight attendants

Tony's got great rapport with fellow dapper-dressed chef guy Eric Ripert (he calls him "The Ripper!"), so much so that I believe they're working on an opposites-attract buddy comedy together. The pitch: Frank (Ripert) is a straitlaced, reserved investment banker who's got everything going for him but ever since his parents, three siblings, wife and mistress died in a freak hovercraft accident, he's been nothing but lonely. Enter Ricky (Bourdain), a free-spirited graphic designer who looks at life upside down and inside out! Ricky answers Frank's ad for a loft space for rent, and what starts as a business relationship quickly turns into so much more for both men. Frank hates Ricky's sloppy unpredictability, but admires his joie de vivre. Ricky can't stand Frank's regimented lifestyle but envies his unrelenting sticktoitiveness. It's not long before they realize they can learn a lot from each other that is, if they don't kill each other first! They've got nothing in common except each other. Life of the Party, this fall on NBC. Dammit, my fake show sounds so much better than Top Chef.

"This shit right here is the International Space Station hand signal for 'Don't nobody go in the intergalactic bathroom for about 35, 45 minutes.'"

The chefs prepare their dishes for Frank and Ricky Ripert and Bourdain, Padma, Tom C, some NASA folks and a couple astronauts, including Buzz "Jesus Christ, Somebody Make Sure This Poor S.O.B. Gets Home OK" Aldrin. All the chefs turn in good performances for the final challenge, so the judges are placed in the unenviable position of nit-picking their way toward a loser. Angelo, who discusses at length how he sexed his ginger-lacquered short ribs into submission, wins the first slot in the finale, plus the Toyota Avalon that he had familiar relations with earlier in the episode. Ripert finds Ed's Moroccan-inspired lamb plate to be too complicated, while Bourdain feels Jersey Kev played it too safe with his steak dish. Kelly makes halibut, and I totally forgot to mention earlier that Tom C. makes fun of her for going to space camp when she was a kid. Haha strong work Tom C. It's a real ball-buster of an elimination, one that ends with Tiffany (she'll likely win Fan Favorite, yes?) packing her knives and going, just one episode before the finalists ship off to Singapore. Yes, you read right Top Chef is now America's Next Top Model! SMILE WITH YOUR EYES, ED!

I don't know if that's gonna cut it, dog ...

Justin Manne

Posted 2010-09-04 14:09:37

First of all... Drew your recaps are legend- keep up the good work... always a great read. Second, I love Bourdain's response to Angelo upoon his description of his dish- "I don;t know what the hell you are saying, but it was a good dish"- classic... And fiallly, does any one notice the way Angelo says "with you"? It drives me crazy!

Molly Eichel

Posted 2010-09-03 16:45:11

RIP Tiffany's time on Top Chef. I'll pour one out for you!

Drew Lazor

Posted 2010-09-03 14:27:46

They should go to Kenya and use their cooking powers to find Obama's birth certificate.

Adam Erace

Posted 2010-09-03 02:31:05

Next week on to Top Chef: Upon arriving in Singapore, the chefs each commandeer a Toyota Venza equipped with navi equipment to guide them around the city on restaurant go-sees. Tardiness is very frowned upon in the restaurant industry, Padma will explain, which of course means at least two chefs will be late, one of which will cry. Ed will come down with food poisoning, but will work it when it comes time to cook Singaporean street food on top of an elephant. Meanwhile Angelo steals Kelly's granola bars, and drama in the house ensues.

poncho

Posted 2010-09-02 23:50:56

"long-lost lesbian member of the rat pack"
Love it!

Also, any recap that includes a picture reference to Perfect Strangers is number one in my book.  Awesome recap!

Top Chef Not So Quickfire: Grape Expectations :: Meal Ticket :: Philadelphia City Paper

Posted 2010-09-07 11:11:47

[...] latest ep of Top Chef (recap plug, what up) had the Five Alive work a wine pairing into their Quickfire dish. Far more interesting and [...]

Holly

Posted 2010-09-03 13:53:25

You're hilarious Drew!!!  Love your write-ups!! :)

G Nagle

Posted 2010-09-03 13:56:55

I thought this season focused on DC? "Hail to the Chef" ring a bell? Its not even like Singapore is a country we have really outstanding political/cultural ties to. England, Canada, Australia seem like more logical choices if they MUST go abroad; really it seems like they should have stayed in the US. I believe the producers were planning on incorporating Obama somehow, but they were turned down, so they said screw it, we're going to Singapore.

Phyllis Stein-Novack

Posted 2010-09-03 09:36:31

I'm still laughing. I predict Kevin is next to go. Angelo knowsd more about the complexities of Asian cuisines than any of the other chefs. I admire him because he is empathetic and wants quiet in the kitchen. So do I. I predict he will be Top Chef unless he makes a fatal error. I vote for Tiffany for fan favorite. What was with Ripert? Bourdain really slammed on him and rightly so. I met Ripert two years ago in the Reading Terminal Market. He was looking through the cook books at the cook book stall. You can't miss him. Silver hair and blue eyes go right at you. I welcomed him and we spoke in French. A delightful charming gentleman.

Top Chef D.C. Episode 13 (Finale Part 1): Holy Asian Extravaganza! :: Meal Ticket :: Food Blog :: Philadelphia City Paper

Posted 2010-09-13 12:11:51

[...] Episode 12. Cooking for astronauts (and Bourdain). Tiffany goes home. [...]

Ticket Stubs: Meal Ticket Weekly Recap, Aug. 30-Sept. 3 :: Meal Ticket :: Food Blog :: Philadelphia City Paper

Posted 2010-09-07 08:31:57

[...] The early word on American Sardine Bar• Delicious or Suspicious: McDonald's McCafe Smoothie• Top Chef D.C. Episode 12: Boldly going nowhere• IN PRINT: City Paper Food and Restaurants, Sept. 2• Menu for SRO's Granite Hill at the [...]

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