Filed Under: Food TV
| Top Chef
I promise to explain this right after the jump.
Quickfire: This one's dubbed a "Biparti-sandwich" Challenge, as the cheftestants are paired off according to a knife draw and made to don sewn-together two-party-system aprons, resulting in the sort of frenetic, three-legged, too-close-for-comfort competition that produces weird, unintentionally avant-garde images like the one above. The teamed-up one-handed chefs flail about and nearly stab each other a lot of times. "If anything, you'll give me a manicure!" Arnold
reassures his partner Dark Horse Kelly
as she slices a cuke he's holding steady. Oh, Arnold! This leads me to the first installment of what I hope will become a recurring feature this season every time Arnold says something sassy and irreverent, you automatically get a free order of ...
The twosome of Tracy
, the latter of whom uses terms like "sex on a plate" and "liquid love" to describe their flounder/sriracha mayo get-up (mmm, just talking
about flounder turns me on!), win the QF, plus elimination immunity, after getting the blessing from the studly guest judge, White House assistant chef Sam Kass
. Kass, for what it's worth, looks like the dude from the video game God of War
About the Top Chef
producers dropping the heartburn-y term "Biparti-sandwich" this go-'round: Surely this just the beginning of what will end up being a cache of hundreds of groanworthy political food puns. I propose that we just get all of them out of our systems right now
so we can move on with our lives. I'll start it off, and then you have a spin in the comments. Ready? GO. Majority Whip-ped Cream! Bill of Raita! Secretary of Skate! Phyllo-buster! House of Crepe-resentatives! Federal kefta-cit! Supreme gorp! Impeachment! G-O-Peas!* F-B-Ice Cream!* Department of Homeland Secure-the-Cheese!*
* I would like to note that those last three were contributed by
City Paper's Isaiah Thompson, who is paid a living wage to write words.
Elimination: Kass, who spearheads a national initiative to improve school lunches, tells four-chef teams that they must cook healthy, square, kid-friendly meals for 50 middle-school-age children, relying on a budget of $2.60 a head the average amount allotted to feed the average kid a lunch in an American public school. "When I go out, I spent $130 on myself
!" exclaims Arnold.
, who's teamed with Tamesha
, states that she wants to avoid cooking anything sweet, because "People who makes desserts go home." Amanda knows what's up! She opts instead for a sherry-braised chicken thigh (hm, maybe she doesn't know what's up), while the rest of her squad does rice, salad and a strawberry thing. "Kids fucking love tacos," observes Kelly, who puts together carnitas for the main component of her team's plate, which also includes a black bean cake with a Muppet-like sweet potato "wig" from Lynne
, plus a sweet potato/sherbet dessert from Tiffany
. (Earlier in the ep, Arnold beefs with Kelly about relenting control, but it wasn't that sassy so we won't Arnold-face y'all again.)
, Jersey Kev
make a well-conceived spread based around apple cider BBQ chicken, while the immune Angelo and Tracy work with Ed
and Kenny Blalicchio
on a chicken burger/apple pudding/PB-and-celery meal. Aside from an anonymous kid yelling "MTV CRIBS," some tween who looks like the The Last Airbender
proclaiming his puberty-soaked love for Dark Horse Kelly's tacos, Gail
going "Chocolate milk, please!" to a table and Padma
dishing out a dozen or so transcendently beautiful bear-hugs to various brace-faces, the actual tasting is uneventful.
|"The fuck you just say about my Diet Coke commercial?"
At the top: Kass agrees with Airbender, proclaiming Dark Horse Kelly's team the victor and the Colorado chef the individual victor. "That is a solid taco," Kass declares. Hee. Kelly, don't win anything for awhile so you can continue being the Dark Horse! Jersey Kev gets some close-but-no-cigar love for his healthy yogurt mousse with fruit.
At the bottom: Amanda's team, for her poorly received pollo and a Jacqueline-made dessert that ends up having a bunch of unneeded sugar in it; and the Angelo/Tracy foursome, who get chastised for Ed's too-spicy potato puree, their dearth of vegetables and their admitted indifference toward that lack. After a bunch of juicy under-the-bus throwing at judges' table, Jacqueline's sacked for her patently unhealthy dessert. That's two weeks in a row
OK, I'm back to thinking Amanda knows what's up again.
|"I'm going to stare at you like this, and
continue to stare at you like this, until
you sate my current post-partum craving.
Eggs over hard and an acoustic rendition
of Del Amitri's 'Roll to Me' or I'll vaporize
you with my fucking eyes."