Filed Under: Food TV
| Top Chef
Quickfire: It's time once more for the always-fun relay-race challenge, where the cheftestants must crank out dishes in teams of four, each chef responsible for a 10-minute "leg" of preparation his/her teammates cannot see, kind of like the fine-dining telephone game. Last season, I thought this blindfolded shitshow evoked a certain Lynchian doom.
This season, though? Straight vintage-ass Madonna, y'all!
|"Kelly, I want you to put your hands all over my body ... but wash them first,
you just deveined a shitload of prawns ... "
What the hell, lemme get a little Johnny Mo from Kill Bill 1
in this bitch as well:
|Michael Madsen's gonna come out smoking an American Spirit any second now, I can feel it!
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi
comes bounding out in a smart pantsuit with the transcendently beautiful Padma
and tells the chefs that she's been "a foodie for a long time." IMPEACH (can you impeach the speaker?). Deadpan Ed's
and the reluctantly selected Alex
) decides to prepare a roasted red snapper/wilted greens/maitake 'shroom dish, and see a great opportunity to take a dump on klutzy Alex a little more when he salts the fish too early ("I hope they find the umami delicious!" he says. DOUBLE IMPEACH), resulting in Angelo double-seasoning it and Pelosi rocking a politically savvy but still dissatisfied saline face. Jersey Kev's team, meanwhile (Kenny Blalicchio
) crank out a sauteed shrimp dealie over angel hair pasta that Nance loves, adorably complimenting them for achieving a perfect al dente. OK you're allowed back in office now girl.
Elimination: RESTAURANT WARS! This is always the best. Remember back in the day when they'd make the cheftestants decorate the restaurant in addition to conceive its menu, and Tom C
. would bitch about things like the strength of scented candles? Some of the worst shit in show history. I'm glad they're just sticking them in pre-existing eateries now. Same teams as before ("It's the best against the beast," proclaims Blalicchio of his head-to-headwith Angelo). Former NYT food critic Frank Bruni
, who seems about ready to launch a Bravo show of his own sometime soon (PITCH! Bruni and Jeff Lewis from Flipping Out
fight each other in the American Gladiators
"Joust" game for a full hour), is guest judge.
Angelo's team calls itself Evoo after extra-virgin olive oil, pronounced "E-voo" and not an acronym like E-V-O-O, because if that happened all hell would break loose and some mafuckas would be out of work due to impending litigation and then this would happen foreal (OK maybe that'd be a good thing):
Evoo's theme is Mediterranean. Predictably, they stick the hapless-in-their-eyes Alex out in the front of the house to keep him away from the fire and knives, but he still managed to screw up butchering meat and filleting fish during the prep period. Regardless, Evoo's grub is particularly well-received, even by the notoriously tough Bruni (PITCH! Bruni and Kathy Griffin form a private investigation firm with a lovable 11-year-old autistic child named Manny. It's an unorthodox team, and Manny sure is a handful. But THEY GET RESULTS.) Ed's turbot dish is a standout for the judges.
Anyone else notice that the pan-seared lamb chop Alex purportedly conceived contained ENGLISH PEA PUREE?
|"This Bald Homies Association of America meeting will now come to order. Billy Zane
will recount the minutes from last month."
Blalicchio's restaurant concept, serving "progressive American cuisine," is dubbed 2121 after the address of the Top Chef
house. Kelly's out front, so she preps a cold soup and a dessert. Jersey Kev puts out a halibut dish that everyone loves, especially Bruni (PITCH! Bruni trades barbs with the Real Housewives of New Jersey
while completing competitive aquatic challenges such as spear-fishing. Guy Fieri hosts). Team leader Blalicchio, unfortunately, puts out two dishes that earns negative reactions: a piled-way-too-high salad and a goat cheese dessert dish that's called "soapy and salty."
At judges' table, Angelo's team earns the win, with Ed taking individual honors (and one big-ass bottle of Terlato
wine that he's eager to crack open. open it with your shoe!
) for his turbot. At the bottom is Blalicchio's squad, all of whom are angry as shit that one of them has to get slashed while Alex is able to coast through thanks to the work of his teammates. (Jersey Kev gets heated
! Do it, Kev!) In a surely unpopular but ultimately necessary elimination, Blalicchio is given the boot for putting out two poor dishes. This sucks. Good thing his Bald Homies Association of America brethren are here to comfort him:
|Who needs Top Chef when you're boys with Kojak and Ben Kingsley Gandhi, anyway?