Filed Under: Food TV
| Top Chef
Late pass, lo siento.
|"We're here today to test your ability to make food taste like the stuff that comes out
of a hot glue gun. Your time begins NOW!"
Quickfire: The transcendently beautiful Padma
and the transcendently gruff Tom C
. both recently had babies, so they do what any doting new parent would do: force a bunch of professional chefs TO MAKE BABY FOOD for them to taste and critique. NOT THE BABIES, NOT THE BABIES, them. Top Chef
has had plenty of make-crap-look-gourmet challenges in the past the infamous vending machine challenge comes to mind but baby food?! Baby food is goopy, mucous-like mush specifically designed to be digested by intestinal tracts so underdeveloped they're the same length as a bit of cat's cradle string. So fucked. Have to admit, though, that the sight of Padma nibbling off of really small spoons was quasi-hot. (Makes me wonder what are the most humiliating challenges in Top Chef history?
Leave your picks in the comments.)
Before we go any further, let's just get this out the way right quick:
The chefs learn this is a high-stakes Quickfire challenge with a $10K for two winners. Arnold
immediately states that if he were to win, he'd dedicate the cash to two Thai orphanages that help children infected with HIV/AIDS. Top Chef
decides that this would be a golden opportunity slip in a clip of Alex
saying that he'd totally blow the cash on hookers and an 8-ball if he were to win. Top Chef
: Ruining Sincere Charitable Overtures Since 2006.
"The baby food was OK, but the adult dishes really missed the mark," Tom C. tells Tim
. Tim on this day, you were better at making baby food than adult food. And I am sorry. That sucks. Tom also thinks that Alex's baby food is too herbaceous; no 8-balls for you, chief. Jersey Kev's
duck is too underdone and Kelly's
pork is too bland. I would like to take this opportunity remind you that Top Chef
just made all these actual chefs make FUCKING BABY FOOD.
both do a solid job with their baby and
adult food (heavy sigh), and Angelo
makes some sort of insane multi-layered jar that the judges dub "special" (compliment?!). In the end, Tamesha and Kenny Blalicchio
end up winning the cash money but not immunity. This is so depressing. BABY FOOD. Fuck me, man.
It would've been awesome if Padma and Tom brought in their respective bundles of joy and made them eat the stuff. I bet Baby Colicchio woulda been like "This definitely needs more salt. Also, I just shit myself."
|Still from the upcoming spin-off Top Chef: Not Enough Plates
Elimination: Going off the really dumb/unfair/humiliating theme, the 14 remaining heads are told that they have to pair up and cook in a sort of three-round cooking tournament, making signature breakfast, lunch and dinner dishes that would be appropriate to serve at Hilton
hotels. Former TC contestants Bryan
and Mike I,
all D.C.-area chefs, serve as guest judges. The setup is kind of nonsense, though: After each of the three rounds, the two teams with the best food are saved from elimination, leaving the losers to battle in subsequent rounds which means the eventual champ of the round #3 (dinner) wasn't able to execute well enough to outright win during breakfast and lunch. Almost as dumb as baby food.
paired up with Lynne, hopes to keep his good performances rolling maybe if he wins this too, "they might think I'm more than a Louis Vuitton bag!"
||ARNOLD FACE IN TRIPLICATE!
/Tim earn safety during breakfast; Alex, teamed with Ed,
put together a tasty-sounding prosciutto potato cake, but Ed forgets to complete one of their plates. I'm not quite sure what it is about Ed, but he exudes this haughty, cheerless all-American sensibility that just screams Greatest Generation:
In the lunch round, Angelo/Tamesha
(weird potential love connection?) and Alex/Staff Sergeant Darrel "Shifty" Powers
Ed cook their way out of elimination, leaving Andrea/Kelly, Arnold/Lynne and Jersey Kev/Blalicchio (who are PISSED) to stave each other off in the dinner round. Andrea and Kelly take the challenge (and win free vacations) for their braised short rib/polenta plate; Jersey Kev/Blalicchio are given the business for their short ribs with veg and tempura horseradish (! that sounds amazing), but Arnold and Lynne are both sent packing for their red curry mussels with squid ink pappardelle. NOOOOOOOO! Arnold Face just started!
This calls for a retrospective:
|ARNOLD FACE: Two Weeks Ago Now
|"I know, right?! But then I thought about it. Realistically, when is the next time Jean-Luc
Godard requests that I serve him fruits de mer while wearing a sheer loincloth?"