Filed Under: Food TV
| Top Chef
Quickfire: Dana Cowin
of Food & Wine
joins the transcendently beautiful Padma
, who's dressed like the long-lost lesbian member of the Rat Pack, to challenge the five remaining chefs Angelo
and our dude Jersey Kev
to come up with a dish well-paired to one of a handful of pornographically hawked wines. Kels utters the words "blue cheese emulsion" early on, which means she is gonna lose. Sure enough, she and Kev cook Cowin's least favorite dishes, but his shortcoming is due to a botched batch of braised pork belly swapped out for grilled quail that goes poorly with his selected vino. Angelo, who does some foie, wins the challenge plus a trip to London plus Cowin's steely Manhattanite approval.
|During the pre-dinner screening of Oldboy
Elimination: In the last challenge before the super-exotic finale (more on that in a sec), the cheftestants ship off to NASA, but not before they perform a contractually obligated group fellatio session on a Toyota Avalon
. (Anyone else feel that they're trying to cram in all the gross product placement in these final few episodes because somebody forgot to work shit into the previous 11?) At NASA, they're greeted by a very sincere adult braces-wearing scientist nerd lady who asks them to develop a dish that can be served to various other nerds in zero gravity. Guest judge this time? The one and only Anthony Bourdain
, who rocks an ominous black suit/red tie look on his British hitman/Billie Joe Armstrong's
dad/tour manager for The Hives
|Also, they're both banging flight attendants
Tony's got great rapport with fellow dapper-dressed chef guy Eric Ripert
(he calls him "The Ripper!"), so much so that I believe they're working on an opposites-attract buddy comedy together. The pitch: Frank (Ripert) is a straitlaced, reserved investment banker who's got everything going for him but ever since his parents, three siblings, wife and mistress died in a freak hovercraft accident, he's been nothing but lonely. Enter Ricky (Bourdain), a free-spirited graphic designer who looks at life upside down and inside out! Ricky answers Frank's ad for a loft space for rent, and what starts as a business relationship quickly turns into so much more for both men. Frank hates Ricky's sloppy unpredictability, but admires his joie de vivre. Ricky can't stand Frank's regimented lifestyle but envies his unrelenting sticktoitiveness. It's not long before they realize they can learn a lot from each other that is, if they don't kill each other first! They've got nothing in common except each other. Life of the Party
, this fall on NBC.
Dammit, my fake show sounds so much better than Top Chef
|"This shit right here is the International Space Station hand signal for 'Don't nobody go
in the intergalactic bathroom for about 35, 45 minutes.'"
The chefs prepare their dishes for Frank and Ricky
Ripert and Bourdain, Padma, Tom C
, some NASA folks and a couple astronauts, including Buzz "Jesus Christ, Somebody Make Sure This Poor S.O.B. Gets Home OK" Aldrin
. All the chefs turn in good performances for the final challenge, so the judges are placed in the unenviable position of nit-picking their way toward a loser. Angelo, who discusses at length how he sexed his ginger-lacquered short ribs into submission, wins the first slot in the finale, plus the Toyota Avalon that he had familiar relations with earlier in the episode. Ripert finds Ed's Moroccan-inspired lamb plate to be too complicated, while Bourdain feels Jersey Kev played it too safe with his steak dish. Kelly makes halibut, and I totally forgot to mention earlier that Tom C. makes fun of her for going to space camp when she was a kid. Haha strong work Tom C. It's a real ball-buster of an elimination, one that ends with Tiffany (she'll likely win Fan Favorite, yes?) packing her knives and going, just one episode before the finalists ship off to Singapore. Yes, you read right Top Chef
is now America's Next Top Model
! SMILE WITH YOUR EYES, ED!
I don't know if that's gonna cut it, dog ...