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BELL CURVE: CP's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter for Dec. 29
John Street in the friend zone and other true-life tales.
BELL CURVE: CP's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter for Dec. 29
[0] A healthy newborn girl is found in a cardboard box in North Philly. The child was protected from the elements by a kindly yarnbomber.
[-2] A music student accidentally leaves a rare, $172,000 violin on a Megabus from Boston to Philadelphia; it is eventually recovered. Meanwhile, a Peter Pan bus hauls a corpse up and down the coast for a week before anybody notices.
[-3] A 6-foot menorah, missing from a park in Haddonfield, is believed to have been stolen by scrappers. “We thought it would take about a day to melt it down, but it ended up lasting over a week. It’s a miracle.”
[-2] Officials say a defective halide lamp was the cause of 150 cases of eye irritation at a Northeast Philly cheerleading competition. Thankfully a thick AquaNet fog had rolled in that night, shielding attendees from the most harmful UV rays.
[0] City Councilman Bill Green says the recently overhauled School Reform Commission should be replaced by a mayoral-appointed school board. In the brief silence that follows, he adds: “I also have an opinion on the nature of dark matter.”
[0] The mayor of Hummelstown, the small Pennsylvania town where Newt Gingrich grew up, says the community is “bracing for the media onslaught” that might come if he wins the Republican nomination. “The way Jonestown braced itself. We’re, uh, we’re pretty ashamed of him.”
[-3] The proposed state law banning texting while driving will supersede Philadelphia’s more strict cell phone ban. Also, you’ll be allowed to smoke in restaurants again. And every citizen is automatically declared a licensed handgun dealer. Plus PGW and the Water Department will share pipes and we’ll all drink hot and cold running gas.
[+6] Mayor Nutter signs a new law updating the city’s 50-year-old zoning code. “Aw, man,” sighs John Street. “It says here I’m stuck in the friendzone.”
[+3] Occupy Philly plans to throw giant New Year’s Eve party. Runs from 8 p.m. to ?? Location subject to change. BYOBO.
This week’s total: -1 | Last week’s total: -7
- ActiVman
- adventures
- Arts
- Ask A Man-About-Town
- Award Tour
- Awards
- Bad Idea Factory
- Beer
- Below the Curve
- Bikes
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- Brian Hickey
- BRT
- Budget
- Budget Fuss
- Business
- Casinos
- City Council
- City Hall
- CouncilMANIC
- CP Abroad
- CP in the Community
- Criminal Justice System
- Day Tripper
- Death and Taxes
- Delaware River
- Design
- DROP
- Drugs
- Dubious Distinction
- Elections
- End of Days
- Environment
- Fashion
- Film Fest
- Financial Meltdown
- FrackTrack
- Free Library
- Gambling
- Gay Stuff
- Get Lit
- Greenstorming
- guns
- Hall Monitor
- Health
- Health Care
- Hello, Kitty
- Holidays
- Ice Cubes
- Iggles
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- In Memoriam
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- Marcellus Shale
- Media
- MMA
- Mummers
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- MUST READ
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- Nation
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- Non Sequitur
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- PA politics 2010
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- People Send Us This Stuff
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- philly madness
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- television
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- Under the Table
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- Urban Development
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- urban wildlife
- Video Poker
- We Call Shenanigans
- Weather
- Web Junk
- Weekend Omnibus
- White House
- What We've Found
- Women's Issues
- Flyered Up!
- How 'Bout That Weather?
- it's always sunny in philadelphia
- Stu!
- Shopping
- get out
- 10-track mind
- ArtsFlash
- Bloggity
- Bruce Being Bruce
- Colleges
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- Gigantic Surprises
- Hello Canary
- Hello Puppy
- errata
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- Inside The Fishbowl
- Library Closings
- Local Support
- Movies
- Murder
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- Recycling
- radio
- Scientology
- Sex
- Sixers
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- State Politicians Screwing Philly
- That's a cool stencil!
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- WIN
- What we don't heart
- trailer!
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- Feeling Guilty
- Askadelphia.
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- Contest
- Dance
- Dear Paper Doll
- Do A Good Thing
- Education
- Film Fest Schism
- G20-20 Vision
- Goodbye
- Gossip
- Great American Heroes
- PATCO
- Pearl Jam Week
- Puppy
- Stars of the Photostream
- sustainability
- Lower Merion Webcam-Gate
- The Cycle
- Equality Forum
- Bureaucrat of the Week
- Animals
- ElectionEar
- Photostream
