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BELL CURVE: CP's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter
This week's edition takes into account the resurrection of Bon Jovi and Ed Wade.
BELL CURVE: CP's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter
[+4] A judge dismisses an assault charge against an Occupy Philly protester accused of striking a cop during the Nov. 30 raid. That’s because when they asked Officer Champ to take the stand, he said, “neigh.” And ate oats. And, without expression, just started peeing like crazy on his own back feet.
[+5] Jon Bon Jovi refutes the Web rumor that he had died by holding up a sign with the date and the words “Heaven looks a lot like New Jersey.” So what does hell look like?
[-2] Armed robbers steal between $35,000 and $40,000 in cash from a Marshalls in South Philly. Prosecutors note that’s like stealing $70,000 to $80,000 from your typical department store.
[-7] Kenny Gamble’s Universal Companies is not awarded a federal Promise Neighborhood grant to carry out its plan to run two schools. “I think I know what the problem is,” says Gamble while starting a new grant application in the name of Kenny Sure Thing’s Universal Companies.
[-4] The American Tort Reform Foundation names Philadelphia the worst of the nation’s “Judicial Hellholes.” “Psst: How much to get that bumped to third worst?” asks Judicial Satan.
[+1] Former Phillies GM Ed Wade rejoins the team as a “special consultant.” The move is a promotion from his prior position of Double Agent in Charge of Diverting Houston Astros Talent to the Phillies.
[0] U.S. Sen. Pat Toomey introduces a bill to block the federal law that requires towns to install new street signs, part of his “Had Enough?” campaign to reduce government reach. The plan also calls for the removal of state-mandated traffic lights and the demolition of all state-funded bridges.
[-1] South Philly’s sports-themed entertainment and dining complex is christened “Xfinity Live!” “We don’t want anyone to go there,” explains spokesperson.
[-3] According to state Supreme Court Chief Justice Ron Castille, Traffic Court judges and staff frequently accepted “external requests for favorable treatment.” See, round here we call that a heavenhole.
This week’s total: -7 | Last week’s total: 3
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