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Bell Curve: CP's Quality-o-Life Meter for March 15
Ed Rendell doesn't make deals with terrorists.
Bell Curve: CP's Quality-o-Life Meter for March 15
[-4] Former Gov. Ed Rendell has attended rallies and made speeches in Paris and Geneva on behalf of an Iraq-based group of Iranian exiles which the State Dept. has labeled a terrorist organization. “I do not make deals with terrorists,” says Rendell. “They paid full price. So. Who wants some meth? I make meth now.”
[-3] The Treasury Department has subpoenaed Rendell’s financial records, since his speaking fees might qualify as transactions with a terrorist organization. So far, though, it’s just 15,000 receipts from Popeyes and a $20 million down payment on the Daily News.
[0] The Philadelphia Business Journal determines that the Market-Frankford El is Septa’s busiest route. We’re more excited for their next study: Which Philadelphia baseball team has the most fans?
[-2] Overhead wires fall onto a trackless SEPTA trolley in the Northeast, momentarily trapping passengers who were afraid of being electrocuted. Witnesses claim to have seen Rendell fleeing the scene by rooftop, a pair of gardening shears in his hand, his lush carpet of back hair sticking up and smoking.
[+1] A Philly woman who faked cancer to get out of a four-month prison term in 2007 is sentenced to five years. Sounds like somebody needs schemotherapy. (Sorry. We have trouble walking away from puns.)
[+1] Commissioner Charles Ramsey vows to find whoever has been slashing tires around the city, saying, “there’s some idiot somewhere bragging about it.” “Am not,” says Rendell.
[0] The drunk driver accused of crashing through a fence and driving across runways at the airport faces 20 years in prison and a million dollar fine. “Rendell told me to do it,” pleads man. “He said it was a matter of national security. Then he sold me some meth.”
[+1] An offshoot of Occupy Philadelphia plans to summit this summer near Independence Hall to make a list of grievances to be presented to the President, Congress and the Supreme Court. First item: “We stink. Anything that can be done about that?”
[+1] If their petition — which will call for the end of Citizen’s United and the war in Afghanistan — is not acted on within 100 days, the group plans to run its own candidates in 2014. “That’s it?” says Rendell. “I thought we were gonna like blow something up. Pussies.”
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