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BELL CURVE: CP's Quality-O-Life Meter for March 8
Depressed kleptomaniacs steal the spotlight.
BELL CURVE: CP's Quality-O-Life Meter for March 8
[-1] A priest from Northeast Philly is arrested for attempting to solicit sex from a cop disguised as a prostitute in Kensington. “Relatively speaking,” shrugs Cardinal Rigali, “this is the best press we’ve gotten in years.”
[+1] U.S. Marshals capture a West Philly man convicted of tax fraud who’d previously escaped state custody by forging his own release papers. But then while the prisoner is in the bathroom the feds get a call from the president and he’s like, “let this guy go, that’s an order!”
[+1] Two art dealers in the New Hope area have stolen items returned to them, gift-wrapped, by an unknown person the police suspect is a depressed kleptomaniac. Or an amoral re-gifter.
[0] Three teenagers in Kensington steal a school bus and abandon it after a short joyride. Police suspect the kids are non-depressed kleptomaniacs.
[0] City Council’s Committee on Parks, Recreation and Cultural Affairs approves a bill to rename Robin Hood Dell East Georgie Woods Entertainment Center in 2015. “That’s the clunkiest, stupidest thing I’ve ever heard,” says ghost of Georgie Woods. “I concur,” says ghost of Robin Hood. “Just pick one of us, you cowards.”
[-5] A Chadds Ford man is arrested for driving his SUV through a fence and onto a runway at Philadelphia International Airport, forcing a plane to pull up to avoid a collision. “Okay, now this guy was probably depressed,” says an officer on the scene. “Kleptomania, TBD.”
[-3] NBC 10 interviews “Eric,” a man from Philly who used an illegal jamming device to prevent fellow bus passengers from using their cell phones. And get this: He’s a pompous douche.
[+1] Occupy Philly protesters accuse Fox 29 of bowing to political pressure by choosing not to air a video that allegedly shows Mayor Nutter spanking the butt of a woman at a bowling ally. Fox 29 responds by agreeing right away.
[-2] After his nominating petitions are challenged, Nate Kleinman, an Occupy Philly protestor turned congressional candidate, withdraws from the Democratic primary ballot in favor of a write-in campaign. So that’s the last we’ll hear of that guy.
[+1] A major exhibition coming to the Franklin Institute in May features some Dead Sea Scrolls, a three-ton stone from the Wailing Wall and some artifacts allegedly recovered from the “Jesus Family Tomb.” Plus a guy dressed like Boba Fett handing out candy.
This week’s total: -7 | Last week’s total: -6
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