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The Bell Curve: CP's Quality-O-Life-O-Meter for Jan. 2
This week: What do Brian Tierney, IHOP, Ooompa Loompas and the Phanatic have in common?
The Bell Curve: CP's Quality-O-Life-O-Meter for Jan. 2
[-2] Two workers are injured in a flash fire at a Delaware County chocolate factory. “Oompa loompa doopity dee. I think these burns are second degree.”
[+2] A UPenn project will use crowdsourcing to map out the locations of the 5,000 automated external defibrillators scattered around the city. If there’s one thing you can count on, it’s Philadelphians in groups.
[-4] A UPenn student says dozens of bystanders watched him and a cab driver get attacked by a group of teens in Center City but failed to intervene. “We were too busy looking for defibrillators,” say bystanders. “See, great. Now we lost count.”
[-1] The owner of the Inquirer and Daily News, Philadelphia Media Network, is trying to sell the company for $100 million. “Good luck with that,” cackles Brian Tierney from a chair made of quarters, lighting a cigar with a roll of pennies.
[+3] The Phillie Phanatic appears on 30 Rock, and subtitles reveal he is an “undersea king.” Hip-Hop appears on an SPCA examination table and is humanely put down.
[-1] A bag full of goat and chicken parts is found in Pennypack Park; police say it was likely the result of a religious service, not animal cruelty. “Has it occurred to you guys that it could be both?” asks the skinned, severed torso of a goat. “That’s right, I’m a talking goat torso.”
[-3] A Port Richmond IHOP is robbed and set on fire. And for the first time in a long time, the neighborhood smells really, really great.
[-5] The Pennsylvania House passes a measure declaring the Bible “the word of God” and 2012 “The Year of the Bible.” “You know, thousands of your fellow Pennsylvanians are without enough food and proper health care, but, hey, thanks for making this a priority,” says God. “’Bout time I got my name out there. Sell some books. Good lookin’ out, fuckfaces.”
[+1] Councilwoman Blondell Reynolds Brown proposes a bill that would extend bar hours to 3 a.m., with the extra money from liquor sales going to city schools. “That’s more like it,” says God.
This week’s total: -10 | Last week’s total: -17
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