[-2] A couple is arrested for dealing drugs at an Upper Darby Wawa; the man admits the 36 vials of crack in his girlfriend’s vagina were his and he’d asked her to hide them for him. Anything to hide their true secret: This lady gives birth to crack.

[+1] The Philadelphia Housing Authority will pay the city $6.2 million in demolition costs it had previously ignored. Or its headquarters will implode. 

[-5] Philly cop Jonathan D. Josey II punches a woman at the Puerto Rican Day parade and the video goes viral. The cop is immediately arrested and thrown in jail — is what would happen if the Philadelphia Police weren’t a tight fraternity of thugs who operate outside the law. 

[-4] The video shows that the woman may have been spraying silly string in the direction of several police officers. “I saw all this string coming out of her hand and I just, I dunno, thought she was some sort of Latina Spider Lady and that she was gonna wrap me up in a cocoon and snack on me later,” says Josey. “They’ve got some big spiders in Spain, right?” Dumb, woman-punching cop. 

[-2] A Delaware driver high on marijuana and PCP says he crashed into a guardrail to avoid hitting an elephant. “I’m not real,” the elephant whispers.

[0] Philadelphia is the worst city in Men’s Health magazine’s list of 100 cities ranked by heart health. Which raises the question: Is there, like, nothing to do in Emmaus?

[+1] A Pennsylvania Commonwealth Court judge rules that while people will still be asked for ID before voting, they’ll be allowed to vote even if they don’t have it. Also, on second thought, they won’t be asked for ID, because what’s the point.

[-1] University City residents are told to limit their water use after the Philadelphia Water Department reports the appearance of rusty water. “Yes, please drink only a little rusty turd water today.”

This week’s total: -12  |  Last week’s total: 0