[-1] The 23-year-old daughter of former state Sen. Vincent Fumo files an injunction to keep him from messing with a $2 million trust in which she has a stake. “Know what?” says judge. “I’m sick of you people. I’m locking all you Fumos up. All Fumos, report to jail.”
 The judge who granted the temporary Fumo injunction recuses himself from the case, citing multiple conflicts of interest. “Make way, Fumos. I’m throwing myself in jail.”
[+2] Rodney D. Williams, retiring as president of the Philadelphia Corporation for Aging after nearly 40 years, says the agency is underfunded and has a huge waiting list. “And now I’m off to visit all my old clients on our luxurious farm upstate. I sure hope it looks like the pamphlet.”
 The first day of New Jersey’s annual black-bear hunt results in 122 bears killed. But it’s not enough. It’s never enough.
[-4] A train derailment in New Jersey that spills vinyl chloride gas into the air is blamed on human error, automation and aging infrastructure. Also: bears.
[-2] U.S. Sen. Pat Toomey proposes the “Clothe a Homeless Hero Act,” wherein the Trans-portation Safety Administration would donate clothing from abandoned luggage to homeless veterans. The TSA agrees, as long as they get to be the ones dressing and undressing the homeless, preferably in public.
[-2] Longtime Philly TV news reporter Terry Rugg-les retires. He plans to put on a Snuggie, play a little Boggle and cuddle up with his lover, Snuggle the Fabric Softener Bear.
[-2] A Chester County man on parole for a DUI flees to Ireland. Bell Curve had a lot of jokes for this. Good ones, too. But we’re better than that. Plus, most of our advertising comes from leprechaun massage parlors, so …
[+1] The Temple student who almost died after falling five stories down an elevator shaft while exploring the Divine Lorraine in 2010 says he’s learned his lesson. “Which is why I’ve spent the last two years irradiating spiders and letting them bite me.”
This week’s total: -8 | Last week’s total: +2