[+2] Silver Linings Playbook is nominated for eight Oscars. The biggest surprise? Modell’s is up for Best Costume Design.

[+2] A thief who posed as a fire inspector to steal expensive equipment from the Academy of Music, Independence Visitor Center and the Art Institute is caught when he signs his real name in a visitor logbook. He’s already working on his autobiography: Catch Me Because You Can.

[0] Mayors from area suburbs join the national Mayors Against Illegal Guns campaign. “In fact,” says one mayor, “we are opposed to all illegal things, including crime.”

[-3] Cell-phone videos capture a massive fight in Old City, with people beating a woman on the ground, kicking a car and firing a gun. “OK, now, we are not into any of those things,” local mayors declare.

[+1] A U.S. District judge rules that a Mennonite furniture maker is not exempt from the law requiring he pay for employees’ contraceptives. “No matter. I’ll have this crew working the wood so hard they’ll be too sore to have sex,” says the furniture maker. “What? What’s so funny this time?”

[0] Developers eye the Disney Hole site at Eighth and Market as a possible location for a casino . “MMM, DREAMS,” bellows Disney Hole. “I LOVE TO EAT DREAMS.” 

[-2] A SEPTA engineer is injured when somebody throws a rock at a train in West Philly. The train took no notice because trains are fucking professionals. 

[0] Philly police raise $14,000 to purchase two Suzuki dirt bikes to use in the 24th District. The cops take turns confiscating them from each other.

[0] Citing the ticket-fixing scandal, state Sen. Dominic Pileggi suggests the city’s Traffic Court be closed, and traffic violations be handled by Municipal Court. “AND WHEN THAT COURT FAILS, A NEW COURT WILL BE SUMMONED. IT IS IN THIS MANNER THAT THE CYCLE REPLENISHES ITSELF. IT HAS BEEN DONE THIS WAY FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS,” explains Disney Hole.

This week’s total: 0  |  Last week’s total: -3