[-4] Organizers of the Philadelphia International Cycling Championship announce they’ll cancel this year’s event due to increased cost of city services. “Hey,” Cam-den whispers. “What would you say if I told you I knew a place with no city services at all?”

[+1] Vince Fumo’s fiancee launches an online campaign to allow federal prisoners access to fresh fruit and vegetables. “Like melons with files in them, and gunapples, and bombnanas.”

[-1] Rapper Meek Mill sues the city for wrongful imprisonment and for posting images of his arrest on Instagram. “There are other filters besides 1977 and Toaster,” argues Mill. “Try Inkwell! Try Lo-fi! Not everything needs to look all sun-dappled and time-worn and shit.”

[0] The Eagles’ Trent Cole, an avid hunter, won’t sign autographs at a Harrisburg gun show because of show organizers’ decision to ban certain assault weapons. Remember: Football players often suffer concussions that can lead to cognitive impairment. Oh, and despite all that, they’re still allowed to purchase assault weapons.

[-2] A high-rise fire in West Philadelphia that displaced 100 residents was caused by a blown transformer. “Worth it,” says Optimus Prime.

[-2] Emergency workers in Bucks County rescue a woman trapped under a horse that fell on her and died. “He’s basically a hero,” says a fellow horse, speaking on condition of anonymity. “It’s something we all talk about. And he did it. That dude is a fucking legend.”

[0] A bomb squad determines that a suspicious box found in the Northeast was only an old stereo speaker. “Nah, that was just me,” says noted Decepticon Soundwave. “I’m into some pretty weird shit. Thanks again, Disposal Bot!”

[+1] After an NRA commercial references President Obama’s children, Mayor Nutter and New Jersey Rep. Jon Runyan speak out against it. Both are shot at by Trent Cole.

This week’s total: -7  |  Last week’s total: 0