[-2] A 20-year-old suburban Pennsylvania man is charged with exposing himself to a wedding party in South Carolina. “In my defense, it wasn’t a party till I did that.”
[+1] Joe Biden will address graduates at Penn’s commencement in May. But he’ll be sloshballing the rest of the night with some Drexel super-seniors.
[-1] The controversial Gettysburg Cyclorama, built to house a giant circular painting of Pickett’s Charge, is finally demolished. In its place will be a life-sized memorial to the Cyclorama, staffed by re-enactors in YOLO hats performing the “Harlem Shake,” a dance believed to have been popular when the building was still in use.
 Plans to tear down the “Roundhouse” police headquarters on Race Street are opposed by some preservationists. “Do you know how long it took us to hang that Pickett’s Charge painting?”
[+1] A year into the ban on texting-while-driving, Philly Police have issued 243 citations for the offense. “Yeah, we’re barely trying,” shrugs Commissioner Charles Ramsey.
[-5] In one day, Philly drivers accidentally crash into a wall at Girard College, a Dunkin’ Donuts in Roxborough and a Wawa in South Philly. “They all swear they weren’t texting,” shrugs Commissioner Ramsey.
[-3] A student is caught with a handgun at a Philly school for troubled youths. Experts agree this is a cry for even more help.
[-3] A man attempts to rescue his dog from the Delaware River in Tacony but then needs to be rescued himself by police. Then the dog saved everybody, and he’s the sheriff now. A dog sheriff!
[-2] Flower Show organizers say attendance was down this year due to ominous weather forecasts. Also, word got around that the flowers just sit there not doing anything.
[-3] An off-duty traffic officer is charged with DUI after causing a three-car accident. “It’s called method policing,” he explains to a parking kiosk.
This week’s total: -17 | Last week’s total: -2