[+4] The Barnes Foundation opens its new museum on the Parkway. "I'd be real careful with that membership agreement," says the ghost of Albert Barnes. "Just getting it in writing isn't enough with those people."

[-1] The lawyer for Black Madam, arrested for performing illegal butt injections, says his client isn't a flight risk because, among other things, she wears 4-inch heels. "And I'm not talking about shoes here, people. She's done a lot of weird foot injections, too. It's, uh ... it's pretty hideous."

[+2] The New York Times and Washington Post praise the Barnes, while the Inquirer's Inga Saffron pans it. "In fact, the entire concept of buildings is repulsive to me," Saffron says from a podium made of branches and old tires. "All architecture is an affront to the divine, and roofs are only good for hiding our stinking bodies from the angry eyes of the creator."

[-2] According to an expert from the Audubon Society, around 1,000 birds die by flying into Center City buildings every year. "I salute your efforts, noble birds!" cries Inga Saffron.

[+2] Two North Philly schoolchildren open a no-kill animal shelter. And learn an important lesson about supply without demand.

[-2] The sanctuary of the historic St. Peter's Church in Society Hill is closed due to fear of collapse. "Yes, yes!" howls Inga Saffron. "Let all the buildings in this foul city tumble to the ground!"

[-3] The Montgomery County man previously arrested for stealing women's underwear is arrested again, this time for using a hidden camera to film up a woman's skirt in King of Prussia Mall. "And you should have seen his face when we told him about the Internet, how it's page after page of those lady butts he likes so much," says arresting officer. "Damn if he didn't start bawling right then and there."

[+1] The city conducts a census of its homeless population. It's probably a good idea to get some baseline stats before we stop feeding them.

This week's total: 1 | Last week's total: 2