[+1] Now that the Barnes museum is open, entrepreneur H.F. “Gerry” Lenfest says his next project will be a new history museum near Independence Mall. “OK, first things first: Think anybody would mind if I deconstruct the entire Valley Forge complex and move it to Fifth and Chestnut?”

[-1] The Philly Pops, currently in bankruptcy court, say their contract with their longtime music director Peter Nero is “too economically burdensome.” Also, Nero’s goatee is “woefully outdated” and he “must have a hard-on for Gershwin” and should just “dig him up and bang him already.” 

[-3] An Abington woman is suing the Phillie Phanatic for throwing her into a pool at her sister’s wedding. The defense strategy — a series of exaggerated pelvic thrusts and some voodoo fingers — is expected to be highly effective in the local court. 

[-1] The woman’s attorney says she suffered “severe and permanent injuries to her head, neck, back, body, arms and legs, bones, muscles, tendons, ligaments, nerves and tissues.” He continues: “And when it appeared she’d suffered all she could suffer, the Phanatic poured popcorn on her head and crucified her.” 

[+1] Joe Banner steps down as the president of the Eagles after 16 years. And then, as if awoken from a trance, thousands of WIP listeners turn off their radios and step out into the sunlight. Anger leaves their hearts so fast they can hardly remember what it felt like. Maybe they’ll take up golf, or go fishing, or take a pottery class. The future is a blank canvas.

[-2] Hacker group UGNazi attacks Wawa’s website, adding cartoon images of Hitler. The site is quickly restored thanks to some sneaky subterfuge by another group, Hoagie’s Heroes.

[-1] At the Sugary Drinks Summit in Washington, D.C., Mayor Nutter says,“The biggest spen-der on lobbyists in Philadelphia for the first quarter this year was Big Soda.” “And rounding out the top five were Big Cup, Big Straw, Small Napkin and Sno-Caps.” 

This week’s total: -6 | Last week’s total: -7