[-2] Security cam catches a Philly cab driver pulling over to defecate on a sidewalk, and the video goes viral. “Well, we usually do this sort of thing inside the vehicle,” says a fellow cabbie. “But I guess somebody’s bucking for a promotion.”

[-5] After two years of declining prison populations in Philadelphia, researchers say the number is now on the rise. “What we did,” say researchers, “is count the number of people in prison. And the number we got was higher than last year.” 

[-2] Mayor Nutter creates an Office of Grants to pursue federal, state and private funding. It will fall under the purview of the Deputy Mayor for Busking and Claiming to Just Need 75 Cents for the Train.

 [-1] A goose is killed by a conveyer belt at the end of the Congo Rapids ride at Six Flags Great Adventure. “There are no geese in the Congo. The little shit was ruining the fantasy,” says Congo Rapids. “You fuck with the flume, you get the gears.”

 [-1] A horse-drawn-carriage operator is injured when her horse, Dutch, startles and hits two cars. “I am the reincarnation of Darren ‘Dutch’ Daulton, and had a flashback to that time me, Dykstra and the Krukker got in that car accident,” says horse. “But Darren Daulton is not dead,” says bystander. “Well, that’s weird,” says horse.

[+4] “Modern-day slave master” Omelyan Botsvynyuk is sentenced to life in prison for forcing Ukrainian immigrants to work on cleaning crews at Philadelphia businesses for no pay. What, he had an iPad or something? Cause this sounds kinda like ol’ tried-and-true slavery to us.

 [+1] The EPA holds a hearing in Philly over a proposal to tighten air-quality standards with regard to soot. While you’re at it, can you guys check our cabbie-poop levels?

 [-1] Officials from the Humane Society say their campaign to end dogfighting in Phila-delphia isn’t working. “So now we’re concentrating on creating one unbeatable superdog to wipe everybody out.”

This week’s total: -7  |  Last week’s total: -3