[-2] The struggling Revel casino in Atlantic City, built with $300 million in state assistance, asks its lenders for $100 million. “We totally have a system,” Revel pleads.

[-1] After 38 years, Great Adventure will close its drive-through safari to the public. “Every animal must go! Pop the trunk and help yourself to a doped-up lion! Or rent a pickup and score a lobotomized giraffe! And, as always: free baboons for the kids.”  

[+1] PATCO officials apologize to riders for service delays caused by equipment failures. Meanwhile, SEPTA officials try to see how many rats they can stuff into a sleeping passenger’s shopping bag. Six, if you can believe it.

[-1] A police tow truck in North Philadelphia is stolen and recovered a half-hour later. “Who would do this?” says sobbing cop. “Who would just take a vehicle without the owner’s consent, right off the street like that?”

[0] A 7-foot thresher shark is caught in Ocean City by a fisherman in a kayak known as “Shark Tony.” “I’ll rest easier once we find out whether this is the fish that ate my chums,” says Shark Tony. 

[-3] Food Network/Double Dare host Marc Summers says the left side of his face was “wiped out” in cab accident in Philly earlier this month, but he expects to make a full recovery. “That is, if these nurses would just stop stuffing little orange flags in my nose and hiding them in my oatmeal. It’s not funny anymore, you guys.”

[-3] Three employees at the Hands of Our Future Daycare in Delaware are arrested for allegedly encouraging toddlers to fight each other. All bets on Tike Tyson vs. Manny Pac-n-Play will be refunded. 

[+2] The Philadelphia Zoo opens the first stage of its enclosed trail system, which will allow bears, great apes and big cats to roam the zoo and access each other’s habitats. “Special thanks to our consultants at Paws of Our Future Animalcare, who dreamed up this project.”

This week’s total: -7  |  Last week’s total: -5