[0] Gov. Corbett’s plan to privatize the state lottery will likely lead to him hiring British company Camelot Global Services, the only bidder for the contract. “Finally, I won’t have the most disgusting teeth in the company,” says spokesgroundhog Gus.  

[-1] Despite the city having declared parking free on Saturdays through the end of the year, Philly drivers seem unaware and are still paying to park. The kiosks are programmed not to accept money on Saturdays, right? They’re not? Parking Authority, you really are just bunch of dirty shits.

[+1] Two local YMCAs combine to become one of the group’s largest chapters, with 140,000 members. “Of course, there will be layoffs to correct some redundancies,” says spokesperson. “For instance, we don’t have much use for two full-time cowboys or leather daddies.” 

[-2] Deputy City Commissioner Tracey Gordon agrees to pay fines for sharing her political views on Facebook. “I’m sorry I posted those hateful things about Mitt Romney being a mer-man, Liz Lemon. I was just mad because he never read the screenplay I mailed to him, President Splash.”

[+1] Some say the term “Black Friday” originated with Philadelphia Police and was a reference to traffic jams. Others say it originated with Philadelphia Police but won’t say what it’s a reference to. 

[+2] Mayor Nutter will visit China to raise the city’s business profile and encourage direct flights. “Plus, as far as they know, I wrote ‘Rapper’s Delight.’” 

[-1] In Travel and Leisure magazine’s ranking of 35 American cities on how attractive their citizens are, Philadelphia comes in 33rd; our delicious street food and inactive lifestyles are blamed. They’re just jelly cause we got the leisure thing down cold.

[+2] UPenn scientists discover that mice who eat during the day gain more weight than those who eat at night, even if both groups consume the same number of calories. Drexel scientists discover that if you put a little hat on a mouse, it is totes adorbs.

 This week’s total: +2  |  Last week’s total: +1