[-3] A vaccine-resistant strain of whooping cough has been found in Philly. Admit it. You’re kind of proud.
[-1] St. Joe’s Prep will randomly test its students for drugs using hair samples. And they will continue to utilize brainsuckers to assess intellect.
[+1] Hackers take over Burger King’s Twitter account and give a shout-out to Meek Mill. Then Rick Ross chimes in and it’s not fun anymore.
[-4] According to the Inky, Mayor Nutter’s pro-perty-tax-reform plan will likely lead to the city’s 10 biggest commercial taxpayers paying 45 percent less next year. Did you see that? A guy from Occupy Philly just literally exploded with rage.
[-1] Chubby Checker sues the makers of The Chubby Checker app, which guesses penis sizes based on shoe sizes. Amazing he could twist on such tiny feet.
 Police say a gunshot reportedly heard by a Gettysburg student was just the sound of a newspaper being delivered. “A what being delivered?” asks the kid. Aw. Bell Curve just made itself real sad.
[+1] Earthship Philadelphia plans its second self-sufficient, off-the-grid structure. “And … it’s done. Welcome to the U.S.S. Dirtpile. May we burrow you a chair?”
 The Borgata unveils “mobile betting,” wher-ein guests can gamble from their hotel rooms using a TV and remote. Also: suicide slides that lead right to the Dumpsters.
 Environmentalists in New Jersey protest the proposed lifting of a ban on harvesting horseshoe crabs. “We just wanna stick them on our foreheads and pretend we’re Klingons,” say lawmakers, adding, “Hab SoSlI’ Quch!”
 The Court of Common Pleas plans to use software developed by a Penn professor to determine sentences for offenders based on their likelihood to commit another crime. “No, we haven’t read much dystopic science fiction,” says Court. “Why do you ask?”
This week’s total: -7 | Last week’s total: -12