[+4] Residents of Camden County, N.J., will soon be able to contact 911 via text message. Any-thing less than a double homicide will get this auto-response: “LMFAO. U R 2 funy!” 

[-1] Thirty people are evacuated from an apartment building in Pottstown due to a carbon-monoxide leak. Fun factoid: One hundred percent of the residents who refused to evacuate believe Andy Reid deserves another year.

[-1] A broken pipe leaks sewage into the Burlington Center Mall, sickening some shoppers. Fun factoid: One hundred percent of those who continued to shop are active philly.com commenters. 

[+1] Pennsylvania Sen. Bob Casey, who formerly opposed stricter gun-control laws, now says he would support a bill to ban assault weapons. A timely change of heart!

[-1] Police Commissioner Charles Ramsey, just selected to join the president’s “gun violence panel,” says he doubts gun laws will be changed. A wonder-ful attitude!

[-3] A man steals a cell phone from an 18-year-old kid on North Broad Street, then pulls a gun when the victim attempts to chase him down. Oh, if only they’d both had guns, then they’d both be dead, instead of just one having to get a new cell phone. Sorry. Bell Curve is cranky right now.

[+2] Representatives from the Mural Arts Pro-gram and other city officials travel to a city near the Gaza strip to offer advice on “creative entrepreneurism.” “We told them all about our Frank Rizzo mural. They showed us some lovely Jackson Pollock-style street art done up in blood and ash.” 

[+2] Free condom dispensers are installed in 22 Philly high schools. Levels of safe sex remain unchanged; however, these kids are getting really good at balloon animals. Pretty much everyone can do a penis.  

[+2] A Bucks County man returns from a five-day deer hunt to find he’d won $50 million in the Powerball drawing. “Does the ticket still count if I got deer piss on it? I’m asking because I got deer piss on it.” 

This week’s total: +5  |  Last week’s total: 0