One thing that I probably never mentioned to you — and don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm not really proud of this, I'm just a little conflicted about it at the moment — is that I am good friends with Jennifer Garner. Really good friends. Really, pretty good friends, though I consider that something fluid and moving towards
'really good friends'. I want you to understand, it's hard being Jennifer Garner, really hard, in a complex way. I should know, I am her friend.
We met in New York which is weird, I know, because I don't live in New York and neither does she. We met at this spa that specializes in bikini line waxing, though you can get massages and other services too.
I was there for the weekend visiting a friend and on Saturday morning my friend planned to meet up with her cousin for pancakes and a tour of the public waterworks and I had a feeling it would be a lot of high-pitched giggling, which my friend does even on her own and which would be unbearable if it were doubled.
I opted out and went to get a bikini waxing for the first time. You see, I don't have a lot of hair down there. I was blessed. But I was planning on spending some time at the beach in subsequent weekends, so I made a decision: "Why should I shave when others do not have to?"
It was an upscale place, which is how I happened upon Jennifer Garner in the waiting area. I mean, I guess that was why Jennifer Garner was at that spa — the chichi factor. And now I have to ask myself, "What was I doing there?" I think my answer has to be, "Fate."
A little waterfall foot bath gurgled in the center of the waiting area and it was surrounded by small rooms with massage tables and, in some rooms, waxing accoutrement. Guests dip their feet in the water to relax before an attendant gently but firmly pulls the hair from their bodies.
I knew it was Jennifer Garner immediately. She has very, very amazing features which are even better in person. Her head is large, too. It's even slightly too big for her body, which is kind of what first alerted me to the fact that she was a movie star. Big heads mean special people, is an unspoken rule that we live by but don't think about. Since she kept bending down to splash the water onto her ankles, it appeared that at any moment she could topple over into the waterfall. I guess I felt protective of her because she could drown.
She made the first move of our friendship, because I didn't dare. It would have made me look stalker-ish and pathetic if I said to her what she said to me, but the other way around it was beautiful:
"Do you think this is just a mole?"
I loved the fact that she didn't start talking immediately about waxing. Still, she was totally bringing it right down to body issues and also ways that we are unhappy with our bodies. Right away! She didn't go straight for hair removal, an obvious choice, but she went to another level, really, which was medical. I had to be concerned about her health from the get-go.
I also had to look at her chest, which is where the mole is. Jen's chest is not big, but everything is well-proportioned. She was wearing a very light terry robe and the whole time I was looking at her mole, I could feel her breath on my face.
"That is definitely a mole," I said.
Then I brushed my finger over it and I could feel her let out a little sigh.
Was she attracted to me? Or was this just intimacy? I've never had much intimacy with women, so I didn't know for sure. It's something I am currently working on in therapy.
You see, I don't make a ton of platonic girlfriends. I've just gone from boyfriend to boyfriend, pretty much. I'm kind of a man's woman, if that's the way it's said, or am I a woman's woman? No, a man's. But I don't have a ton of male friends either. And when I say, "don't have a ton", I want you to know, I mean none. But that's exactly how Jen is too. We thought that was funny. Then I brought up Jessica Biel, because I had seen them in that movie together, Love to the Third Power I think was the name, and also in photo spreads in Allure and also Bazaar and come to think of it, Galore, if that is even a magazine.
It turned out the thing with Biel was totally fabricated.
"I didn't know they did that anymore. That sounds like some kind of publicity stunt from the thirties."
"Oh no," she assured me. "You would not believe how many fake friendships there are concocted for magazines or entertainment shows. I just wish they hadn't picked her for me. I actually do NOT like her. Her breath smells like tin."
I knew exactly that smell. It was probably just that Jessica Biel used Listerine Strips, which really make good breath smell bad, but I wasn't about to tell that to Jennifer. Let Jennifer think that Jessica's breath smelled like tin with no underlying reason. It was a lie of omission on my part, but I would tell that lie again.
We had our feet in the pool for a while. We bonded over the fact that neither of us wanted the Brazilian. "No one should be that close to my butthole but my man!" one of us said. I can't remember which one. That's the funny thing about Jenner (my nick for her) and me. She might be a Hollywood A-lister and married to Ben Affleck and lead this totally different life than me, but we think and talk the same. She likes to take the first name and the last name of a person and smoosh them together, too. Her name for me is Carbart. She isn't the first one to call me that. I mean, my name is Carolyn Hobart, so it's nothing new, but it's still pretty great coming from Jenner. I probably wouldn't have even been bold enough to nickname her, if I weren't fairly sure that our whole encounter was only going to last five or 10 minutes. Short spurts of interaction make me bold sometimes.
She got called in to have her waxing first. And, while she was walking in she turned around and looked confused, like she didn't want to end her hangout with me.
Then she mouthed, "See you after? Meet me back here?" I nodded.
I nodded like, "Of course, this is pretty standard to me. This is what I expected to happen." But, Jenner wanted to see me after? I didn't even want to go in to get the wax now. What if she didn't wait for me or our signals got crossed? I sat there asking myself, Is this really happening? Why? Why is it happening now? I had whitened my teeth two nights ago, but nothing this good ever came of that before.
What was I going to do, not go in and get my bikini line waxed, just to wait for her? That would be foolish. But what if she came out and I wasn't there? She wouldn't wait. She was Jennifer Garner. Even if she had nothing to do, Ben Affleck had more of a right to her time than me. Or her agent. Or the public, even, had more rights.