wack

Q

Dear Alice,

Though time has passed since the mass suicide of the Heaven's Gate crew, the video footage of Marshall Applewhite and his followers haunts me. I don't know if it's their devotion to space travel or their dedication to one man that's stirring me, but I am moved and confused. Am I susceptible to cult ideology? Do I belong in a group of followers?

Please help me before it's too late.

S. Fromme

A

Dear Squeaky,

Take it easy, baby. I'll talk you through this. The feeling of belonging is powerful. Look at the Grateful Dead. Nobody actually liked their music yet their communal spirit warmly enveloped the willing. And with willingness comes cash - a cult we all follow.

Everyone is devoted to something. It's what makes us alive and keeps those who sell stupid bumper stickers and T-shirts in business. Popular songs tell us dedication ranges from "Fashion" to "The One I Love." In the case of Mr. Applewhite's crew, no one at Rancho Sante Fe loved fashion or sex, unless aliens really dig bad bowl haircuts. You may not be a leader, but don't be worried unless you start finding yourself amazed by kooky Star Trek lingo. If you look down and see that you're always wearing tired-ass black Nikes all the time, write me again, you just might belong on Hale-Bopp, babe.

Alice

Q

Dear Alice

I am a 19-year-old woman who has always been very athletically inclined. Running, rowing, lifting? But recently I've blossomed in a big way in regard to my mammary glands. No sooner than this occurred, I found myself uncomfortable in sporting situations. I don't run with the same sprightliness. What do I do now?

J. Mansfield

A

Dear Chesty,

Two words of advice: sports bra. Not being, hhhmph, so endowed with breasts myself, I can't honestly share in the joy or confusion of the raising of your cup size. Sure, sports bras are worse than 10 panty shields wrapped around you like a metal python. But hey, they're your heaving breasts. Not mine.

I have a large-breasted friend who works as a dancer and finds a large bust to be a huge advantage. Though she can't play basketball like she once did, she does make about $2,300 in non-taxable income every week. Lap-dancing is not as debasing as you might think. Wise up. Maybe, you should rethink your priorities.

Alice

If you have a problem, question or venereal disease, think twice before you write Alice. But if you must, write c/o Go Ask Alice, 206 S. 13th St., Phila. PA 19107.