wack Ask Alice   Dear Alice, What kind of guys do you like? I ask because I've finally accepted that females don't really like/want "nice" males. And while the "superdominant" persona may get some attention from the gentler sex for awhile, that doesn't seem to go over too brilliantly - at least in the long run. I wonder: is there a middle ground that you could describe? Holden Caulfield   Dear Holden Caulfield, I can tell you one thing a woman doesn't like - whether she likes 'em bruiser-big or Hawkins-brainy. Naming yourself after some half-baked cynic from the '50s. Ugh, pick a better literary allusion. Maybe that pseudo-intellect bit turns Winona Rider on. Maybe not. She was with bozos like Christian Slater and the dirtball from Soul Asylum and they seem none too shaaahrp. And that's the point, Holden. Women lie. All of us. From between our teeth to between our legs, we're dragging your hearts and minds around with more lies per pound than Stevie Nicks' and Tom Petty's weight combined. We normally want a nice guy after some macho asshole has pushed us around, eaten everything in our refrigerators, kicked our poodles and given us an unending series of STDs and yeasty afflictions. We normally want someone domineering and overpowering after we've hung out with mister-sensitive-ponytail-prose-poet who does the dishes, buys you tampons for his apartment (just in case), likes Merchant-Ivory films and doesn't spend enough time going down you-know-where. So what's my answer? What kind of guy do I like? My mom would say Cary Grant - he was intelligently poised, funny and chivalrous. My best girlfriend Maria would answer Dennis Rodman - he's a cocky asshole with muscular thighs, money and attitude. Me, I'd like an in-between. Someone who can make me laugh, open my door, giggle out loud watching Crossfire, pay the check, pull my hair, share dresses and shoes with me and generally suck my box till my nose bleeds. There's your hat, Holden. What's your hurry? Alice     Hey Alice, In the climate of suit-and-tie types, funny-hat-wearing techno-ravers and plain-denimed dum-dums, I wanna know: What is a modern-day cowboy and where can I find him? Tex Mex, Annie Oakley   Hey Annie, The modern day cowboy is - like my very favorite C&W song, Hank Williams Sr.'s "Ramblin' Man" - an unsettled soul, uncomfortable wherever he sets his butt. The remedy for that is hemorrhoidal cream. This would've made that old drunken sot Hank a lot more comfortable "a-settlin' down." Ultimately, he's not much different than the old user-friendly models like Gary Cooper and John Wayne. Strong, silent, do-good. Except at present, chasing doggies and eating beans is bad for your cholesterol level. Hey, let's use the above model of manhood for our modern day cowboy: He'll make you laugh when you're milking the cows, will be all blustery watching Hee Haw reruns on the Nashville Network, digs Chevy Novas, can share pants and boots with you, and will suck the venom out of a snake bite till your box, your leg, or whatever gets better. The sex, well, they like to wear ribbed white socks to bed. That's your call. I think they like to smoke either Marlboro Mediums or those weird Camel filter things spelled with a "K" and a sliding pack. Oh sure, it's cute, but you really can't picture the Duke using a slide cigarette pack, can ya? You can find them wherever leather bars, chaps with nothin' underneath 'em and rodeo-disco nights are hot, happening and heavy. Spurs optional. Alice If you have a problem, question or venereal disease, think twice before you write Alice. But if you must, write c/o Go Ask Alice, 206 S. 13th St., Phila. PA 19107.