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Dear Alice, Help! I am not a small woman. I'm broad-shouldered and thick-waisted. My ankles and wrists are not lithe. My hands, feet and legs are long and weighty. Yet I'm not exactly perplexed by my body shape. Should I be? What could I do even if I was embarrassed? And the ultimate question now that June is here is, what the hell do I do about a swimsuit?
E. Williams
Dear E., Finally I find myself NOT talking to a stalk of celery with pubic hair on it! With all the Kate Mosses, Helena Christensens and acolytes thereof, I was beginning to believe I was a lone heifer in a runny mascara-ed, corpse-strewn field. I too am not small. Fact: as a young girl I was called "The Cow" because of my unusually large, umm, udders. But the older I got and the more salacious (i.e.: horny) the boys got, I found my milk was sweeter and my build most formidable, as the French say. But never think for a second that ole Alice had the confidence that true grandeur brings. It took me a while to learn that bigger is better. I tried, I LIVED to conceal it. I framed my entire body in eyeliner in my desire to do that thinning thing that people do when their noses are wide. I wore blousey, piratey gear so much throughout the '80s, I was arrested on counts of looting, plundering and impersonating a boat sail. But little by little I felt better about my stature. Now I can walk anywhere with pride. The beach especially. I like leaving heaving footprints in the sand. I like when men have to look up to me. Yet, I still believe big or little, long or short, the one-piece bathing suit is the way to go. Rarely is any human flesh so attractive that you have to reveal it pouring over en masse. A one-piece is never ostentatious, the styles more attractive and the "taking off" process - the slow sensuous peel for sex - too fun. Just think, even President Clinton - with his anti-heroin-chic speeches - likes a girl with a li'l meat on her bones. Just don't meet him in a motel.
Alice
Dear Alice, Is it really a problem to eat something before you go swimming? Liquidly yours,
R. Montalban
Dear Rick, The idea that eating before swimming will cause deadly cramps or digestive problems is a myth. The only problems eating before swimming cause are really bad gas and unusually large fat pouches around and/or below the belly button. Ugh! With a bikini, the food puff is unsightly. But with a one-piece, you become le mammoth wooly! If you absolutely have to eat before swimming, here are some suggestions:
Alice
If you have a problem, question or venereal disease, think twice before you write Alice. But if you must, write c/o Go Ask Alice, 206 S. 13th St., Phila. PA 19107. |
