There are few things in life more horrific than trying on a bathing
suit.
The bulges. The three-way mirror. The lighting that emphasizes
the dimples and puckers. The hard plastic sensors clamped to the
suit's derriere. The realization that funky, retro bikini shorts
only look good on about three people.
"Dontcha love the new '50s bikini shorts - they hide all the flaws!"
said one bubbly, thighless co-worker.
Unfortunately my flaws don't stop at cheek's end.
So in my quest for the perfect bathing suit, what do I do?
I make the fatal swimwear mistake.
J. Crew.
Generally if you have no chest, no hips, no thighs - J Crew's
the place for you.
They've got some of the cutest suits in colors like azalea, melon
and stem. Stem? (Next thing you know you'll have pistil and stamen.)
They've got all the rage-iest styles: those boxy Marilyn Monroe
trunks, gingham floral print numbers, halter-top one-pieces. But
nothing looks good - even the good-old, hide-all black one-piece,
even the kicky, cover-up wrap skirt (Hello grandma!).
Finally when I think I've found an adorable tank in "spray" (a
Windex sort of blue) I realize... to my horror... the sanitary
strip has been REMOVED. How long has it been removed? How many
people dared to try it on without the protective liner? What could
be at stake if I tempt fate and put on the scoopneck in (the now
highly suspect color) spray.
This is worse than toilet-seat phobia. It got me thinking about
who really monitors the safety strip. There seems to be a trust between you and your sales associate - you agree not only to
keep the safety strip virginally intact, you also consent to keep
your underwear on, so that you have to imagine what that suit
will look like without white briefs bulging through. The salesperson?
Well, she agrees not to bust in.
Maybe, someday, the government will really crack down, making
good on the warning that federal regulations require the strip to be kept in place. When some bathing beauty dares
to remove the strip, it will alert a loud blaring siren and send
the unsanitary hussy away in handcuffs.
Until then, I'll head over to Daffy's. Good prices, good selection
(if you can pick through the hot pink numbers with giant seashell
prints), made for women and, hopefully, lots of sanitary stripping.
With Daffy's giant, one-room, no-privacy dressing room, that's
sure to be the case.
- Margit Detweiler, Editor
within earSHOT
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