Illustrations by Jeremy Eaton
back to school
No syllabus ever tells you what a professor is going to be like.
Most of the time you hope for Albert Einstein and wind up with
Al Bundy. Here are five types of professors to watch out for and
what to do when you wind up in their class. It's always a great thrill to arrive at a bastion of academic
excellence only to find that your professor - the "esteemed expert"
- is more loaded than a rat boy on a Friday night. Feeling pissed, you file a complaint only to discover the inebriated
instructor has a record of such behavior and tenure really means
"forever." As a last resort you learn how to come up with smart-ass
questions to make the learned one stumble and bumble incoherently.
It's a chance that rarely comes your way, so make the most of
it. Console yourself in the knowledge that most students do better
on exams and papers when the person grading couldn't give a toss.
For once in your academic career, you'll think you're lucid and
on top of things. Even worse than slack professors, these teachers are still working
their Ph.D.s so they're bound to be holier than thou. Destroying
their ivory tower takes work. That means no slouching! You won't
succeed unless you hand in all the mindless two-page weekly papers
on time! Don't forget the required "journal entries"! Missing
two classes means immediate failure! Remember, the Uptight professor is embracing a first run at authority
and "absolute power corrupts absolutely." Given the chance, you'd
probably make your students squirm too! The only possible solution
is to drop the class at once or prove the teacher wrong as many
times as possible (in a nice way, of course). If you stay, make
sure you radiate smug self control. You can also get extra points
by making the teacher blush (try mentioning how horny Gustav Klimt
was). She fought in the trenches during the sexual revolution and has
plenty of war stories to prove it. Her understanding of women's
oppression is more impressive than 10 Gloria Steinems put together.
And for that reason, she deserves respect. These intro courses,
however, tend to be easier than nap time - and that's what you
must avoid. Napping shows no respect. Embrace those statistics
you didn't know and relish the old footage of ERA marches on Washington.
Relax, this class will be fairly easy for you unless you've been
living in a vacuum or find Naomi Woolf a challenging read. Boys
get extra special treatment for being an endangered species. Plus,
girls will see you studs as the sensitive (and supportive!) creatures
you are. He (it's almost always a he) teaches philosophy or an equally
unemployable subject and is even more rambling and incoherent
than The Drunk. Most students roll their bloodshot eyes at him
while sorority girls squeal, "He's like, soooo boring." But if
you have a brain cell and can listen closely, you'll find wisdom
in his seemingly inane tales of mismatched socks. Sit close to
the lectern because the best bits of knowledge are those that
he mumbles out when he speaks to himself. Do just enough reading
so you can debate the merits of Aristotle with your pretentious
drinking buddies. This is the English professor with a Southern drawl and razor-sharp
intellect. She mixes high thoughts with gutter humor. If you know
what's good for you, you'll never go to class unprepared because
this firecracker will call on you. And you will go to class because she knows you by
name. Her fierce sensibility makes this dry subject seem interesting
and suddenly you find yourself having new respect for English
like you never thought you would. If you walk away from The Tornado
no more enlightened or enthused for your studies, you are a waste
of brain cells and oxygen. You might as well start working at
the drive-thru right now. - Sarah Armour
The Nutty Professors
The Drunk
The Uptight Art History Teacher
The Gender Studies Professor
The Absent-Minded Genius
The Texas Tornado