Last Halloween I went to a costume party dressed as Vampira and
met this knockdown gorgeous guy. Perhaps it was the wine or the
weed or my sexually charged secret identity, but I became a vamp!
I grabbed hold of him, took him in another room and carved his
pumpkin (if you know what I mean) - something I'd never normally
do on a first date. Ever since then, I've thought about him. The
same people are throwing another Halloween party this year. Should
I reveal my true self to him and hope we can have a real date
or find another sexy outfit and role play? Sincerely, Valerie Harper Who is your "true self"? I haven't seen or heard from the real
me in years. Wouldn't want to. And doesn't everyone wear some
sort of mask everyday, though hopefully not a mask from an Ed Wood movie. Men don't want "reality." They dig fiction - big obvious
fiction. Besides, when was the last time your "true self" had
great sex? Any sex? Compare your success rates and I bet Vampira's
done a lot better than you have. By the time you're done calculating
you'll be looking to buy a new costume for every day of the week.
(Pick something a little more interesting than Vampira, please.)
If you still feel odd wearing an overt costume, get a nose job
or have your chin done (I know a good surgeon), then every day
will be Halloween. And by the way, what is 'carving his pumpkin'? Alice Help! Our staff is planning a big Halloween bash, but having difficulty
coming up with new costume ideas. The guys don't want to be pirates,
gypsies or sports schmucks and the ladies don't want the old ghost,
gypsy or Dracula's daughter shit. What do you suggest? The Drexel Math Department Thank God somebody wants a change. I have tons of suggestions,
primarily based on upcoming films and current events. Guys should
go the Tibetan route, don some orange robes and heavy-framed glasses
- bingo - you're the Dalai Lama. It's cheap and your newly shaved
head will have a de rigeur look for several days. (Women can also get a close-cropped cut
for the G.I. Jane look.) Already have a shaved head? No problem. Buy a cheap mop
and you're Elton John. (Warning for other guests: don't hang out
with this guy too long.) Buy suspenders, hold your chest, hey, you're Larry King!
Other good looks are the two-headed hip-hop hydra of Puffy & Biggie
or how'bout going as David Caruso. No one will recognize you.
For the ladies, you can stack your chest, show the crack of your
ass and fart to be Jenny McCarthy; stop eating for three weeks,
wear no makeup and be Fiona Apple. Of course you could always
buy a dishwater blond wig and some dowdy clothes and make people
guess if you're Martha Stewart or Jewel. Alice
Go Ask Alice
Dear Alice, 
Dear Val, 
Dear Alice, Dear Mathletes,
If you have a problem, question or venereal disease, think twice
before you write Alice. But if you must, write c/o Go Ask Alice, 206 S. 13th St., Phila. PA 19107.