Photo by Adam Wallcavage Chewy Chips Gummi Kar Hi-C Fruity Corn Rolicks Gummi Watch Pocket Wad Glow Pop Fantastic Four Pop Mr. Big Bar Magic Pop and Pop Talker
I Want Candy
You don't need to be a psychologist to know that candy brings
out the id in all of us - a selfish craving for sweetness and
sugar without a thought of consequence. And candy, if it's done
right, hits the erogenous zones in all the right ways with a mouthwatering
sugar shock and cascade of calories. But nowadays, candy is more
gimmick than good taste. With a sad nod to the simplicity of confections
past, we present a selective critique of the more bizarre treats
to be had at the local five and dime. Just in time for Halloween.
Lava Lick Squeeze Pop
Watermelon Liquid Candy, Amurol Confections Co., $.99, no calorie
information listed
Lava lick is a thick, viscous candy that comes in a squeeze bottle
that loosely resembles a lava lamp. The crack staff at Amurol
Confections is apparently trying to cash in on a little '60s nostalgia,
but while high, tripping hippies are known for eating just about
anything, I can't imagine even Wavy Gravy enjoying this stuff,
which tastes like shampoo with the viscosity of 10w/30 motor oil.
Uniconifs Corp., $.99, 10 calories
The idea for gum that resembles a potato chip seems flawed. Why
would you want to mix the world of crispy junk food with sticky
gumminess. The gum is tough - I felt my molars being pulled from
their sockets - and the "Tutti Frutti" taste advertised on the
label is more like "tutti booty," as in, it tastes like butt.
Zeebs Enterprises, Inc., $.99, 110 calories
A huge wad of a car-shaped gummi packaged in a plastic stock car
replica, complete with decals to make your racer more authentic.
Apparently Zeebs Enterprises is engaged in the fight against blindness
- it says so on the decal sheet. What they should wage is a fight
against taste deprivation, and perhaps donate their products to
those afflicted. I can't imagine another demographic which could
stand this auto's rancid, afterburner flavor.
Brach & Brock Confections, Inc., $1.99, 140 calories
Basically, candy corns are disgusting blobs of sugar that rot
your teeth out instantly. Which, of course, is why they're so
irresistible. So if you try to make them "nutritious" by putting
a day's worth of vitamin C into each "serving" and replacing the
sickeningly sweet taste with a "rainbow" of fruit flavor, you've
more or less ruined the appeal. It's an artistic travesty on par
with film colorization.
Beacon Sweets, Inc., $.69, 105 calories
The Gummi Watch, a blob of gummi molded into a watch shape, is
surprisingly tasty. But to aim this product at kids is to perhaps
miss the point: Gummi Watch has fetish written all over it. The
concept seems absurd at first, but as the "warranty" on the back
suggests, you're supposed to wear the product as you eat it. Note the thinly veiled erotica in
the instructions: "Stretch the opening in the buckle wide enough
to stuff the other end into? bite off any extra gummi." And "Each
watch runs on saliva? if it takes a lickin', it keeps on stickin'!"
Ooh baby, hose me down. With a little imagination and creative
placement, at, uh, 69 cents, you've got a much cheaper alternative
to edible underwear, not that I'd know of course.
Fleer Corp., 2 for $.79, 12 calories per 1/2 piece
This isn't a chewy phallus, as the name might suggest. It's six credit card-sized
pieces of tasty baseball card bubble gum packed into a fake wallet.
Impact Confections, Inc., $1.79, 165 calories
The Glow Pop doesn't have a distinct flavor, more of a solid blob
of corn syrup tinted green to look like an alien. What flavor
do you make an alien? The point is moot. No one buys Glow Pop for
the taste, but for the glow-in-the-dark handle/bracelet that comes
with it. It's the kind of novelty trinket you pick up at country
fairs and firework shows. Mine never glowed and I couldn't fasten
it around my wrist. If I were an alien I'd be downright insulted.
Asher Candy, 3 for $.99, 120 calories
Aside from the reference to the comic book stars on the package,
the only reason this is called the "Fantastic Four Pop" is because
it has four layers with four "fantastic" flavors: cherry, sour
apple, orange and bubble gum. It's one of those "chalky" lollies
you can chew; it's not all that bad except that initially, because
of the four flavors crammed inside, it's a pretty unwieldy wad.
And couldn't they at least have made the motherfucker look like
THE THING?
William Neilson Ltd., 2 for $.79, 250 calories
The only chocolate to make the survey is an homage to basketball/movie
star Shaquille O'Neal. I'm not sure which part of the 7-foot center
this 6-inch bar is an homage to, but I didn't think about that as I slathered the tasty milk
chocolate all over my face, chomped the crisp rice and smeared
the chewy chewy nougat over my teeth.
Chupa Chups, $1.99, 50 calories
Two bucks is steep for a lollipop, but these are the most interesting
gimmicks of them all. Magic Pop comes in a plastic box - with
a secret compartment. A flip of the wrist makes the pop appear
and disappear - magically. The Pop Talker is the perfect gift for that receptionist in
your life. Shaped like an operator's headset, the pop talker positions
a watermelon lollipop right at mouth level, providing the ease
of hands-free sucking, a little something we could all use a bit
more of.