Rob Sheffield Details 1. Live The tendency of post-adolescent males to take themselves seriously
and feel intensely about nothing in particular has rarely been
documented in such flawlessly blood-curdling detail, except perhaps
in the films of Tom Cruise, who at least knew how to wear a pair
of Wayfarers. 2. John Mellencamp A shorter, uglier Tom Petty - with principles, no less. His best
James Dean isn't good enough to get him into my pink house, let
alone my back seat. 3. Tom Petty An MTV Video Awards lifetime achievement honoree, which begs the
question - who wants to look at this guy? Of course, nobody minds
because of his golden voice, right? The repulsive date-rape anthem
"Breakdown" sums him up, especially since he seems to think it's
his big romantic ballad. 4. Peter Gabriel All I learn from his bloated, grooveless keyboard epics is that
Peter fancies himself an intellectual. Nice oeuvre, Peter - especially
the song about your dick that goes, "This will be my testimony."
5. The Eagles Romantic loverboys who have to know right now if my sweet love
is going to save them, and who want to sleep with me because they
like my sparkling earrings. Their best song, "Hotel California,"
has a unique place in my heart as the only song bad enough to
inspire my wife to roll down the car window and actually vomit
onto the street. She'd been feeling queasy all morning, but it
took Don Henley's evocative metaphors of steely knives and beasts
to drive her over the edge. 6. Gang of Four Punk academics who read a lot and wrote clunky anthems about how
the false consciousness of consumer culture corrupts everybody
except the lucky few wise enough to purchase Gang Of Four records.
7. The Who They're not here for their early work, some of which was almost
as great as The Kinks. They're not here for using Schlitz as their
1982 tour sponsor, which is like Lynyrd Skynyrd doing airline
commercials. They're not here for the horn sections, or the rock
operas, or the quest for enlightenment, or the liner notes. Nope,
they're here for that fucking song about the squeeze box. 8. Captain Beefheart A visionary artist, a jazz virtuoso, an eccentric modernist genius,
and the author of exactly one decent rock 'n' roll song, "Observatory
Crest," a better sex-in-the-car ballad than Petty or Cougar ever
managed. Elsewhere, the Beefie One conflated cute hippie whimsy
with free-jazz machismo relentlessly enough to inspire a whole
school of rhythm-free rock hobbitism, and for that the Cap'n must
walk the plank. 9. Crosby, Stills and Nash "Sometimes it hurts. So badly. I must. Cry out loud." 10. Blind Faith Only together for one album, but my housemate used to play it
so often that I couldn't leave them out. Well-known mystic Eric
Clapton brags about hanging out in the "Presence of the Lord,"
but the Lord probably prefers "Layla," just like the rest of us.
Well-known blond Steve Winwood sings a plaintive ballad about
how marriage is, like, doing too many bong hits and dropping your
keys down the sewer. By the time these supergroup stupor-models
finish trudging through their Buddy Holly cover, Peggie Sue's
run off with the drum technician. a.d. amorosi | Dan DeLuca | Chuck Eddy | Justin Hampton | Rita M. Johnson | Tom Moon | Sara Sherr | Marc Weingarten | Jessica Willis | main page
