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Compiling this list implies that there are good rock films. Of
course, there are, but there are many many more that are harmless,
enjoyable hokum, or as the Shangri-Las once said, "good-bad, but
not evil." The titles on this list are pure evil. My first mental shortlist paralleled last year's VH-1 playlist:
The Rose, A Star Is Born, FM, Sgt. Pepper, etc. All late-'70s "rock" movies featuring mostly non-rock performers
and anti-rock music, these hateful documents offer compelling
testimony as to why punk rock was invented. But why shoot fish in a barrel? Here are some more obscure atrocities,
plus grumbling about movies that some people like. The Apple (1980): A jaw-droppingly awful sci-fi musical directed by Israeli schlockmeister
Menahem Golan about a futuristic rock producer ("Mr. Boogalow")
who alters the public's brainwaves with the saccharine disco of
his supergroup "Bim" in an attempt to rule the world. Includes
an appearance by God. Down On Me (1983, a.k.a. Beyond the Doors): The docudrama that blows the lid off the CIA's secret plot to
stifle youth dissent by assassinating "the three pied pipers"
of rock, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin and Jim Morrison. The film's
brave premise suffers from its low budget (Woodstock takes place
indoors with almost no extras), and from director Larry Buchanan's
insanity. His earlier Mars Needs Women was more believable. The Blues Brothers (1980): Yes, the cameo turns by various legends of R&B are surprisingly
good (surprising because they were mostly decades past their prime),
but this overblown mess just isn't funny, and its boffo box office
launched the '80s trend of violence, car accidents and special
effects masquerading as humor, not to mention feature films based
on 10-minute TV skits. The Buddy Holly Story (1978) and La Bamba (1987): Might as well kill these two overrated turkeys with one stone.
Both reduce the passion and excitement of rock's golden age to
predictably safe entertainment on a par with any TV Movie of the
Week, despite the "great" acting of their leads. And both play
loose with the facts (did Ritchie Valens really foresee his own
death in a peyote-induced vision?). My ex co-workers at Movies
Unlimited once placed a fictitious entry in their catalog for
Hey, I Was On That Plane Too!: The Big Bopper Story. Bummer! (1973): This little-seen drive-in feature from sexploitation producer
David Friedman was billed as "a far out trip thru a hard rock
tunnel." The mostly plotless film centers on the groupie favors
foisted on the members of a terrible Grand Funk-type band - all
except for their fatso bass player "Butts," who goes crazy with
sweating sexual rage. Duller than it sounds. Smithereens (1982): This movie fooled a nation of mainstream film critics who never
saw a punk rock nightclub into thinking that Susan Seidelman was
an insightful director with her finger on the pulse of youth.
It's an incredibly trite (and boring) look at an annoying punkette
groupie named "Wren." Richard Hell plays a clumsy parody of himself;
he does this much better in either of two movies called Blank Generation.. Get Crazy (1983): Director Allan Arkush followed his wonderfully raucous Rock 'n'
Roll High School with this vulgar, clumsy satire of the world
of rock concerts. Includes career-killing cameos for everyone
from Franklyn Ajaye to Lee Ving (and count how many times Bobby
Sherman and Fabian use the "F" word!). Rock 'n' Roll Mom (1988): Ridiculous TV movie in which suburban housewife Dyan Cannon becomes
an overnight rock star in Spandex, to the embarrassment of her
kids. Possibly the only film with the improbable line (from mother
to son), "What do you mean who just shook your hand? Only your
hero, Waddy Wachtel!" Grace Of My Heart (1996): What started off as a mildly spirited "fictitious" look at an
aspiring Brill Building songwriter ("wink wink, yes, she's really
Carole King," the film gloats), quickly grows ponderous, pretentious,
and as draining an experience as it would be to live the lives
of every substance abuser that lived in the '60s, or worse, listening
to their records. If that weren't enough, Matt Dillon's performance
has forever tainted my enjoyment of Brian Wilson music. Candy Mountain (1988): A pointless, vacuous road movie following a young New York loser's
journey to find a legendary guitarmaker, at the behest of superstar
David Johansen (playing, presumably, Mick Jagger, as he has his
whole life). Along the way he has wacky encounters with Tom Waits,
Joe Strummer and Leon Redbone. The nonstop "authentic" roots music
soundtrack provides the eerie sense that WXPN bought a film studio.
- Jay Schwartz Jay Schwartz programs the Secret Cinema film series, and was a
contributor to the book Hollywood Rock: A Guide to Rock 'n' Roll in the Movies.
The Ten Worst Rock Movies